Alcoholics Anonymous Videos | DonInLondon

Alcoholics Anonymous Blog & Video | Feb 3 2004 - 2014 | DonInLondon | Step 2 "Sanity"

February 3 Video

DonInLondon February 3, 2014: I was in two minds whether to go to the meeting this morning, I am still suffering physically from whatever it is that impairs my nerves, my nerves in my body that is not in my head. And the news today about Philip Seymour Hoffman, the horror and the ugliness of his death. When people are venerated, when people are seen to have talents which evoke great emotional and spiritual connections to allow people to feel something in life and in fantasy, often people pay a heavy toll. Extreme highs and extreme lows caused by whatever it might be, very hard to sustain without damage to the soul. A man clean for twenty-three years, and then the tragedy caused by whatever it was, simply being burnt out and no time to recover ever.

Anyway I did go to the meeting this morning, I was going to be late, then all the gates through the park and the gates to the church were locked. I did see the man in the distance unlocking the gates, he was just late like me. I know in the past my head would have gone crazy because this man was late and making me even more late. These days it doesn't matter to me, if I am late, I take my responsibility and not chastise anybody else. And it turned out to be a fantastic meeting. All about step two and being restored to sanity.

How on Earth could I as a stubborn and defiant individual realise that I could not stop the insanity of my drinking on my own? The simple answer? Standing on my own two feet, being a man, it was expected and traditional that I could do the manly thing of conquering everything and anything in my path. Which I did for many a year, a risk taker, willing to change careers, willing to do just about anything with integrity and be good at what I did. And that worked until I blundered into somebody else who didn't have integrity, was a liar, a cheat and tried to cover up vast potential profits in order to capture them later with a management buyout of the company. He had the position and power to crush me and my career, and of course he won the war as I fought the battles, winning with integrity and losing out with exhaustion and being a burnt out case. And this reminds me of Philip Seymour Hoffman, the enormous pressure of fame, it does not make us fortunate, it can often make us hostage to fortune.

I love the people I meet in meetings, people I have known for many years now, people I have known, just for today, and these encounters are wonderful and beautiful. It is not about being in a person’s life because I have anything to offer, sometimes I just admire the men and women around me, learning how to cope with now, the moment of now and understand their feelings and what they need to do just for today. And I learn from everybody, newcomers amaze me in their resilience and being less stubborn than me.

Listening intently, we often feel like sharing and suggesting an answer to people. I was listening to someone who shared about people in their life taking advantage of their good nature, before recovery and now in recovery. The mention of old times and commitments made to people. Whilst we were drunk or disoriented, allowing people to share our space freely and as a result, a financial cost. This always makes me feel quite angry on their behalf. Just because we were under the influence and people took advantage, it does not mean that they can continue to do the same. When they infer, that we have made an arrangement that will cost us money, we do have the right to say that the rules have changed, that they cannot freeload off us anymore. I was very generous back in the day, and I am even more generous today, but not in the same way, I do help and support as I can, but I never give money with conditions, I just give it. If I have it and it seems right. And if I don't have cash I don't give it. I will always give anyone anywhere the time of day, and cherish as best I can.

Step two, and being restored to sanity, twenty-three years of recovery and then Philip Seymour Hoffman could not cope for whatever reason. We will speculate if we fall into the trap of trying to understand what happened, beyond the obvious. Twenty-three good years, rather than an even earlier death, or worse destruction which might have happened in the past. And it is good that we live just for today, that we understand what we can and cannot do and hopefully most of us do ask for help when we cannot cope. Many people today share their sorrow for a man who is only forty-six, or was only forty-six. And the heart wrenching truth for his family. His family did not let him down, and anyone who lives in recovery knows that if we do not ask for help, we are as helpless to help the person who cannot help themselves. And that is the real sadness and loss. We grieve as we do, and as we understand how to grieve today.

When a person slips or relapses and they are in the public gaze, it can be awful to see the truth as it is. I do prefer the truth, and I am sorrowful and sad that a human has lost his life to addiction. At the same time he was accomplished as a human, he had an extra twenty-three years of life which was cherished by those around him. It is not a failure of the man, and it is not a failure of fellowship and what it can do to help a person, and it is not a failure of family, it is just the reality of now. If I were to achieve twenty-three years of sobriety, that would represent a huge success in my life. I have a long way to go to be that length of time sober, I hope I get there, and with fellowship and family and friends across the world, I will keep going one day at a time. Lots of love to the family and friends of Philip Seymour Hoffman.

