June 13 2012 | AA 12 Steps In Action | Step 6 Spiritual Willingness Alcoholics Anonymous Today's AA daily reflection: "the living amend…" As a child of an active alcoholic until his last days, extremes in living were normal. Either life was good and bountiful or life was bad and fearful. Rarely were times ever in the middle, where there was a bit of good and a bit of bad and a chance to learn how to cope without an overreaction…
The living amend in my case is all about truth and being able to accept the truth in the moment of now. My part in matters and my conduct, doing things different when different is necessary and letting go trying to control people, places and things. I have a right to my outlook at the same time I need not impose my views and values on others to their detriment. Acceptance of life on life's terms…?
Yesterday's reflection all about forming true partnerships. And part of forming true partnerships is living to the truth in the moment of now. All part of spiritual living and "truth" need be its foundation. At the same time it does take time sometimes to access the whole truth and sometimes we never find the truth. Which is why emotional and spiritual living is difficult. Thankfully and forever, I will always be learning my feelings as they are in the moment of now…
I don't mind learning the truth as I go along. It means I can change my mind at any time based on new evidence. New evidence can show how wonderful decisions made are turning out. And new evidence can make me feel foolish when I have been conned and misled. There will always be scoundrels about, and they can fool me if I don't check things out with our emotional and spiritual twelve steps…
Living amends in recovery! Do no harm, don't mislead, don't con people, don't interfere with another's emotional and spiritual well-being by taking advantage financially or in a romantic way. Mind you in early days we can pull the wool over our own eyes first and then justify everything we do as if we are saintly. When I see harm being done to others I do have a right to ask about motives, my own motives first and foremost which usually puts me back on track in the moment of now…
If I do not know what is good for me, how can I possibly know what is good for you? I know what is good for me, truth, love and wisdom and humility to keep on learning life. And key to this is sharing experience strength and hope which applies to me and maybe helping another alcoholic learning their truth, how to love and be loved back. In other words a handle on truth which leads to true and equal partnerships with everyone I may encounter today…
AA Daily Reflections ~ "LIVING OUR AMENDS... Years of living with an alcoholic is almost sure to make any wife or child neurotic. The entire family is to some extent, ill. ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p. 122
It is important for me to realize that, as an alcoholic, I not only hurt myself, but also those around me. Making amends to my family, and to the families of alcoholics still suffering, will always be important. Understanding the havoc I created and trying to repair the destruction, will be a lifelong endeavour. The example of my sobriety may give others hope, and faith to help themselves."
More Will Be Revealed... Experience Strength & Hope. When we wake up, we can ask ourselves "How am I feeling, why and what may I choose to do today?" We can be open, honest and willing, let go our expectations, be open to choices we have, and simply be ourselves today...
Living Amends... nobody is perfect, today sober we can let go our anger and resentment towards ourselves for being human, realise we may be judging our fellows when we need only work on our own attitudes and actions. The living amend, sober and to be human sized, equal with humility...
June 13 2007
Fix - Fear of Life DonInLondon ‘Day in the Life’
This element, of fixing things. Fixing me and people, places and things. All the fear of life revolves around fixing and looking the part and being the something you may relate to. Fixing often means we apply a plaster to a gaping emotional wound. I have had this emptiness inside for most my life, and it’s a real fear when we see the truth, that life is something we have feared almost from day one of living and breathing. Ego and bravery cover fear, it’s always there even when we don’t exhibit it.
The last few days have offered much food for thought, the problems can become indigestible and so we get stuck trying to resolve the issues and realise there is pretty much nothing we can do. A normal person in similar circumstance, well I wonder what a normal person might decide. They would probably be stoic and accept life is life. And then there is always a but, or not yet.
Housing issues are on my mind. Having found my housing details suspended on the council register last week, and the flap to make sure all paperwork has been handed in… Well I did that and everything seemed ok until yesterday, and found myself downgraded as a priority in a certain category. Which indeed is what has happened, but it’s a computer glitch and the department concerned have advised me there are many anomalies occurring.
So by tonight I felt reasonably safe, but not safe as my head can imagine the worst when there is nothing I may fear?
And on top of this I have an assessment with the Department of Work and Pensions medical people in a couple of weeks. This assessment last year left me feeling very disturbed and a challenge was made about my ethnicity and outlook on the world. A cruel and nasty suggestion from a doctor paid for by the government and the works and pensions department. And I feel powerless and concerned the same may happen again.
What can I do?
Well today I have arranged an appointment with my own Doctor a week ahead of the department of Works and Pensions, to understand the things I need tell the government assigned doctor. And also seek advice about what that Doctor may do and say to me. I hope he does not do as last year and call me names. Indeed I would prefer that this assessment was on camera and his questioning made clear and how they do their assessment.
But and yet - Fix
The problems are manifest, there are no ways to understand the process and fix myself so I may share the right information. So the best I can do is ask and ask and ask. Different questions to the right people. I realise already this is a process which disables both the Doctor assessing me and my responses to a narrow band of questions relating to physicality as well as mental health.
I cannot fix a thing right now. And it seems powerlessness is the key. As is acceptance that this whole series of events feels overly complicated and overly managed to produce a particular result, and is not designed in any shape or form to help me and my recovery. But why should it?
