Alcoholics Anonymous Videos | DonInLondon

Alcoholics Anonymous Blog & Video | Jan 15 2004 - 2014 | DonInLondon | Step 1 "Powerless" |

January 15 Video

January Step One Month: "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable." Before I became acquainted with the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous, several years before: I had a mental breakdown, was in an anxiety state for over two years and was a burnt out case, in my career, in my own personal life, and still I felt the need and absolute desire to be the person I used to be. That was an impossible ask of myself, to turn back the clock. No wonder alcohol became my best friend and then my worst enemy.

DonInLondon January 15, 2014: so far this week two meetings, an MRI scan and quite a lot of commotion. The commotion is the ups and downs in life, and being sober helps immensely when I understand my feelings in the moment of now. Yesterday the MRI scan: there is a procedure, and I was kept waiting for an extra hour, and the first time the scan was attempted, the special fluid needed had been absorbed and we had start again, so it took almost twice as long as it ought to have been. My mind oscillated, feelings were negative rather than positive, somehow though, rather than be chief critic and inflict unnecessary pain, common sense and gumption led me back to gratitude for having the scan in the first place! And two more next week!

Over the years, in recovery and being sober means I have had quite a few years of extra living, and for this I am immensely grateful. How is it that I was able to cope with news of other chronic conditions? I feel that the Fellowship of AA taught me a lot, and by that I mean the people who I met pretty much every day, who share their experience strength and hope and the truth of living in the moment. And indeed, life is good bad and ugly. Even when it's a bit bad and ugly, when my emotions become negative, if I am aware of what is going on, all I need do is be grateful to be about to deal and cope with adversity. Life is full of happiness and sorrow and we do not know what is going to happen next. I don't fear the future, if today is good enough, and my feelings and outlook settle into reality I am likely to be okay just for today. There is no need to second guess, worry when I cannot change what happens next. Can do, cannot do and wisdom to know the difference.

A couple of decades ago, I was involved in big changes in big organisations, and had to learn how to change to keep these big organisations focused on their business plan for the future. These big changes! Asking human beings to take a leap of faith and start working differently to the old ways. It is very hard for people to change when they fear what is happening. And this is true in anybody's life, we are all in a state of evolution. If we can go with the flow, and cope, all well and good. If we are not coping on a personal level and unable to deal with the truth, we are not coping. Asking for help can be very helpful even when others don't have the answers either. If we realise we are not alone in our concerns, out of the many sharing, there may be answers we may not have considered ever before. Usually we realise we are not the centre of the universe, and there may be common ground and common good to be found by interaction and sharing in the moment of now.

One of the topics which was raised was fear with a cause and fear without any particular focus. Free floating fear can paralyse anyone and stop them asking for help, because we fear we are not good enough and should know the answers. Why should we know the answers? And often we can be controlled and manipulated into fear because of the actions of other people. The good news in Fellowship is that we can work out ways to get out of fear, and get away from people who are unhelpful and unhealthy. Sometimes we are completely in the wrong place at the wrong time. Through time we can plan to get out of Dodge if we need to. And sometimes we just need to get out of whatever we are doing in the moment of now. Can do and cannot do, wisdom in the moment of now.

Emotional and spiritual wellbeing, it starts with step one, to admit and accept the truth of addiction to alcohol, a substance, and certain people in certain places doing certain things. Admitting and accepting the truth is a daily exercise in continuing a journey of change, to the good of living and to the good of others we love, who then may love us back. We can repair a lot in recovery, and then find more useful endeavours which fit with our way of life. Actually what I mean is: you decide your way of life with freedom, the freedom we always had and somehow something or other imprisoned our outlook and our activities. Step one, the truth of powerlessness becomes a strength providing we do not entertain a return to the old way of life. Company and Fellowship help to find a path which suits yourself through your own endeavours, rather than fitting in, pretending to be okay in a lifestyle which kills the spirit, and never feels right in the moment of now.

I was cycling about after my MRI scan, and because the scan, I needed to be home soon to avoid any accidents as the fluids in my body were churning. It was half-light and getting dark, and in the distance I could see a newcomer ambling along, head down, eyes down and a look of bewilderment and loneliness on their face. I could not stop and with regret I had to continue on without a cheerful hello. That made me feel extremely sad. I have been that wandering soul, in the half-light and the half dark as a newcomer, desolate and despondent. Thankfully, they are alive and still connected and still coming to Fellowship. The road of recovery can be the loneliest road of all, and that is why I stick close to Fellowship and listen to the experience strength and hope of others, because it often applies to me and my next actions on a daily basis.