DonInLondon 2004 - 2013

Alcoholics Anonymous | February 3 2013 | AA 12 Steps In Action | Step 2 "Sanity" | "timely reminders of the old insanity, doing the same things over and over again and expecting a different result." Step two, all about restoration to sanity contingent on the day I ask for help. And this also applies when I'm asked to help with matters of a past professional nature. Sometimes, just because I may have the ability to do something, it would be madness to go back into the old life, and revisit my own insanity…

In my life, growing up was difficult and we do not know any better than a life we have. What seems ordinary to some of those who grow up in fear, hiding and isolation and not feeling right, that was my ordinary. Never comfortable, always fearful. And I didn't know that this was out of the ordinary. If we don't know any better, other than other kids seem to be okay with life as it unfolds, why did I just feel wrong most of the time? The answer was that life is not only difficult, most of the time it was horrible because I didn't understand it, and I did not understand life… The good news? I became a chameleon, I could be what you wanted me to be, and I suffered many trials and tribulations. Perversely, it made be good at helping other people later on in life…

A friend asks for help, and I try and I see the possibilities of how to help. And then, the old possibilities impact on today, and I see the new possibilities in a really good endeavour initiated by my friend. Within hours, my head begins to swell with all sorts of ideas and possibilities connected to the project of my friend. Almost like my head is firing up and seeing a clear strategy and vision for the project, and how to put it into action. Project management skills, almost like booting a computer, everything starts to work again, in my head that is. Sleeplessness and the nightmares of old times pervade. And there is no peace and serenity inside me, going back to the old life and what happened and the ending of a career, I realise, knowing I can do something with my thinking, takes no account of the impact on my emotional and spiritual being. Emotionally, reminded of the bad times, breakdowns and psychosis caused by PTSD, I had to stop, endorse the project and let it go quickly if I want to keep my sanity…

I don't like to say no to things, especially in areas where I have a connection and a willingness to want to be involved. And then realise that the involvement stirs up old events from years past. Just because I can do something in the short term, I know where it leads long-term, back into the insanity of the old life. And this is very disturbing, because who wants to let anyone down, when they see you may have a skill and an aptitude to do something with them? It really does come down to revisiting enough of the madness in my case, my personal madness in trying to do something from the old life which hurts me. And it reminds me, a gentle and emphatic no is better than a half-hearted yes...

Being restored to sanity, is contingent on my spiritual condition, and that is always on a daily basis and requires me to understand my emotional and spiritual state. It was disturbing to understand just how quickly the old life will impact again and to continue to help in a new endeavour which is really worthwhile and worthy of success, it puts me back into the old life, and I must not. I have to say to myself that I need say no to me, my feelings out of whack, my thinking and ego suggesting I can do this. And yet there are the nightmares, or sleeplessness and disturbance. The fault is mine, wanting to be helpful and the best way to be helpful is to say no. I take on responsibility for that which is not mine to be responsible for and that really buggers up my head. Sanity is keeping to the new path, doing new things, and being involved in new enterprise and endeavour. Not going back to the familiar. And that is somewhat hard and difficult when the mind engages and I could see the possibilities…

Anyway it was a timely reminder of step two. For me, doing the same things over and over again and expecting a different result is mad. For me to do the old stuff, it has to be a firm no, or the personal demons of the past come back to haunt me. Odd really, sometimes I need these reminders, is not a punishment, a couple of days of disturbance and a long discussion with another friend restores me to a position of understanding what I can and cannot do. Daily, the can do and cannot do is really important, it is so tempting to think I can do something. And emotionally, the knowledge is profound, I cannot do that something without going mad again. It would not be drink, it would be a return to a life which either rejected me, or in some way I rejected it by having a complete breakdown mentally. Thank God for friends, those who invited us to try out something, and friends who challenge and ask why on Earth would I want to go backwards into the old life? Simply, I cannot or I lose my emotional and spiritual peace and serenity, not just for one day, it could be a lifetime…

Alcoholics Anonymous | February 3 2012 | AA 12 Steps In Action | Step 2 | 2012 | Today's AA daily reflections: "filling the void" strikes me on many levels in recovery. The amount of time I spent drinking in those last dark days left no room for me let alone anyone else. I became a 24 seven drinker. When I stopped, the immense gap and emptiness felt like a minute was an hour, an hour felt like a day and a week felt like a year-long. As time has passed, I never seem to have enough time to do all the things that are possible today. From the dark and loneliness and isolation and emptiness, to a life full of possibilities and simply to be lived one day at a time…

Another question raised, "do I now believe or am I willing to believe that there is a power greater than me?" And I can answer honestly on two levels, the first is simply there are many powers greater than me in the real world today. And higher power comes in the form of wisdom from any human source on the planet about anything and everything. And with regard to a metaphysical higher power, some call "God" is whatever anyone chooses to believe. No one needs to be challenged on their faith and belief. I for one am happy with the word God and see a connection to a collective higher consciousness we can access together or as individuals through our own conscience. I learn more just for today…

