Friday 31 August 2012

August 31 2012 | AA 12 Steps In Action | Step 8 Amends And Willing Alcoholics Anonymous

August 31 2012 | AA 12 Steps In Action | Step 8 Amends And Willing Alcoholics Anonymous Today's AA daily reflection: "AA will never have a professional class in the realm of emotional and spiritual well-being one day at a time…" How wonderful it is that a fellowship dedicated helping people find their emotional and spiritual well-being will remain for ever non-professional. After all who can be a professional one day winning a gold medal, the next day completely clueless and somewhere in between most days learning life as we go? We may learn more about what makes us tick today, but tomorrow it may turn out to be a tack we stand on and yelp with pain…

Video For Today:

In AA what you say counts

The principles of the twelve steps and twelve traditions have helped me understand that life is to be lived, relishing the truth of now, learning that the truth of now keeps on changing as I learn more about my emotional and spiritual living. Knowing what my feelings are in the moment of now and being able to cope with them, not deny them, not suppress my feelings, simply to understand what makes me tick and share about it. And equally listen to what makes other people tick and see the similarities as well as the profound diversity of experience, strength and hope which opens the door to understanding and acceptance of the wonder of life on life's terms…

And the beauty of non-professional? No single person will ever have a monopoly on the description or trying to define another person’s emotional and spiritual living. Indeed defining other people on the emotional and spiritual level is exercising judgement on them, when the only consideration is understanding what is right, right now. And as an individual listening and learning from the experience, strength and hope of others helps me make sense when I cannot make sense of my own life today...

"Freely ye have received, freely give" we do receive large amounts of experience strength and hope, and I freely give mine back. At the same time my experience, strength and hope will never suit anyone and everyone. Indeed my experience strength and hope, hopefully motivates anyone anywhere to define their own experience, strength and hope. Sometimes I can have a useful point to make about my recovery, which inspires anyone to share what was useful to them in their recovery. And without the help of fellowship I would never have known the true meaning of emotional and spiritual life, where feelings are very real in the moment of now. A fellowship where, nobody absolutely nobody has a monopoly on what is right and what is wrong in the moment of now, where it counts…

DonInLondon 2005 2011

Old me back then, self-hate and self-harm no ability to love. Today enough self-esteem, to love, be loved and useful. I can love people and not like their behaviour and develop forgiveness daily. Acceptance and forgiveness, progress not perfect is a two way street today…

I used to expect everyone had the same outlook as me. Treat others as you might expect them to treat you. In fellowship we have principles which we learn, sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly and sometimes never. Forgive those who never do, they are a blinking nuisance to our serenity today…

August 2008 ~ 2010

Alcoholics Anonymous will never have a professional class: As the only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking, the doors are always open in the fellowship of A.A. No class divisions, no separation, no hierarchy. We are always on the same page, on the same journey, one day at a time. We bring experience, strength and hope to fellowship and just for today. We become students in the master class of life. Progress is dependent on our spiritual condition, the ability to live in reality with least denial and without fixing ourselves with people, places and things.

Acceptance of how we are today means we do not judge or control. And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation -- some fact of my life -- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's [our world as it may be today] world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.

August 31 2010 ~ wisdom freely received and freely given and always today... A fellowship where we develop our: spiritual, emotional and physical well-being. Spiritual: how much I live in reality, emotional; how balanced is my outlook; physical, as well as I may be today. Perspective in fellowship, sharing wisdom to live harmoniously in the moment of now

August 31 2010 ~ Freedom in humility... The journey of living is now, not the destination. Freedom today is letting go control and letting choices happen. If I try to control and shape, it is my world and not ours. Freedom and humility: to learn and develop choices as life offers in harmony and not in conflict. Humility offers learning and progress today

-/-

AA Daily Reflections ~ "A unique programme... Alcoholics Anonymous will never have a professional class. We have gained some understanding of the ancient words “Freely ye have received, freely give.” We have discovered that at the point of professionalism, money and spirituality do not mix. [12&12]

I believe that Alcoholics Anonymous stands alone in the treatment of alcoholism because it is based solely on the principle of one alcoholic sharing with another alcoholic. This is what makes the program unique. When I decided that I wanted to stay sober, I called a woman who I knew was a sober member of A.A., and she carried the message of Alcoholics Anonymous to me. She received no monetary compensation, but rather was paid by staying sober another day herself. Today I could ask for no payment other than another day free from alcohol, so in that respect, I am generously paid for my labour."

We learn as we can just one day at a time…

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AA Official Online Site: Daily Reflections

AA Official Online Site: Big Book And Twelve And Twelve

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Step 8 "Step Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all." "n other words, who have you harmed? You will recall from our discussion of Steps 4 and 5, that a preliminary list of persons we had harmed is generated there. The list will now be refined into a personal amendment plan, which is the product of Step 8."Although this step requires plenty of work, there is nothing frightening in it. Amends are not actually made in Step 8. Instead, we plan for the making of amends in Step 9, which follows. Harm is: injury, hurt, damage, misfortune, grief, pain, sorrow, evil, wrong or wickedness. Have we brought about any of these in the lives of others? The Big Book and the 12&12 also are quite specific about harm." BB Bunch

August Video Reading Step Eight Into Action Link:

Step Eight Reading

“How It Works” Reading Video Link:

Chapter Five How Fellowship And Recovery Works

“Into Action" Reading Video Link:

Chapter Six Into Action

-/-

I do not speak for Alcoholics Anonymous I speak for myself. Alcoholics Anonymous is a fellowship of unique and authentic people who speak for themselves where they will to share experience, strength and hope about recovery on a daily basis. Anonymity affords sanctuary to find how to live sober and be open, honest and willing to learn life day by day. For me "truth," "love" and "wisdom" offer the best spiritual experience by living reality today. Into the fabric of recovery from alcoholism are woven the Twelve Steps and the Traditions: steps to be open, honest and willing to learn, traditions to live unity, service and recovery.