DonInLondon 2013 - 2005

January 15 2013 | AA 12 Steps In Action | Step 1 "Powerless" | Alcoholics Anonymous "Language of The Heart..." We often hear that life will take on new meaning, when we are in meetings of the fellowship. And we start to understand what it is to be in an emotional and spiritual journey of life. We know what our feelings are like never before, we understand what feelings do to our thinking and our actions in the moment. Deconstructing the old ways of life, where ego, fear and putting on a brave face was normal, becomes very irritating in early days. Hiding away and not telling the truth had become our standard and now in recovery, telling the truth and being open, honest and willing to change takes courage one day at a time…

One of my difficulties in early recovery, understanding the ideas in the twelve step program was very easy. I could understand the concepts and think my way through the twelve steps and what they were designed to do, simply to give me my freedom back. But I was looking for a fast track in recovery, I wanted to speed up recovery and prove to the world what a clever man I was. Certainly I was clever, and intelligent and for long time able to make a living very well. But when it came to the real meaning of life, I was withdrawn, hidden and very good at hiding away and not dealing with feelings. Learning to deal with feelings, and find the words to express my feelings truthfully, proved to be a really big struggle, because feelings happen, and I did not like some of those feelings I had. I like to have good feelings, but dealing with feelings which were considered bad, I had no clue how to deal or even express them truthfully…

When I heard people talk about the language of the heart, I knew what they were talking about, but I didn't really understand where those feelings were in me. I understood desire, but I did not understand love too well. I had come to a place where I felt I was worthless and had no right to live. And the idea of learning how to love myself, so I might be able to learn how to love others unconditionally, it was really tough, expressing feelings which I did not want to have and did not want to own up to. In one way or another, we hear about the seven vices and the seven virtues, seven vices, where our feelings are negative and extreme and the seven virtues, where our feelings are positive and probably extreme as well. The back and forth between vices and virtues, and somewhere in each moment there is balance is a daily activity. When people say they put things behind them, I realise they may have put some things behind them, but vices and virtues will crop up all the time because we are simply human, very human beings living in the moment of now…

When we dismiss a feeling as inappropriate, the feeling has occurred. And we need to ask ourselves what is going on in our heads. Some feelings are evoked in the moment can be completely inappropriate and abnormal and yet we have them. So when somebody harms us in some way, and we feel those extremes of feeling which can be homicidal, the feeling is real, the truth is, not to act on the feeling and apply some thinking quickly and become real about what we can and cannot do. And in early recovery, extreme feelings, one way or another are part of the rollercoaster and the language of the heart. Many people never understand their feelings impact on their thinking and then what they do next. Many people misunderstand thinking coming first and then trying to feel right and behave right. In my experience, if I ask myself the simple questions, in any given moment, "how am I feeling, why and what can I do?" Then I have the order most likely correct rather than a reflex which leads to an automatic response. Automatic responses are okay in some situations, automatic responses can lead to dangerous outcomes based on past history. Feelings come first in the process, and the impact of feelings on our thinking needs to be taken into account. And then the actions which follow are more likely to be considered and careful, rather than lashing out in pain and hurt today…

And if we are considerate about the language of the heart, how to express our feelings and know our feelings in the moment of now, it is only half the story. Or even a small part of the story because we need to take account of the feelings of others, and this is extremely difficult because many people do not wish to acknowledge how they are feeling in the moment of now, because their feelings can be quite ugly and not so good and quite bad. So although we start to understand our feelings and our emotional and spiritual journey, the rest of the world does not want to engage in a feeling conversation, they want it to be about the thinking and the outcomes and the next actions regardless of their feelings, and mostly regardless of our feelings. And the surprise comes to others when they ask us to do something, and we say, "No I don't feel like doing that. And it's not right for me to do it…" We are not on the Earth to be compliant with other people, we are here to be a part of the experience of life with other people…

Romance and finance! The absolute foundation of most of life. When we grow up, we want to be fit and ready to engage in romantic interludes, find love and maybe start a family if we can. And have a good job and earn enough to make it all possible. And the problem for human beings is that growing up and having fun and doing everything to excess is all part of the journey. And then somehow we are supposed to settle down, start a family and make a fortune to make it all work. I certainly felt that was the goal, and for some reason and mainly because of my upbringing, those possibilities were very distant and very hard to believe could happen to me. And consequently, the more I aspired to those ideas and notions, the further distant they became. I always thought that when I get to a certain place in my life, the dream would come true. The problem, trying to be perfect, and trying to achieve the perfect outcome left me short of the mark, unable to sustain fantasies and completely disappointed as I entered the last chance saloon. Oddly, the last chance saloon has helped me learn the language of the heart, how to love a person and people, how to be loved back by one person and people without conditions… Today I can say happily, that I see romance and finance based on needs met and wants forgotten happens all the time around me. And the good news is, even though I am single presently, I have love in my life which is unconditional. And who knows what might happen? As long as I don't try control outcomes with people, places and things and go with the flow, life, simply works one day at a time…