How am I feeling today? Why? What can I do? Questions I ask myself at any time of day, and in particular when I wake up in the morning. Asking myself first thing in the morning, "how am I feeling?" Knowing my mood and how I wake up influences how I start to think and act for the rest of the day. If I wake up happy, I'm likely to think happy and behave happily. If I wake up feeling fearful, I'm likely to think and act fearfully. Sometimes I wake up excited, happy and fearful in the moment and when that happens I usually ask for help from whatever source is handy. I can appeal to God, conscience and then most likely make a call, get in touch with another human being for support and encouragement to start my day…

Step two is all about opening up to asking the help from any source where there is wisdom. Support comes in the form of learning that others will take the time and be supportive if we ask. And in asking it is a request and not a demand. And the beauty of asking for help is that others will ask us for help too. We become part of something bigger than us, opening the door to fellowship: Unity, service and recovery and then the same in our community and living. These steps work if we work at living them in the moment of now and just for today…

"Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity"

DonInLondon 2005-2011

Newcomers "Joys Of Recovery" I was there! Seeing newcomers and chips, I am amazed for each sober day a newcomer lives. Reminds me I need never take the gift of "sober today" for granted. Freedom to choose sanity, make best choices and madness an arm’s length away, cherish always

When we can stop the cycle of harming ourselves and blaming, we stop harming and blaming others, peace in the moment is freedom ~ Wayne Dyer "A mind at peace, a mind cantered and not focused on harming others, is stronger than any physical force in the universe." -/- Sanity restored daily as experience develops...

AA Daily: FILLING THE VOID ~ FEBRUARY 3, We needed to ask ourselves but one short question. “Do I now believe, or am I even willing to believe, that there is a Power greater than myself?” As soon as a man can say that he does believe, or is willing to believe, we emphatically assure him that he is on his way. ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p. 47

I was always fascinated with the study of scientific principles. I was emotionally and physically distant from people while I pursued Absolute Knowledge. God and spirituality were meaningless academic exercises. I was a modern man of science, knowledge was my Higher Power. Given the right set of equations, life was merely another problem to solve. Yet my inner self was dying from my outer man’s solution to life’s problems and the solution was alcohol. In spite of my intelligence, alcohol became my Higher Power. It was through the unconditional love which emanated from A.A. people and meetings that I was able to discard alcohol as my Higher Power. The great void was filled. I was no longer lonely and apart from life. I had found a true power greater than myself, I had found God’s love. There is only one equation which really matters to me now: God is in A.A.

And step two, I now realise that just for today a higher power can restore me to sanity. How so? When I have a problem, usually it happens when I cannot see a solution or there are so many blocks to resolution I get angry, frustrated and depressed. A surge of anger is not helpful. My higher power: another person, a group of people, a source of knowledge and wisdom…

I do believe that there are powers greater than me, "higher power wisdom" all around me and better I find help rather than drive myself mad trying to work it out alone. However you describe your higher power, it is what works for you in the moment and just for today…

We all use the word God, as believers, as atheists and agnostics. And wherever you fit in the spectrum of belief, non-belief or simply don't know, we all have an inner voice of conscious conscience. That inner voice: of conscience and disturbance and even serenity is a lifelong companion. Usually and most often the inner voice is all about our emotional state, how we are feeling in the moment of now…

Our "fellowship" is not religious by nature; many in fellowship have religious beliefs and choose God as their higher power. And many simply follow what works for them. There is a phrase, "we don't know what we don't know" and we can only find out as we continue to live sober just for today…

Always "just for today" means we keep on learning who we are, what we are and where we are in the moment of now. There is no need for rigorous certainty, we learn our freedoms and choices as we live, what we can do and cannot do, and the wisdom comes as life evolves…

DonInLondon 2005-2011

Fear of anything we may imagine is often greater than fear in reality, leaning on fellowship, we develop courage as we learn and share our truth ~ Maya Angelou "History, despite its wrenching pain, cannot be unlived, but if faced with courage, need not be lived again." -/- Fear is part of living...

AA Daily: GOAL: SANITY FEBRUARY 1, step two gently and very gradually began to infiltrate my life. I can’t say upon what occasion or on what day I came to believe in a power greater than myself, but I certainly have that belief now. TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 27

“Came to believe!” I gave lip service to my belief when I felt like it or when I thought it would look good. I didn’t really trust God. I didn’t believe He cared for me. I kept trying to change things I couldn’t change. Gradually, in disgust, I began to turn it all over, saying: “You’re so omnipotent, you take care of it.” He did. I began to receive answers to my deepest problems, sometimes at the most unusual times: driving to work, eating lunch, or when I was sound asleep. I realized that I hadn’t thought of those solutions-a Power greater than I had given them to me. I came to believe.

Step Two Video 12 And 12