-/-

Spiritual principles ~ Forgiveness Acceptance Surrender Faith Open-mindedness Honesty Willingness Moral-inventory Amends Humility Persistence Spiritual-growth Service

-/-

Wednesday 29 August 2012

August 29 2012 | AA 12 Steps In Action | Step 8 Amends And Willing Alcoholics Anonymous

August 29 2012 | AA 12 Steps In Action | Step 8 Amends And Willing Alcoholics Anonymous Today's AA daily reflection: "since there are no rules in AA, I choose anonymity…" Anonymity is double-edged, it opens up the door to be open, honest and willing to change by providing safe sanctuary to get on the path of sobriety and stay on it. Within fellowship and from prying eyes we find out how to be truthful and live in unity, being of service to each other and live recovery one day at a time. The other edge to anonymity can be utilised by those with dark purposes, to control and develop fear and impose a rule of law which does not exist… The real violators are those who suggest steps and traditions can be violated as if they are rules...

Video For Today:

No Rules In AA

In recent times, again I don't know why people assume they have a right to tell others what to do within the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. So it is timely, that in the daily reflections it points out very clearly that there are no rules in AA. There are no leaders, because simply leaders can hang onto power rather than the principle of service. We don't elect trusted servants forever, and I don't want a trusted servant behaving like a leader telling me what to do. Underpinning the whole of the fellowship programme is the simple straightforward understanding that a person sober can make better choices about how they live their lives today, and the humility to keep on learning life by making mistakes every single day until we stop trudging the road of life…

All people are free to follow their beliefs and their personal moral code, some conservative in their values and some are liberal in their values. And most people given the opportunity look to make the best choices for themselves and those around them, to love the people to be loved back and live a useful life. The fellowship of AA came about to help people get a life back and not have it controlled or undermined. There is but one ultimate authority and it's not you and it is certainly not me! So as a supporter of a newcomer, if you tell them what to do and if you tell them that you cannot help them if they won't thoroughly follow your instructions even though you might call them suggestions, you make yourself a prisoner as much as you make them your prisoner, it is the horror of codependence and that is not love…

Inner joy and peace comes from the freedom to be oneself. There may be some satisfaction in controlling others under the auspices of anonymity, but if someone is controlling you, you are not free and anyone suggesting damnation as a result of not thoroughly following your path as you see it, can be offering a return to hell and uncertainty and a shorter life. There is freedom in unity, service and recovery...

Social media and recovery: social media gives every single person an opportunity to make connections to keep on the path of recovery from addiction to anything. The addiction can be people, places and substances. Social media and networking provides support to people who feel stuck wherever they may be. The connection to a wider number of people in recovery has helped me when I could not get out to meetings, develop friendships which are based on recovery, developed into firm friendships and founded in the philosophy of fellowship, living and practising the principles of the twelve steps and twelve traditions and as they say in the jargon, "without let or hindrance" which simply means without impediment...

Truth is the spiritual foundation of life. And I tend to agree with what Gandhi said, "God is truth and God is love."

AA Daily Reflections ~ "I choose anonymity... We are sure that humility, expressed by anonymity, is the greatest safeguard that Alcoholics Anonymous can ever have. [12 & 12]

Since there are no rules in A.A., I place myself where I want to be, and so I choose anonymity. I want my God to use me, humbly, as one of His tools in this program. Sacrifice is the art of giving of myself freely, allowing humility to replace my ego. With sobriety, I suppress that urge to cry out to the world, “I am a member of A.A.” and I experience inner joy and peace. I let people see the changes in me and hope they will ask what happened to me. I place the principles of spirituality ahead of judging, fault-finding, and criticism. I want love and caring in my group, so I can grow."

DonInLondon 2005 2011

Bank Holiday Monday, less meetings of fellowship today as some venues for meetings are closed. Good news, any meeting close to home is likely to be full of people I know, a chance to say hello and catch up just for today…

And lots of people are coming back from holidays as August comes to an end. Some mad as hatters, some so chilled out they are horizontal. Some angry and resentful, mostly serene as the meetings start, preamble sharing and a prayer to truth, love and wisdom for today…

August 2008 ~ 2010

"Since there are no rules in A.A."

Truth, love and wisdom learned, key to living openly, honestly and willing to face the consequences of who I am today. Sober life has taught me to accept the consequences of not only my attitudes and behaviour but those of others too. No secrets to keep me or you deluded or stuck, one day at a time...

Anonymity in fellowship offers confidentiality. Anonymity to find the truth of who I am and can be a day at a time. Truth is my spiritual compass, truth the foundation of spiritual living... The horrible truth of addiction back then locked me in secrecy, truth today liberates, not just me, but everyone who knows me today...