Why should anything be designed to assist people to new endeavours, a little bit of security and being able to make a contribution to life?
As things are, the systems are there and they do whatever they must to make something happen. Often it leaves people in disarray and disorder and back in fear of life.
I cannot fix any of this and need let go and let go, it’s the sanest thing to do. Even though I am not too sane most of the time and emotional upheavals and undermining processes are not easy to live through, well I am one of many, and we perish easy. And then the problem certainly does go away.
Fixing things Generally
When we can we do, and we are all good at fixing things on a day by day basis. Confronted with three elements of recovery has been a complicated process for me.
What works for me?
In recovery and making life work in the day, as an alcoholic in recovery, I see the world more real these days. Fear of life however is a continuous conundrum and sometimes it’s nice to reflect how easy it is to give up and become what I used to be. Simply mad.
I never enjoyed mad and became more and more unhinged in trying to fix myself. So fellowship and good conscience have helped me find a path. Not easy as we all can break down in a day, and find we need to start again. The truth is we have one day only in recovery, this one. So we try keep our feelings and thinking in the day.
Day by Day
I see how I am with type 1 diabetes, a self-managed regime with a lot of support from my fellowship friends. Clinical depression is chemically assisted as well as professionally monitored and by me. Recovery a day at a time and the fellowship of AA has helped make life possible through awful times and breakdowns.
For me A Day At a Time
This is the key and when I project, I am powerless, and when I utilise my history, it keeps telling me to let go and move along and be whatever I may as life becomes more manageable. Well, maybe, sometimes.
Sometimes when overwhelmed I do break down and then ask for help from friends in fellowship. I try not to bother professionals least often simply because they are so unavailable. I have seen my GP once in a year, for example. And so it’s a novelty to go so her next week. And why? Because they have little time and no time for complicated as my situation is. Psychiatry and diabetic assessments are done in the hospital down the road from me. And in truth their reporting to my GP is limited.
I truly am the only person who is really aware of the day by day, and to an extent anyone who reads my words has more insight to me than me and any professional I suspect. But there is an expert patient training course for some of us who have more than one or two things to contend with.
So I am concerned to give this a go, and then maybe it will help me and others, mainly professionals understand the simple truths of what someone like me does and lives with as a consequence of illness in my head and body.
The problem often with how the current medical support is divided up, by lottery and postal brick, by how far some professional has made good on their studies. Well, it’s all in the lap of some external force to me, and I am as powerless as can be over medical processes and assessments designed not to help me particularly.
Rush to End Games
We all rush to conclusions and find great satisfaction in comprehending and being in command of truth, hard facts, and our emotional understanding. And worst of all the prejudice of years in systems and processes where we are rewarded for and made more attractive by rewards for “Job Done”
Recovery: The job is never “job done”
Like life we must attend every day. As some of us do this without denials and filters of one kind or another, so too many utilise hard measures and some performance management techniques to their processes and professional standing is enhanced by quantity and rarely quality.
Quality of Life
Although I am now less able and have some drawbacks and incapacities, I realise my understanding of much of the fear in me has been solved. All I need now do is get over it! And just for a day or a lifetime? A day only is all I can reply at this moment.
Some things we cannot get over or change and put back the clock. Some things are profound and don’t go away. I am learning and seeing this day by day on a personal front.
I am learning a lot about prejudice and what people cannot deal with. As much as I deal with me, it’s a complicated, yet very simple plot to living by the day.
The prejudices experienced these last few years have been as humiliating as anyone may feel and now the humiliation is less on a day by day basis by me about me. At the same time I have grasped more of the fundamentals of life and living in this journey. Prejudice and Ego keep many in false prisons they feel happy regulating in their own delusions. And made easier through fear and lack of challenge and going with what has been abysmal and murderous on many who live on the edge of society, condemned and ridiculed for ailments not intended or realised until it was too late.
Is my key today, and as I may I will endeavour. I need not worry or feel less than or more than anyone else. Ego will destroy me as courage will save me by the day. And acceptance of life on life’s terms as prejudice exudes, and compassion is sometimes found, this is my key.
A day at a time…
Step 6 "Spiritual Willingness" Reading Video Link:
wrongs. Chapter 6, Into Action, Big Book From: Page 72 Thru: Page 75, the bottom of the page. 12 And 12 Step 5."
June ~ Video Reading Chapter Six Into Action Link:
I do not speak for Alcoholics Anonymous I speak for myself. Alcoholics Anonymous is a fellowship of unique and authentic people who speak for themselves where they will to share experience, strength and hope about recovery on a daily basis. Anonymity affords sanctuary to find how to live sober and be open, honest and willing to learn life day by day. For me "truth," "love" and "wisdom" offer the best spiritual experience by living reality today. Into the fabric of recovery from alcoholism are woven the Twelve Steps and the Traditions: steps to be open, honest and willing to learn, traditions to live unity, service and recovery.
Spiritual principles ~ Forgiveness Acceptance Surrender Faith Open-mindedness Honesty Willingness Moral-inventory Amends Humility Persistence Spiritual-growth Service