Alcoholics Anonymous Videos | DonInLondon

Alcoholics Anonymous Blog & Video | Jan 29 2004 - 2014 | DonInLondon | Step 1 "Powerless"

January 29 Video

DonInLondon January 29, 2014: our meeting this morning was all about gratitude. And it can be very difficult to have an attitude of gratitude, like a Buddhist might have. That we are still alive, that we need to adjust ourselves to the current conditions today and be grateful we can adjust to the current conditions. And sometimes the truth feels wrong and the truth feels like we have lost something. And the truth is very often we have lost something emotionally or physically and how we are now, is really where the gratitude can come into play. If we have high expectations of ourselves, with some sort of immunity against reality, we are heading for places of resentment, grief and loss because we cannot cope with the truth of how we are today, always learning under extreme difficulties in many cases.

Sometimes as we listen to the experience strength and hope of other people, either we are listening for the similarities and finding common ground, or we might be looking for the differences and judging the people around us as different and either we see them and look down on them, or we might be looking up to them, hopefully we are just seeing them as equals with equal rights and equal responsibilities to keep sober today. Life can feel like death by a thousand cuts. Or many thousands of cuts as the years go on, if it's not a fatal cut emotionally or physically, we get wounded and we heal. Part of the cutting process of life gives depth and breadth to our experiences and what we learn from them. If life was easy would there be any point? Rich or poor, whatever background, whatever orientation, whatever colour, whatever religious beliefs or just wondering what to believe in, humility to learn is the key. Learning gives opportunity, freedom of choice and many doors open as we close the door on what we cannot do.

Today even though it's raining, cold and I have been up for many hours today ought to be okay. It started well with a good meeting, where there is gratitude for being one day sober through to celebrations of years in sobriety. We all live in the same day, we all live with similar conditions, some good, some bad, some ugly and some disabilities we would rather we didn't have. At the same time, we are all still breathing just about and making sense of what we can and cannot do daily.

And when things aren't working out too well, we may be very upset, after all we are human. Recovery is not about never having a bad day, it is what we do when the day is bad, as much as when the day is good or simply indifferent. We need to understand the feelings we have, not just a happy feelings we can have, all the feelings which are there to help us understand our situation. Putting on a brave face will not help you deal with feelings which are real and based on reality. Coping with reality in the moment of now is absolutely my spiritual core, and my spiritual core cannot cope in the moment with all situations. Which means I often need to ask for help, or I would get stuck and not know what to do. Being stuck: its okay to be stuck, and ask for help and undo the knots of life.

The current conditions of Thursday! A stormy weather beaten, windy, cloudy, rainy and difficult travelling day. A trip down to the medical practice, to get prescriptions for essentials: insulin to keep me alive, another medication to alleviate neuropathy. In the process of doing this, the general practitioner was argumentative, refusing to refill the necessary requirements which have remained the same for the last six years. It took a good deal of persuasion to get these essentials prescribed. I realise now just how corrupting the new regime introduced by the current government is impacting on the professionalism of the National Health Service. From caregivers and professional learners they are becoming accountants and financial managers in conflict with their own Hippocratic oath.

When somebody says to you that they have evidence that things are going well, when things aren't going well generally with regard to the issue, it is a really good idea to ask them for the evidence. When my GP said to me: "most people find this alternative medication just as good as the one you used to have," the likelihood is they are lying to you, because they never ask their other patients and the patients often just accept the change without challenge. Now I realise GPs are quite capable of lying through their teeth. And all because?

When a local authority official might say to you, they have evidence that things are going well, when things aren't generally going well in your experience of your local authority, it is a really good idea to ask them for the evidence. When a local authority official said to me: "most people are satisfied with the service and changes we have made," the likelihood is they are lying to you, because they don't have evidence which reflects the true situation. Now I realise that any local authority official is capable of lying through their teeth. And all because?

If you don't agree with what is going on, in recovery we do learn how to challenge what might be authoritative figures in our lives. The road of recovery is long hopefully, if your medical person is competent and able to do their job. The road of recovery is long hopefully, if your local authority and general maintenance services do not install faulty wiring and leave your home in danger of accident. At the same time, and this is a must, we need to keep our understanding current and real, keep it in the day so we experience the right sized feelings for the reality of now. It is very difficult to write these words without anger and resentment at the general standards in public health, the general standards within local government, when the larger government of the country is lying through its teeth on a daily basis.