-/-

August 29th 2006

Bank Holiday Blues

Or just another day? I don’t know myself. My Bank Holiday Monday as usual was as long as any other day. Having been up most of the night, my world was well advanced when I checked and found that Sainsbury’s opened at 9:00AM, meaning I could go get a lettuce early for salad with some chicken for my dinner later. In the olden days supermarkets were only open from 11:00AM. So I am out of touch with where law and shop opening have gone. And in the really olden days, no shops were open on holidays, and pubs had restrictions on their hours.

The world is definitely a 24/7 regime these days and we all seem able to make use of it as it expands to utilise everything to the optimum. We seem driven to fill every waking second, its as if we are driven to make every moment count, needing and wanting. We need to do this, we want to do that. No space to take stock and reaction goes as responses and considerations leave us in a backwater. Jumping on the next bandwagon before we are left behind. We all seem to be playing catch up in a spinning environment.

Our esteem and confidence seems to be set by our constant ability to be flexible and jump, how high and how long and wherever the next fad and fashion may be. There is little consolidation, little time to appraise the right path, the right way. We seem to be lemmings, or like mice in a wheel, driven and driven again with relentless movement somewhere and yet directionless to our true purpose.

Taking Stock

What a world in recovery for me! Physically, I have to consolidate me as often as seems necessary, to find the balance which is so elusive so often. Just keeping in balance and following a regime to ensure my physical being is in order requires extra monitoring with tests for or five times a day to check blood sugars, food intake and amount of energy to use to get that balance. And continue to shed weight as diet and exercise are calibrated.

Emotionally, it’s the usual ups and downs. I was talking with a fellow last night about their depression. He as old as me and a long term sufferer, we know how depression works for us and we are not dissimilar. And we do need ask ourselves those questions of how am I feeling, why and what can I do? This we do as we go along, for forgetting to ask those questions we can find our mood altering dramatically, going up then down, then crashing through to the all too familiar depths where its almost impossible to move and do anything at all. He like me uses meetings of the fellowship to keep the worst of depression at bay. We don’t stop the depression, its still there but we cope better by attending meetings and keeping in company, especially when we don’t want company, we just need it to keep faith and in touch with being human at all.

And spiritually, well as I mentioned in my last post here, Sunday evening was great as was the morning meeting. Human spirit, it needs to be sustained, and through the friendship of others most of us get by, yet fail to develop our good conscience as we might wish, the rush at life stops us as we go helter-skelter for the next challenge with little learning from the one just achieved. Our spiritual development is lacking in our modern world. Not because we don’t want it, but because the world does not recognise its importance or gets it so rigid in religiosity, large swathes of us fail to make our connection with our humanity and any spiritual infusion gets lost in embarrassment and cult type worries. Our spiritual insides are most often starved as the world is engaged in the next best thing and forgets the best thing we have, ourselves and our good conscience.

What a Dog’s Breakfast!

And yes it is just like that sometimes. Last night, the meeting was packed out with usual suspects and more. As Bank holidays mean some venues are shut, my usual meeting was packed with more than the usual number. And it was a good meeting but hardly intimate and hardly sustaining as it was disingenuous, lacked some of the sincerity you get as a consequence of familiarity with so many ‘foreign bodies’ about. Anyway there were things I saw going on, which indeed are none of my business and had to put them out of my mind. Smiles here it is easy to move to be judgmental and wonder how on earth some things happen, but they do, we are humans after all.

Tea duties

At this meeting there is a vacancy for tea maker, a good and although sometimes a difficult position to fill, its one which affords much in connection and regularity for the post holder. At the moment there is little interest in taking it up, so I offered to fill in and help. Then found there are issues I was unaware of surrounding the post of tea person, which have nothing to do with me, more to do with other things. And now I find I have had to put the brakes on my offer of help beyond one meeting, or by default will end up being the tea maker. And I’ve done it before, so it would be unfair to become the tea maker by default, indeed it would be easy to construe my offer of help so many ways, I now wish I had been less helpful and never offered in the first place.

Service

But I will help out for the next one. And then find another post elsewhere, service is after all integral to our fellowship and doing some service, like tea making, greeting people, helping with literature etc, there are plenty of vacancies around which I would be pleased to do, as long as the vacancy is well advertised and others who are keen to be more involved get their chance to bid for a position. Doing things by default just gets up people’s noses and makes them think something goes on behind the scenes, and I want none of that.

So yesterday was a dog’s breakfast sort of day, with tempers a little frayed around the edges and I felt that dislocation, and realised it truly was their business and not mine. My world needs to be what it is without others and their turbulence making it more difficult.

Sunday Night

All of Sunday it seems the fog in my Noggin was less than usual. Even with fatigue so ingrained and all that jazz, insomnia and definite disruption that involves, my thinking and clarity of listening had been really good. Hearing what is said and shared is so much more powerful when we can really listen and let things sink in.

Listening, we often listen just for what we want to hear, and don’t hear anything else. We crave familiarity and can miss so much. We need to listen more carefully, it’s a human thing. Humans like me only hear what suits us, and that’s just a small part of the speaking we encounter. Its no wonder we humans get into conflict. We are crap at listening generally.

Anyways, Sunday was great. And the evening meeting was full, and it was unusual being a holiday, there is no rhyme or reason why it might be well attended. Anyway our ‘chair’, our speaker, they had a lot to say, and for anonymity I relate my take on what was said as it applied to me and not them.

