Alcoholics Anonymous Videos | DonInLondon

Alcoholics Anonymous Blog & Video | Jan 26 2004 - 2014 | DonInLondon | Step 1 "Powerless"

January 26 Video

DonInLondon January 26, 2014: it has been a good afternoon, chatting away and being happy. Applying a little massage to the feet of my loved one. And she loves it! And then chiselling off half a ton of dead skin (slight exaggeration there) followed by a cup of tea. As we are both in recovery, we do talk about the principles, the steps, how to continue to be open honest and willing to change. And sometimes "progress not perfect" seems the best it can be in the moment of now. All very good for a rainy Sunday.

Every day seems like a learning day with this open honest and willing outlook. And no matter how long we have been in recovery, years in fact, some situations still baffle and cause old memories to rise up and confound. And that is life. Providing we don't try do everything on our own, then life is always open to the positive, even when it feels very negative on our own. Supporting each other in recovery is jolly good news. And learning about unconditional love moment by moment is something to be cherished as we learn life as we go.

Yesterday's meeting was vibrant and very big, and it was easy to see the good news that people shared. At the same time, the issue of personal conduct by some had left a number feeling very unhappy. We do try to keep groups and meetings safe with our traditions, and for the most part, most of the time this works. But there will be people who are emotionally challenged and they can cause great upset by their physical presence and their threatening behaviour. My outlook is very simple, we live in a society where there are rules and laws which all people in the land must observe. And if people find themselves on the wrong side of the law in their behaviour, then appropriate action need be taken by authorities outside Fellowship. Just a personal view, I do not feel able to represent law and order, when law and order has been broken by others.

The good news in our meeting was a discussion of the good, tolerance and love, helping each other find a path to free choices and reality. Reality, yes reality can be very unhelpful because in reality we have to start from scratch very often in recovery. And for me as an individual, rock bottom was as bad as it could get without being dead, at least it felt that way for me. And then out of the fear, the pride and ego of downfall, I needed to be let go and make space for some courage to change, faith in doing the next right thing and confidence to try find a way to live. And it did take time, and I was very angry with myself, and I found it very difficult to cope in those early days. Which is why in the end, coming out of isolation and into a Fellowship was certainly the right path for myself.

Anyway, today is good, I am now alone. And writing a few words, helps me appreciate and have gratitude in the truest of senses. Alive, breathing, physically okay. Emotionally happy and content. And with the silly hours I keep because I can, I can rest easy for a little while without concerns about anything. And I do feel that "serenity prayer," serenity is not something that can be sustained under all conditions alone, serenity and peace of mind happens with help and support, challenge when needed from friends who know me and understand what is going on. Can do, cannot do and wisdom to know the difference is learned in the moment of now. I don't feel you can bank recovery or serenity, it is available under the current conditions today, and our own personal conditions of living in the moment. And it can change to the opposite in the blink of an eye, because current conditions change and that's why we need twelve steps to help us on our way.

January Step One Month: "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable." My number one fear, followed by a thousand fears, was that I couldn't possibly give up drinking at all. I had my moment of clarity, it was a simple moment of clarity, and on my own I could not stop drinking. I did admit and accept the truth of my situation… It was like saying to myself, "yes but no, yes but no, yes but no, this I cannot do." Truth took a long while to stick and then I surrendered to the truth and do so every day.

DonInLondon 2004 - 2013

January 26 2013 | AA 12 Steps In Action | Step 1 "Powerless" | Alcoholics Anonymous | "here it comes... your daily nervous breakdown" the Rolling Stones, nineteenth nervous breakdown! When I had a nervous breakdown, or whatever it might be called today, I asked a professor of psychiatry what to do to explain the break in my employment on my curriculum vitae. His suggestion, was to lie through my teeth, or there would be no return to my successful career… He did assume that I wanted my career back, and that would put me back on track with the world and myself…

I don't know why I thought it might be a good idea to lie about a mental health condition which had rendered me useless, not able to look after myself, not able to work and not able to make sense of anything in the world. After all, it was a nervous breakdown, and when a person is in a nervous breakdown, the strong desire is not to be here on the planet any more, or was in my case. And then to try and pretend that the nervous breakdown had not happened, in order to secure work again, it might seem like the only sensible thing to do, if I were able to do those jobs again, but there was no chance of being capable or able to go back to the old way of life. I was broken, and I realised a return to the old ways was my desire, and my ambition, but there was no way to replicate and restart. I had broken down and could not function in that type of work again. I was twisting in an emotional panic, no clue what to do, pretend or die, pretend and die, or just try and understand the truth and live… Admit and accept the truth and live. It only took seven years to admit and accept the truth, and those dark years, were profoundly good, bad and when it was ugly, it was truly desolate…