What to do when there is conflict? Indeed a difficult question: "does it need be said by me, does it need to be said by me now, do I need to challenge the status quo?" We all have these questions when we feel short changed and undermined by people who lie and by people who have a direct impact on our current conditions today. Anger and resentment get us nowhere because if we lose our cool, with people who have no intention of doing anything, we miss the point. Culpability for the behaviour of people at ground level, is often a reflection of those who hold power in any organisation. With help from others, we can let go the anger and resentment component and start a challenge as we go up organisations to levels of authority where change can be enacted. We don't give up, we let go and find help and ask for help when needed. Although the process may seem a little more challenging, it may be more fruitful as we take others through the pain inflicted by their behaviour on us. Law of the land, integrity, open honest and willing and transparency under the Freedom of information act is always very helpful.

Conflict can make us feel very very volatile. The good news in all of this is our feelings work well and we are in contact with what feelings are meant to do in the moment of now. Human beings are not meant to be passive, human beings are meant to be active emotionally and spiritually. Emotional and spiritual can lead to serenity, peace and tranquillity, only if this is possible given the current conditions today. And in my opinion those involved in public service, often forget they are in fact in public service, rather than in a position to inflict harm on those for which they have a duty of care. Emotional and physical harm is harsh and unpleasant, but it was worth going through because truth will in the end prevail. Don't try do it all on your own! We need to enlist the help of powers far greater than us when needed on a daily basis.

"We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable." Life changes beyond imagination in recovery. We might dream of a return to how we were when drinking without having to have a drink. The truth is when we were drinking, we were the best we could be with drink inside us and influencing our lifestyle to include drink and maintain those happy times, until of course the good times just turned out to be the worst of times day in and day out.

DonInLondon 2004 - 2013

January 29 2013 | AA 12 Steps In Action | Step 1 "Powerless" | Alcoholics Anonymous | "fellowship ~ common ground and personal freedom..." A society of human beings working together in unity, service and recovery. One primary purpose, a desire to stop drinking and help others recover from alcoholism. Developing personal choices, learning the can do of life and the cannot do of life and the wisdom to know the difference. Just for a day and then…

The world is full of people telling others what to do, the world is full of marketing people determining what we ought to be doing and what we ought to be having. The world is full of people telling each other what to do. People, places and things can drive us mad on any given day and make a return to old feelings, attitudes and behaviour very possible because we feel good, we feel bad and we feel the ugly of life. With all these challenges in life where people are telling us what to do, how on earth do we stop doing something so harmful, our lives are lost in oblivion, lost and self-harm and cut short because we cannot stop hurting ourselves? Alone, it feels impossible, but the world tells us we ought to be able to stop harming ourselves. In our fellowship, we recognise that unity around one single issue, keeping sober one day at a time can open the door to a new life of freedom and usefulness… And of course, to determine your choices, and you will learn what your usefulness is…

Every single day, we will feel judged by other people, and by one other in the here and now, the critic inside us which looks to the dark side of what people might be thinking, how we appear and what the world thinks of us. We are our own worst enemy when it comes to judgement. In my case I was never satisfied with my own situation, and felt I could do better. "Could do better," was something to be found on a school report, a college report, a work performance review and I wrote it, whilst others judging me might be quite favourable, I was always concerned to improve. In fellowship, unity, service and recovery is about progress one day at a time. And it's more than that, it is acceptance of the truth of now, and in the truth of now, nothing is absolutely perfect, the best it can be is imperfectly perfect, in the ever present, present moment of now…

Just because we say or I say fellowship is about common ground does not make it so. And although the traditions of the fellowship are quite clear, they are suggestions and they take account of imperfectly perfect people trying to get well today. Everything is about now, what we can do and what we cannot do, and learning the wisdom to know the difference. Fellowship is imperfectly perfect, absolutely fantastic principles which would make any society robust and efficient in keeping people sober. Newcomers find out quite quickly that the fellowship is only as good as the people we are with today, and a lot of people can be good, bad and ugly, almost in the same moment. People react to experience, strength and hope in different ways, sometimes unable to contain themselves because of the humour, sometimes unable to contain themselves because of sadness and sometimes it just appears completely anarchic and mad because we all get mad now and again, and just for today… As we learn what common ground is, and not about telling each other. We are on common ground, sometimes level, sometimes uneven, and sometimes it can be despicable in the moment when people start telling each other what to do in moments of insanity, which can last for days in our heads… If people start telling you what to do, we have many options, the best option? Keep your side of the Street clean, and try not to tell others to fuck off and mind their own business, because eventually with good fortune they will return to their side of the Street of their own accord…