Its an angry world

In my upbringing, which I feel was as good as it could be under the circumstances, I learned many ways to feel things to the good. And there were many things I never learned to express, and one emotion in particular was anger.

We are allowed to be human you would think. We are to an extent. Yet while we have every element of human in us, our emotions are expressed as we are taught. I was taught to be kind and loving. I often saw anger and frustration so violently expressed I feared it totally and never knew myself how to express my anger. I suppressed anger as often as I could and it burned in me, simmering a long time.

Fear, I guess of some expression of anger, became second nature to me. But we need to remind ourselves we come equipped with every emotion to be developed and utilised in its right place at the right time. And like so many others we either get to develop our full range of emotions or for reasons of culture or family or tradition we suppress some emotions and have them boiling inside where they work on us and not outside where they would have served us to the right degree.

We also encounter unbridled anger from others. Just because we look a certain way, happen to be male or female, happen to have an orientation to life others hate, or have a colour which others don’t like. We get some anger before we even speak and make ourselves open to anger for who we really are. Those things are beyond our control. And we deal as best we can.

But our inside emotions, we might be well served to understand we have in us all that nature gives. Nature can make us loving, nature can make us brutal. How we are taught helps us understand the expression and appropriateness of our feelings, or fails.

Anger is one thing I never learned very well. And my response to others anger was to give in most likely, so others got their way. Or anger so violent I would walk away from it. And other’s anger I never realised was there, unaware I angered many by my normal behaviour of being me. So it is complicated to work it all out if we keep trying to second guess others all the time.

But what was related and shared help me see, that truly we need really only sort ourselves out in this enterprise of living. Making sure we can deal with our own emotions first and foremost. And how we respond to the world, our way of expression and being heard.

Anger in my sober world

I never realised just how angry I was until I put down the drink. So many violent and torrid situations I had gone through and reacted to them and not dealt with the consequences.

And now, when someone, something makes me feel anger, its normally all about the impact the situation has on me. It makes me feel awful and its unjustified and unfair. And I need express it appropriately.

But on Sunday as the meeting developed it was obvious a lot of us have deep and horrid thoughts connected to anger, which have built up over years, where life has dealt some very raw deals and people have suffered much, or conversely dealt out too much on the back of anger they had learned.

We humans are capable of anything

It was a lesson. Indeed from the most meek and mild, to the obvious thug we might encounter, we all have capacity to be as nature made us, to love, to hate. And when it comes to anger, anyone can react out of fear and do their worst in a split second. In the blink of an eye it seemed, inside we could go from calm to murderous in our thoughts.

And it’s a shock in a world with sobriety and nothing to filter these feelings. We need to understand our nature and not react on it, or the consequences I have heard are as bad as can be. And these last few weeks my feelings of anger have been so sorely tested, not just by events, but because I feel so much from my suppression, the anger is not justified to the event. Its all out of proportion and all skewed so deep, it makes me feel frightened as to what I might do.

All this stuff came out from so many and me, and our anger understood and where it has come from helps me and others realise what needs to be done. We need take a breath and respond and wait a few moments, check ourselves out and wonder why this small anger grew so large we feel out of control.

How this relates to esteem in particular

I mentioned ages ago, the road rage incident, where a chap had been out with the family on an outing in the car and he was subjected to the road rage of another. And he too had been looped into the whole thing and ended up so enraged, he scared himself and his family.

And this chap had come back after years to the fellowship to work on his angry feelings and his reactions. And it seems we too in the fellowship share out our anger, and express our fears and overblown notions that we were the real cause of all that went on.

Our esteem and our confidence was completely undermined by our inability to express what was really going on. We got everything out of proportion so easily, and coming to meetings to put things in perspective helps get our response to our anger and expression done in the right measure and place. And often when we got angry it bubbled up much history inside us than ever the incident needed or justified.

And it’s the same whether in recovery or just an ordinary person, our anger is often so deep when it comes out we don’t just react to the moment but add everything on top. So reactions are bad news and responses are more measured when we know what’s going on.

Getting to know ourselves

Yes we are! We are getting to know ourselves so much more. We understand and accept where anger has taken us, either to hide or to fight to alarming degrees. And we know how better it is to express things like anger to their rightful measure, and not more and not at all.

Revelation

Well is it really so much a revelation? That my feelings of late were so out of proportion I felt so wounded? Not really now. And my reactions to hide were my normal, as to try and respond was never going to work. If I had acted on my initial feeling, goodness knows what I might have done, something I would never ever be proud of or admire in anyone for sure.

So I learned all over again. How did I feel about things just recently? So angry I could not function. But I asked myself the questions, and so acknowledged my anger. Why? Because I was being judged and all that happened was based on misinformation. What did I do? I shared my truth, and hoped it was the truth. Shared my upset and tried to see what could be done. Accepted I could not do anything other than go with the process of being judged and assessed. Took my feelings and my really out of balance feelings to meetings and expressed over and over what was going on in head. Until the power of the upset got into better proportions so I could function again.

And I know its not over yet, for things are still up in the air. And I know I have to deal with reality. And the reality is a lot of what is happening is out of my hands. I need to accept the world as it is, and also be open to changing and expressing my feelings as they are and where they do no harm to me or to others just doing their job. And just darn well get on with living.