The language of the heart, learning the words and emotions in recovery is the best and most painful experience. The best experience because we start to understand all the good, love, joy and happiness can happen. Not because we want it so, because we have changed, and we are open to the possibilities, even when we may be scared of love, love will come our way in all shapes and forms. And this is the best experience, never having to run away and hide our feelings, and if we share our feelings, we are likely to find like-minded people. It does not follow automatically that we will find romance and finance are settled and easy, we find that romance and finance is possible. And in my experience, what we need we get as opportunities open up. If we desire want and try to make things so, we forget that we are the equal of everyone around us, and everyone around us has the same rights to say yes or no. In the moment of now, we need to acknowledge, the feelings of others and how we impact on them one day at a time…

Even though you may have feelings of a romantic nature, be sure to check out that the person you desire may have the same romantic nature as yourself sooner rather than later. If you keep on imagining a future with someone who is unaware of it, you are living a fantasy. And you're not doing anything to make a possibility. And if someone knocks you back, better sooner than later. The pain felt soonest is far less. And we get over it, far quicker, laugh at ourselves, with humility and realise that not everyone will be like-minded, especially and happily if they are sober today. As I recently said I loved girls who used to drink like me, and today I love girls who are sober, like me. And sober girls are better able to know their own feelings and say yes or no to affection sooner rather than later! Being truthful, open, and honest and willing is a two way street in sobriety. Just because you might desire something, it really does not mean you are going to get it with regard to romance and finance. And how wonderful is that? It is the essence of learning about the emotional and spiritual experience of life, understanding the language of the heart, and seeing how feelings work in every single moment, the ever present imperfectly moment of now…

We move from hopelessness to hopefulness, learn to express what is going on inside us in the moment. How does the wisdom grow? Using the serenity prayer, of course, brings us back to sanity in the moment. Understanding the can do and checking out what we can do right now will lead straight onto what we cannot do and cannot be achieved right now. As one pathway opens, another pathway closes down. We learn that being open, honest and willing, with the courage to change works and keeps on working. Serenity and the nature of serenity is always a personal journey with everyone we will encounter today…

January 15 2012 | Daily Reflection | AA daily reflections: "tapping our inner resource, the power within?" I do believe we have choices in life, and we all make judgements about what is good for us. We keep learning and making mistakes all day long, some with little impact and some with great impact for ourselves and everyone we know. Humility will keep me learning and changing the good, fear and a brave face will keep me hiding and ego will encourage me to cover up. Spot check inventories will keep me learning rather than hiding one day at a time…

And the power within is always limited to what we know up to this point in time. In fellowship I keep learning as each moment passes and each person I meet provides me with new knowledge and ways to live my life today. My power within is always connected to the greater power of the universe; and learning from everyone and everything around me. Making progress never perfect, life is a wonderful calamity lived in the moment where everything happens…

Nature and Providence offer the opportunity to keep on learning, lifting me up rather than putting me down. I need no power over anything these days, life is as it may be and choices are made in the moment. Better choices with inclusion, humility, fearlessness and asking for help. Doctrine and dogma will cut me down and limit me to a point of view. I need be open honest and willing to listen to the world today and not be limited by what I want and unhelpful conventions created by others…

DonInLondon 2005-2011

Step One "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol-that our lives had become unmanageable"

"God [if this is what we understand to be God or a "Higher Power"] grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot, Courage to Change the things I can and the Wisdom to Know the Difference" God is Truth Love and Wisdom in the moment of now...

AN UNSUSPECTED INNER RESOURCE With few exceptions our members find that they have tapped an unsuspected inner resource which they presently identify with their own conception of a Power greater than themselves. ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, pp. 569-70

From my first days in A.A., as I struggled for sobriety, I found hope in these words from our founders. I often pondered the phrase: “they have tapped an unsuspected inner resource.” How, I asked myself, can I find the Power within myself, since I am so powerless? In time, as the founders promised, it came to me: I have always had the choice between goodness and evil, between unselfishness and selfishness, between serenity and fear. That Power greater than myself is an original gift that I did not recognize until I achieved daily sobriety through living A.A.’s Twelve Steps.

-/-

Step One Video 12 & 12