I can feel like I am being driven to distraction. Sometimes the world is just unfair, I find it hard to cope and I just don't know what to do with myself. Usually it is a reaction to my powerlessness over the big events in the world, and less often to do with my own personal situation which becomes manageable contingent on my spiritual condition. Spiritual condition, the ability to cope with what is going on and my feelings fit reality, or simply, feeling okay just now. When I cannot cope with my own situation, the beauty of fellowship is continuous, the more often I am in the company of people in recovery, utilising the twelve step principles to resolve life in the moment and find solutions, the more able I am to cope, as I keep on learning living skills through the experience, strength and hope of others around me today…

Early days. I need a fix! No I don't! Yes I do! If only the world understood me and my needs, and realised I was right all the time! Me me me! I want it now! All addictive signs of trying to fix myself. IMPATIENT indeed. When people said in fellowship, "slow down and take it easy," they had no idea how fast I wanted to progress and show the world how sober I was and perfectly able to cope… Learning to get back into the present moment, deal with my issues and problems, find help in the solutions meant it was going to be a hard slog, until I stopped looking over my shoulder for the person who would shoot me down in flames. There was no person looking over my shoulder, simply the fear in me and the critic in me ready to pull me down and make a slip, a relapse or the deathly decision to return to drink. When my mind, my feelings don't feel right, I know it's time to make sure I am attending regular meetings of fellowship, where the answers can be easier and sooner rather than later, and often for many, too late if we are driven back into insanity…

The end of fixing, the start of living in the moment. Living in the moment is going to happen. And life is to be experienced in the moment and continues, there is no end until the obvious end, and an intervention can help anyone anywhere find their way back to sanity with the right help in the right place at the right time. Interventions, for example, medical and professional can help us admit and accept the emotional and spiritual madness of addiction. And yet as individuals we can find denial most helpful, after all, who wants to lose their best friend in life, even if it is a substance? It takes away the pain and then creates the pain, it takes away the problems and then makes more problems, it takes away reality and then there is no reality, it takes away our essence, love, and then there is no love… How on Earth could we have been persuaded that addiction takes away everything? Because when we are addicted everything goes and then there is nothing, and then surprisingly, with the right help, there is nothing to lose…

Common ground, based on unconditional love, when the fellowship may not really have many within who understand and live unconditional love… We get a taste of love, and find no conditions. And we are suspicious of these righteous people? Until we realise we are simply people making progress, that unconditional love towards other people is part of learning how to love yourself enough, understanding the principles of unity and service, in early days, recovery makes little sense. Only when we say to ourselves, why not be a part of this fellowship rather than an observer or tourist do we start to understand, that it is okay to be empty and desolate and desperate, that it is okay to live through painful times, and find level and balanced moments happening, that something starts to make sense in the moment of now. And out of a complete breakdown in emotional living, broken to pieces, the fragments can start form again inside, and in a different way and that is why in fellowship, asking for help is so critical to learning life again. And the word humility can sound grandiose, all it means is why not try to learn again? And that is the hard part, having to change our outlook and have the courage to change almost minutely and impossibly one day at a time. Courage to change, faith in doing the next right thing, and gently building confidence that life can be lived again. Some people call this a psychic change, and depending on your belief system and your opinions, you will find a scientific, common sense and some form of understanding about what is spiritual in every moment...