So I am finding expression, and I am dealing with the reality, reality is not always fair or to my way of thinking, and that’s ok, it is just the way it is. So ya boo and it sucks, and hooray, its out of my system to much of my surprise.

What I realise is life is just what it is and I can deal with being the usually depressed miserable git I am, and also work on being a sociable miserable git when needed.

The Brave face we wear

Finally, when I was chatting last night to the other chap with depression, we both noted how often we look ok. We do put on a brave face, a poker face.

We don’t often express our feelings so deep they near break us every day. And the why? We don’t want you to know how miserable we really are, or be seen so gloomy nobody will engage or want to know us. And if we look ok you won’t dig too deep and find our pain, in case we unravel in front of you. Because if we did come unstuck out there in the public world, however would we put ourselves back together or be able to function with you knowing the truth?

Answer, if we were more open more often, we would clear out our reserves, and get over the crap accumulated inside a lot quicker. Fortunately my fellows and me do this clearing away of old rubbish all the time so it does not build up anymore or as much as it used to. But there is still a lot of rubbish dumped inside still and it’s a daily chore to throw it out before it stinks up our life again.

And Sunday was an excellent reminder in why recovery and the fellowship are so helpful to me and my esteem. Knowing and understanding our part in living well, its helping us find balance each day, a day at a time. And life never stops, it will always be 24/7, and we need our safe place to off load our reactions to living, so we respond well to life..!

We learn as we can just one day at a time…

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AA Official Online Site: Daily Reflections

AA Official Online Site: Big Book And Twelve And Twelve

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Step 8 "Step Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all." "n other words, who have you harmed? You will recall from our discussion of Steps 4 and 5, that a preliminary list of persons we had harmed is generated there. The list will now be refined into a personal amendment plan, which is the product of Step 8."Although this step requires plenty of work, there is nothing frightening in it. Amends are not actually made in Step 8. Instead, we plan for the making of amends in Step 9, which follows. Harm is: injury, hurt, damage, misfortune, grief, pain, sorrow, evil, wrong or wickedness. Have we brought about any of these in the lives of others? The Big Book and the 12&12 also are quite specific about harm." BB Bunch

August Video Reading Step Eight Into Action Link:

Step Eight Reading

“How It Works” Reading Video Link:

Chapter Five How Fellowship And Recovery Works

“Into Action" Reading Video Link:

Chapter Six Into Action

-/-

I do not speak for Alcoholics Anonymous I speak for myself. Alcoholics Anonymous is a fellowship of unique and authentic people who speak for themselves where they will to share experience, strength and hope about recovery on a daily basis. Anonymity affords sanctuary to find how to live sober and be open, honest and willing to learn life day by day. For me "truth," "love" and "wisdom" offer the best spiritual experience by living reality today. Into the fabric of recovery from alcoholism are woven the Twelve Steps and the Traditions: steps to be open, honest and willing to learn, traditions to live unity, service and recovery.

-/-

Spiritual principles ~ Forgiveness Acceptance Surrender Faith Open-mindedness Honesty Willingness Moral-inventory Amends Humility Persistence Spiritual-growth Service

-/-

Tuesday 28 August 2012

August 28 2012 | AA 12 Steps In Action | Step 8 Amends And Willing Alcoholics Anonymous

August 28 2012 | AA 12 Steps In Action | Step 8 Amends And Willing Alcoholics Anonymous Today's AA daily reflection: "expression lightens the burden…" Through sharing, experience strength and hope we let a little bit of our history out every time. Just like breathing, we take in fresh air and let go the detritus of life. Tuesday a working day after the bank holiday weekend. Notting Hill Carnival, impressive in so many ways, good, bad and ugly. Tuesday just starting, feels a little flat after the pounding…

Video For Today:

expression and letting go

Expressing ourselves, and I need to remind myself after a weekend of highs and lows, step one, if I try to manage my feelings life will get unmanageable. If I know what my feelings are, for example, HALT: hungry angry lonely tired, I can understand my thinking and then I can manage my choices and actions to a degree today. Emotional, knowing my feelings and the impact they will have on my actions today…

In order to understand our feelings we need to know what they are. Under the influence of alcohol, much of my emotional life was suppressed or a elevated but nothing real in between, and except a lot of thinking and doing and hoping that by taking action I would be able to find a better day tomorrow. There is the future obviously, and we may have long-term goals, and at the same time we need to look after ourselves and live life real today and then most likely, tomorrow will take care of itself…

Too much thinking and not enough action? I don't know if there is a formula between thinking and doing, but if there is no action, thinking has no impact on what we are up to on a daily basis. Learning the fellowship is all about emotional and spiritual "being" has been very helpful. I never knew how rich the emotional life would be until I was able to open up and express my feelings about real life and how to cope with it. People talk of intellectualising, actually all it means is stuck in thinking mode and probably trying to rule the world around us, the more I tried to control the more I was stuck in thinking and doing to preserve rather than innovate and be myself. These days going with the flow and understanding the universe just a little bit better one day at a time…

Who am I today? May seem like a bit of a silly question, but who really answers? And if we were to ask ourselves who we are today and every day, where would we be? Maybe as part of my daily meditation, on the bus, standing still for a moment close to the end of the evening, the last few moments before sleep in bed, simply just knowing if I am hungry, angry, lonely or tired helps. If I have had joy today, or sadness today or a new experience today, I have changed from when I woke up this morning and I am different one day at a time… Progress is key and not perfection…

AA Daily Reflections ~ "Lightening the burden... Showing others who suffer how we were given help is the very thing which makes life seem so worth while to us now. . . . the dark past is . . . the key to life and happiness for others. [big book]

Since I have been sober, I have been healed of many pains: deceiving my partner, deserting my best friend, and spoiling my mother’s hopes for my life. In each case someone in the program told me of a similar problem, and I was able to share what happened to me. When my story was told, both of us got up with lighter hearts."