Looking back, a daily nervous breakdown, or simply a breakdown in communication between me and reality does not have to be a life threatening event like it used to be. That one big nervous breakdown, based on heartbreak, based on disappointment in myself, exhaustion at work and no sensation of happiness and joy, all swept away and only bleakness and a voice in my head, which would only reinforce my notion of failure, I was 'failure.' Investing everything in one element of living, my career and work, meant if anything went wrong with work and career, there was nothing left of me. I hope I don't make that mistake again, and writing this I know I won't. I would rather have minor nervous breakdowns on a daily basis, or rather failures in communication, or a breakdown in communication between me and my emotions, me and my thinking, and when the breakdown happens in my internal workings, ask for help, or simply sit with other people in fellowship who may be going through the same experience. Sharing experience, strength and hope of emotional breakdowns in the moment of now, and getting the support of people who understand brings me back to normal a lot faster and trying to do it on my own, in the dark, pretending I know the answers are within me. Unconditional love is a two way street, and when we are having an emotional breakdown, better not to save it up, better to start sharing soonest rather than later, the sooner we admit and accept our situation, the faster solutions may come, there is no guarantee of a solution which we will like, usually though a solution will form. And then we can take action, to have an emotional breakthrough, letting go the shit and heading for the shinola...

Emotional breakdowns happen all the time to everyone. Emotional breakthroughs happen all the time to everyone. It is not about resilience and tenacity, doing the same thing again and again to get to the result, it is about doing different things and adopting different approaches again and again to get to a new result, a breakthrough in how we live, how we cope, how we ask for help, knowing that help may come, usually emotional support is the key. If we ask for help. And how to ask for help? It really does depend on who and what we know. I know in fellowship, there is so much wisdom available if only I knew how to ask. And the simple answer is, share the experience, share your strength in knowing the problem, and share that they may be someone with an answer, or by sharing the truth, being open, honest and willing to change, we stand a chance of hearing something to our advantage. This is generally wisdom in the moment of now…

When a person has been knocked from pillar to post, try to do the right thing all their lives, try to be open, honest and willing, and then finds themselves in a rotten situation, the logical thing to do? Get out of the way and move on. For those who have been taught to stand on their own two feet, put on a brave face and suck up the pain, and cover-up and keep marching on leads to the opportunity for post-traumatic stress disorder. PTSD is a recognised condition in war veterans, and quite rightly help is needed. PTSD of any sort has the same impact and will render a person unable to cope. So back in the day, when it was unfashionable to be emotionally aware, we did keep on going right to the end of the road. Stoicism is not useful when dealing with impossible situations which put people under intense pressure for long periods of time. We are often told that we have to have a career, family, and be responsible. And we all accept this is probably so, and for the stubborn and defiant who will keep on going on to the end of the road, end up in very difficult places, like I did for many a year. Fellowship has taught me that responsibility, accountability, living to the truth of now will stop me faster than believing in stoic ideals of persistence, tenacity and resilience doing the wrong things, the wrong things generally and specifically around people, places and things. Just because you have the skill and tenacity to do something, does not mean that is what you should be doing…

Emotional breakdowns and emotional breakthroughs: keeping them right sized in the moment of now, rather than saving them up to the end of the day, to the end of the week, to the end of the month or to the end of the year. Or just simply trying to suppress the emotional turmoil is usually done with the most freely available self-medication, in my case alcohol. Now there is no alcohol to self-medicate, and with the tool kit of the twelve steps in the fellowship of AA, I do not need alcohol to broker my hold on reality. In reality I face emotional turmoil when life is full of turmoil. Emotional well-being as happens in the moment and in the day. My feelings fit with reality, and I can cope with, or not cope with reality. With humility to ask for help, anything is possible and first and foremost, because I am a learner and willing to ask, willing to be open, willing to be honest, asking for help is a strength and not a weakness today…

Emotionally, how am I feeling? Well, it's still early, and nothing has gone wrong, so far, other than I haven't had time to return all the phone calls and that bugs me a bit. But I hope to catch up as soon as possible. The cold weather is impacting on my bones, and my nerve endings in a very unhelpful way and that life is painful physically. What to do? Accept I can only do so much in one day, that I will do my best to be in touch and connected to those I love. And there has been quite a lot of sadness around, a dear friend and fellow died a few days ago, from being alive and sober, nine years, every day, had been an extra day in living. He was a gentleman and helped many with kind words and practical suggestions, more than anything he offered friendship to anyone with courtesy and humility, one day at a time. What is the difference today? In recovery, we cherish people, and love them unconditionally, we are not superficial or indifferent to each other, we care deeply and profoundly for everyone we know and love today…

Step One Video 12 & 12