Alcoholics Anonymous Blog December 19 2014 "Freedom To Choose”
Wild winds in the night, rain and I dressed appropriately in my waterproofs to get to a meeting. And then the rain stopped and I could have gone smart casual. Sharing a message of experience strength and hope, in my waterproofs, made me smile. Somebody else shared that it doesn't matter what we look like, and I smiled inside because it doesn't matter what we look like, it's okay just to be the way we are today.
Somebody sitting next to me asked me how I was, he's a good man and my quirky reply made him laugh, after a bit of thought I said, "I am morbidly happy." And I do get a chance to share my morbidly happy situation. Morbidly, as a result of a doctors appointment and filling in questionnaires, which most people would evaluate me as being almost suicidal. Happily I am not suicidal, I am just dealing with life on life's terms. Maybe the questionnaire needs to be adjusted for people in recovery like me, who can be morbidly happy.
What is so important to me in sharing a message of experience, strength and hope is that I am open, honest and willing to do so. In the past before recovery, I would control what I shared about me, and that was always to my detriment because I would not get the feedback from other people so I might develop a more rounded outlook on life.
It is so easy to fall back into bad habits of trying to control myself and what I share. If I don't share honestly, honestly the feedback I get is probably useless. What on earth would people think if I told them the truth? That was always a question in my own mind back in the day, what do people think of me? Well the truth back in the day, it would have been limited generally and only a few people might see through the mask I wore, I would say I was fine, and most of the time I was far from fine, I was hurting inside.
These days it's easier to be truthful, no matter what people might make of me in my truthful state, it gives them the opportunity to tell me the truth about me. And sometimes the truth hurts, simply because I haven't heard it before until now. It hurts less and less as time goes by, not because I dismiss the truth, I embrace the truth as shared by other people. Because most of us are experiencing life in similar ways, in similar situations. And then again, even though we are experiencing similar events, the way we cope can be completely different and very valuable to know so that we can grow and learn new ways to live.
I feel good, even though morbidly happy might seem to be at opposite ends of feelings, the way life is, means from moment to moment, conflicting feelings and conflicting emotions can happen almost simultaneously. Which is why we can laugh and cry almost in the same moment of now. I'm not morbid right now, and for the last few hours since the meeting, I feel happy.
Step Twelve Reading 12 & 12
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