DonInLondon 2005 2011

Speaking for myself! In fellowship I may speak for myself, never speak for you. Experience strength and hope is particular to each of us. And we are non-professional in a fellowship based on love not science. We may be learning the art of life together, each with our own particular outlook. Each and everyone a teacher in what works or does not work today. Can do, change me, cannot do change you, the wisdom to cherish always...

A kind word, a handshake and "how are you doing?" We never know what the response may be. We may try help and not be worried if we are not welcome. Fear and isolation are so frequent, and then we make a difference as another shares their story to us today. Simply listening to good news or bad news open the door, offers inclusion on a dark night when loneliness grips and bites deep in the soul...

August 2008 ~ 2010

Light of heart... when we wake up each knowing we are never alone, that we can share our good news and our hard news and be supported and challenged helpfully, a heavy heart is lightened. Conscious contact with good conscience, a broader view, our life choices become more open and realistic today

How am I feeling, why and what to do... I feel good, because I am not alone, and I can share openly, honestly and be willing to change. I can cover my needs today, be free of wants, know desires are good and be open to all possibilities. Good choices, possibilities, options, a No is as good as Yes.

-/-

August 28th 2006

~ The Gift ~ restored to sanity, just daily

Bank holidays, for many years I always seemed to work Bank holidays, I worked in industries where seven day a week operations was just the way it was, no closure, no days off. So it is odd for me when some of the world are enjoying a Bank holiday three day weekend to treat it as any other weekend, in fact any other set of days in a row. As I mentioned there no days off in recovery…

Its been raining these last few early hours of Bank holiday Monday morning, and its chilly. I’ve been mulling over the meetings from yesterday. Both were excellent for me.

Me and my writing

I feel its been good to write, and as you know I can write. I do this all the time, so its not as if a couple of weeks ago I started writing all of a sudden. It has been something I’ve been doing off and on for years. And sometime back I wanted to learn how to make a web page and put my thoughts out there on the web.

We start something and then it grows. It all started because I needed to have an email address. I met someone, she was just lovely and wanted to keep in touch and signed up for a free account on msn oh and on some others too over the years all now defunct. And they had all sorts of extras to add in like make a web page, messenger, so I could keep in touch and things called chat rooms. Chat rooms are generally gone these days as we know, they seemed like a good idea and then got hijacked by less well meaning types. Everything gets exploited. Anyway "she" never got my email, as she let her free account lapse. I smile as I cannot reveal her name, it would not be fair, and the crush I had, it went away as there was no common ground for us and distance was great. Just like life I guess.

Any way I got the bug to write and had always had it. And so I am out there writ large and sometimes people have a look. I think I’ve decided to post here just for a month.

So the posts will end around the 14th of September. I feel a month of writing here on the Beeb is just as much as can be stood by anyone, and then the post no doubt will disappear which will do to share my recovery, or sooner depends how the moderators feel. I don’t know it has much more in it right now or me either. I am hampered in writing about a lot to do with recovery. And some traditions we have in our fellowship. I need be discreet and keep faith with anonymity. Its so vital and important to our fellowship. And recovery is about sharing and helping those who have a desire to stop drinking, not undermine anything connected to our fellowship or break anonymity. So my vagueness remains and this is good. There are other traditions which curtail my inclinations to keep the post going. I am happy for people to know about my story not keen to exploit it though. I am merely me in recovery and that keeps me right sized and not ego driven.

Anyways, after Saturday evening and out for a coffee, I did feel more relaxed. And thought sleep would be longer, but as the last two nights demonstrate, insomnia is persistent and ever present. After writing the last post in the early hours, it was time to get ready and go out for my usual early meeting on Sunday morning, it’s the closest I have ever got to meetings which can be a bit God related and regular.

I have no argument with belief per se, but have not and still remain open on the question of a higher power associated with a deity and anything organised makes me very cautious, my Dad helped me be this way and he was the nearest thing to a deity in my younger days. And he was snuffed out early in his life as I have said, he never made it to recovery and an opportunity to see the world as it really is. So the God connection has always been difficult.

In AA though and its been around about seventy years, the founders were clearly quite religious and weaved God into the fabric of what they saw as recovery. Yet as time has shown there is no need to be religious or a believer in God to be part of AA or indeed get the recovery programme. AA is quite secular in its approach, but a belief in a higher power helps make sense of everything. And quite honestly I have always believed in powers higher than me, more in terms of mankind and humanity as a collective society and community. In the sense of the accumulated wisdom we have about is more than me and will always be so. And a higher power than me? In most things yes, as a deity in the traditional sense, I keep my mind open. At the same time I have always felt powers greater than me exist in wisdom and conscience.