I came to the conclusion that "truth, love and wisdom in the moment of now," that is the basis on which to make decisions. My spiritual condition is the way I am in this moment of now. And being able to cope with what is going on is courtesy of recovery and fellowship, giving me back my freedom to know what I can do and cannot do today. No longer chained to a substance, no longer chained to notions about how to be with people, places and things based on old life. The new life is freedom to choose to live sober first and then anything can happen with people, places and things as the possibilities happen moment to moment. And fellowship? Full of good people sometimes behaving badly, full of bad people sometimes behaving well, timid people, loud people, mad people, restored to sanity momentarily, and then often for a whole day? Not often, because any of us can be driven mad as hell on any given day by events, and we can live through that madness and get back to sober outlooks far faster with our friends in fellowship one day at a time… Practical wisdom is a kinda magic today…

January 29 2012 | Daily Reflection | Today's AA daily reflection: "the Joy of sharing" is all about life taking on new meaning. So many new questions in recovery and at the beginning no answers, and often many assumptions by all. The first question, what am I going to do now with all this time? Still in the grip of fear and out of sorts with everything, fear of the unknown can grip. When an old-timer may say "take it easy" it seems like they have no clue what goes on for the newcomer, they do because they are listening to you. Taking it easy means listening and trying to understand as we emerge from the darkest of days…

The shock of being included again, hearing people share their experience, strength and hope with each other is a dramatic turnaround. From isolation and hiding, to knowing it is okay to share the worst of times so we can move on to the best of times, and hear about "new times" from others starts a way of life living one day to time. As we start to learn from our history and stop fearing our future, recovery life is all about our emotional and spiritual condition now. Knowing our feelings fit with reality and we can cope, the best of times is whatever the feelings may be good or catastrophic, whatever the pressure, feelings fit with the moment of now. And we really can cope as we ask for help today…

We are making day by day progress, by sharing experience strength and hope with newcomers becomes essential to understanding our own recovery, and continually sharing how recovery works. And as each newcomer soon realises, the experience they have of each day in recovery is essential to share with their fellow newcomers and old-timers. Newcomers and old-timers alike are only as good as they may be when asked for help in any day, and we keep learning and changing as we put into practice whatever useful comes our way…

I can remember the harsh and stark desolation of those final days of drink. The isolation needed, to hide away from everyone and everything was coming to an end. The rattling and tremors subsiding and just able to get to a meeting and almost hold a cup of tea and munch on a biscuit. It took a few days to realise I was not in the spotlight and no one was looking at me other than to offer help… And "the Joy of sharing" took quite a while for me…

Many discussions about love come my way, from what is love to how can I possibly love myself, to if I am attracted to a person will I fall in love? All good questions and no answers. One critical factor about unconditional love means that we don't put conditions on ourselves about loving ourselves, and if we are wondering if we can fall in love with another person, or we want to, how on earth can this happen? All good questions with no answers…

Attraction and not promotion? This is what we know in recovery in our fellowship, attraction is what you see is what you get. Promotion, a bit like a profile on a web dating site is relating the best and not the worst, or quite the truth of who we are. Fellowship cannot fix through promotion, and when it comes to love and learning about others who we may be attracted to us by what we see may be not quite what we get. Many questions and no answers and often many assumptions…

The truth of love is? So many questions and no answers and so many assumptions. Relationships, we feel a need for them and we feel better in them? The first relationship to find is the one with ourselves where we ask the questions and find out the answers day by day. And as our relationships grow with others, the unanswered questions start to be answered, in the moment when we ask and as we develop as people, in relationships and family and community and society today. The question asked directly to the person in the moment of now offers an answer immediately in the moment of now. Sometimes things work out sometimes they don't, better to know now and not be lost in dream or fantasy without reality. And always in reality today, we find the key…

DonInLondon 2005-2011

I have found that when I let go trying to manage outcomes and let outcomes emerge life is bigger than my imagination and bigger than anything I can control. When I narrow my focus, my world becomes small. When I broaden my outlook, more choice and more freedom, opportunity knocks today...

Spiritual, simply is being in the moment, experiencing 'now'...Voltaire "What then do you call your soul? What idea have you of it? You cannot of yourselves, without revelation, admit the existence within you of anything but a power unknown to you of feeling and thinking."

-/-

AA Daily: THE JOY OF SHARING ~ JANUARY 29, life will take on new meaning. To watch people recover, to see them help others, to watch loneliness vanish, to see a fellowship grow up about you. to have a host of friends - this is an experience you must not miss. We know you will not want to miss it. Frequent contact with newcomers and with each other is the bright spot of our lives. ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS , p. 89

To know that each newcomer with whom I share has the opportunity to experience the relief that I have found in this Fellowship fills me with joy and gratitude. I feel that all the things described in A.A. will come to pass for them, as they have for me, if they seize the opportunity and embrace the program fully.

-/-

Step One Video 12 & 12