Why am I going on about this? Well in our steps to recovery there is the second step of twelve, It reads as "Came to Believe That a Power Greater Than Ourselves Could Restore Us to Sanity." Now this is where we get a bit controversial and we can become bamboozled by our intellect and our belief systems.

Sunday Morning - The Gift

Anyway this Sunday morning at my usual hang out, we are there and it’s a free choice what we talk about. And someone suggests we talk about Came to believe… that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. This sort of got the vote although there was another topic not dissimilar. Anyway the person who suggests it then shares their feelings and thoughts on the subject.

I could feel half the meeting starting to twitch a bit, and definitely maybe turning off the next bit and probably wishing they might have stayed in bed. As it usually means someone has their pet take on what a higher power is and all that, and the God thing comes up and with all our fellows from all over there is no one strong belief or set pattern. And God usually wins the argument in all these discussions because no one wants to be that controversial about others beliefs and also don’t want to discuss their own views, because we are in England and we are reserved about our beliefs anyway.

But our speaker starts to share and its not really about God, or it sort of is, and not. Anyway its about a higher power. Something greater than we are. And most people will agree, the knowledge and experience in our fellowship is vastly superior than one ex drunk trying to make sense and trying to stay sober on their own. So we have some common ground, AA is like a University for people graduating into sobriety. that’s the good news. And the bad news, or really good news is we never graduate, because its just a day long programme and we never have a day off, or get recovered, we just make sure we don’t chuck in the towel and get spangled all over again.

Then as I was listening, half to what was being said and surveying the members for people I know. Yes I am always curious to see regulars and who is missing, missing people are either on holiday, or it could be worse, but the newcomers I know are here so that’s good. Except one, that’s bad.

The gift

So I settle and listen, and the speaker is apologising for woolly thoughts as they had not really been prepared to speak and their coffee fix had not kicked in. They shared about the came to believe in a power greater than themselves, and it was lovely to be restored back to sanity. And in their eyes that was a gift received. A gift…

Hmm, I was curious how this was developing. And so were my fellows. A gift to be restored back to sanity from a power greater than me. Now that I knew was true. I know, and knew I was a straight down the line drunk alcoholic on my way out and had no resources left to get out of my addiction. And my addiction was so complete, it had taken away my will, my spirit, my emotional insides and was proceeding to rot my physical being as well, and my number was up.

Without the fellowship then, I was done for. And so I did and do believe in power greater than me to keep me sober a day at a time. And in this way the second step of AA is "Easy Peasy Lemon Squeezy". But we do make things complicated generally and God is part of it for some. The fellowship of all our fellows knows more than me, and so is a higher power and body of knowledge and wisdom is AA. End of? Yes indeedy. For me..

But, we are all argumentative ex drunks with our own opinions. We are all like the Vicki Pollard character in "Little Britain", we all say "Yes, but no, but yes." and our feelings keep shifting and thinking is as mature as the character or when we got used to our drinking habits. So we can all kick off a bit. Anyway we keep working it out like her sometimes and I can see this in me and others. Sorry others..

So this ultimate gift of restored sanity, a day at a time only. Smiles here because our speaker shared how we get so blinking fed up, having then to live without drink or drugs, we forget the gift as soon as we have it.

And then this thing of gifts we get in life took on a whole different feeling as our speaker explained it a bit more fully. Sometimes we don’t like the gift we get and we can be sullen and a bit peeved. But generally in life we do and have so many gifts from nature itself, we might be very thankful for all of them. And to be resentful of the gift of living at all, well there are some if not all of us who would have readily given up living and how things had become before we got our sanity back, a day at a time.

And this touched me actually. Because as our sharer was explaining, when we work out the difference between what we need to live life, and then all the wants we put on top, we forget the basic needs of life make it worth living, and the wants make us unhappy, because we never have enough of them! Flipping true I thought and have done for ages.

So I was starting to feel pretty content. But others were quite provoked by circumstances.

New to sobriety, we are very sensitive and still craving and the world is horrid. Old to sobriety and the world shows us what we need, and our wants have become burdens again, because we want more! Like a good job, a car, a partner, a better life for the effort we have put in to making life good again. And we forget basics are pretty glorious if our attitude is right. And a good holiday, a high definition TV, a better computer, a lover, for my spots to go, for more hair, for a luxury hamper from Harrods! All our wants are burdens, and generally our needs are met.

So we can see the gift of sobriety is a bloody good one to have, for we can cover our needs generally and its our wants that trip us up. Especially if we live round here where wealth is abundant and we are poor. Smiles, I am glad I don’t feel much desire above needs these days, or life would be horrid.

But others like me have other health issues, and some shared their story. That having been in recovery quite long time, we still get ill and other diseases like other ordinary people. So when we have this gift of sobriety, which then means we get ill like ordinary people, the struggle seems so much harder to bear, without resorting back to a drink to take away reality again.

And it is a real issue for me, when I was diagnosed with diabetes, I was wondering if I’d want a drink. Or to drink and let go living. But actually what happened to me was different. I had spent so much time learning recovery from alcohol, that when I was really ill last year and losing my grip, I was relieved to find out it was diabetes, so drink was not really ever on my agenda. In fact it was just wondering how to learn to do injections and measure blood sugar and work out a diet plan which made me worried.

So most were in agreement with the gift of sobriety and more angry with the gift of life offering up more diseases and stuff. And I had to ask myself what I felt about being diabetic, and having clinical depression too. Well yesterday and now, I seem to accept my situation on a daily basis. And don’t get more distressed than the conditions evoke.

I got to share about the gift

Yes I got to share in the Sunday meeting, I had no intention. But for some reason I needed to say I felt that the gift thing was a great topic, because I understood it! And life is a gift, absolutely. And felt the topic was very apt to my situation, because I can look back and be very unhappy to have lost a lot of things, including some of my abilities, mental and physical. But as I said, I still have a heartbeat, and I still breathe, and I can still smell the coffee from Brazil, smiles here. And appreciate beauty, nature, something in the day when depression allows for it. Its all still doable, with certain disabilities which I accept.

Others were happy or not so happy

Some are as happy to be here as me. But some have had the life knocked out again by other things and other ill health. And some had felt that they had been let down by their belief in their higher power. As God is brought back into this discussion, there was some unhelpful and certainly some anger at being singled out for more pain and distress.

Resentment at having struggled back to life only to be pulled down again made for resentful times. And that was enough for some to contemplate drinking again. I can understand the frustration and yet I accept my lot. Simply because I have had extra time added to my life, and truly it was over before recovery.

Anyway overall I really felt that the meeting had made me see the gift of sobriety, a gift beyond my wildest dreams when I faced certain death from my illness. I guess we either get to acceptance or get to resent. And I feel relieved I have got to acceptance so far. But if they had caught me last week when my world imploded and the assessments on my health had been done, I can endorse a feeling of deep resentment and upset which would have made me unreceptive to the idea of the gift of life at all. In fact I shared my words with the speaker and said if they had suggested the notion of gifts to me last week I would have told them where to go.

And also that things change daily, and now I could hear and see the gift of living again, and hear their words, when last week they would have been lost. Our minds, our feelings go through this process, and we get acceptance if we are lucky.

So this notion of coming to believe in a power greater than us, it changes daily, and it changes as we understand living with what we have to contend with. We do make peace if and when we accept our lot.

So my power has never been as great as other higher powers definitely exist, like AA, or the local council, or the NHS, or to an extent government, or all sorts of things, oh and women of course often appear to be higher powers than me, smiles.

But for some they do include their belief in God as the higher power, they can be resentful to he, she or it, which has given them another thing to sort out, or be made really ill over again. And resenting God means often we resent what we are and nature itself. So it’s a big issue for any of us.

Someone had cancer, and was in remission, and more stories of recovery and belief came out as we chatted, and then the hour was up and we all went our separate ways. Some happy, some less than happy, me quite relieved I could see this gift and had come to believe in higher powers than me!

As to God, I need not debate it, I believe in good conscience, that by nature good conscience prevails and develops in humanity. Good conscience, it may seem far away sometimes, it is however, ever present in all of us and restores us to sanity if we are inclined and able.

I went Home and my dogs were definitely barking!

"my dogs are barking" in 1920 speak translates to "my feet arehurting" in 2002 speak"

Its good use slang for some things, it takes the sting off the reality of some things we have to contend with. Which reminds me, I seem to have mislaid my libido of late, I am assured I will find again according to the higher powers at the clinic, but it would be nice to locate it sooner rather than later. I have to smile or I’d be a bit crushed methinks. The good news is the higher powers suggest there are always way to restore that too. For now though sanity will do!

There is more but I feel its already a long missive, so I’ll leave it for now. My evening meeting was very revealing and very cathartic, all about anger we men and women get about life and stuff. It was a human perspective on anger, shared so well by everyone. It was about anger in ordinary life and nothing to do with anger and recovery, as if there is much difference? It would take as much space to write again, another time …

I felt better connected and went home...

We learn as we can just one day at a time…

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AA Official Online Site: Daily Reflections

AA Official Online Site: Big Book And Twelve And Twelve

-/-

Step 8 "Step Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all." "n other words, who have you harmed? You will recall from our discussion of Steps 4 and 5, that a preliminary list of persons we had harmed is generated there. The list will now be refined into a personal amendment plan, which is the product of Step 8."Although this step requires plenty of work, there is nothing frightening in it. Amends are not actually made in Step 8. Instead, we plan for the making of amends in Step 9, which follows. Harm is: injury, hurt, damage, misfortune, grief, pain, sorrow, evil, wrong or wickedness. Have we brought about any of these in the lives of others? The Big Book and the 12&12 also are quite specific about harm." BB Bunch

August Video Reading Step Eight Into Action Link:

Step Eight Reading

“How It Works” Reading Video Link:

Chapter Five How Fellowship And Recovery Works

“Into Action" Reading Video Link:

Chapter Six Into Action

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I do not speak for Alcoholics Anonymous I speak for myself. Alcoholics Anonymous is a fellowship of unique and authentic people who speak for themselves where they will to share experience, strength and hope about recovery on a daily basis. Anonymity affords sanctuary to find how to live sober and be open, honest and willing to learn life day by day. For me "truth," "love" and "wisdom" offer the best spiritual experience by living reality today. Into the fabric of recovery from alcoholism are woven the Twelve Steps and the Traditions: steps to be open, honest and willing to learn, traditions to live unity, service and recovery.

-/-

Spiritual principles ~ Forgiveness Acceptance Surrender Faith Open-mindedness Honesty Willingness Moral-inventory Amends Humility Persistence Spiritual-growth Service

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