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Monday, 30 June 2014

Alcoholics Anonymous Blog & Video | June 30 2014

June 30 Video

How am I feeling this morning? Hungry, angry, lonely or tired? None of these, but friends have felt this way and some family. People get bullied a lot in life by other people who think they know better. And one of the best pieces of news I have heard came in the form of acceptance in the big book. It reminded me that if I don't know what is right for me, how on Earth could I know what is right for you? I don't. And I'm not God like. I hope to be a human, having a human experience.

Many years ago I was bullied into a nervous breakdown. I had no clue what to do about this. I did not recognise that I was on track to be trapped between my personal values and integrity, and my desire to be right. I was quite confused about the rules of engagement with a bully. If you recognise a bully and that they may try draw you into a situation, walk away. No amount of personal power will overcome positional power in any walk of life without a war. And if you don't have the positional power, likelihood is that you will be flattened. Walk away…

Difficult advice, to walk away from a bully? Of course we all feel empowered to crush characters like these. And then we become the bully. It takes a village to raise a child, it takes a village to deal with a difficult child. Sometimes it can be very difficult to disconnect from those who influence our lives, in family, community, society and work. If you are walking into a new environment, check out how people are doing. Some places are just not worth entering when we know what we're dealing with. Courage to walk away will save a great deal of horror and discomfort. And just because hitmen are cheap these days, it is never an option for those who need peace of mind.

If you find there are people in your life who make you feel "less than" and they are not about to change their attitudes, best make a swift exit if you can. Very difficult to do when we feel "less than" already and we have forgotten that we all have a right to be here.

Even when people have been in recovery for years and years, you will see those who have happy lives, are having a great experience because they live and breathe all twelve principles. And when life turns bad and ugly, the twelve principles help with the experience. And of course the serenity prayer works whether you believe in God or not. Can do and cannot do and the wisdom to know the difference. And those who have longevity in recovery, and no feeling for life, they can be very, very difficult individuals who know the answers and the principles and yet cannot put them into practice. Or you can be like me, have good, bad and ugly experiences, sometimes walk away, and then realise what has happened and then the feelings come out. More often though, whether I am having a good, bad or ugly experience, if I ask myself in the moment, "how do I feel about this?" Then feelings emerge in the moment of now and the emotional and spiritual connection is made.

One principal defects of character is to forget to ask myself how am I feeling in the moment and do something about it. Somehow, there seems to be a time delay in my emotions, because like anybody else I can be taken by surprise, and my feelings are playing catch up with reality. And sometimes when I walked away from situations, I would have been better to stand still. Of course if a bus, or a bully is moving my way, momentum will take me away from those dangers. Hopefully… Most often? Sometimes…

Step Six Video 12 And 12

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Friday, 27 June 2014

Alcoholics Anonymous Blog & Video | June 27 2014

June 27 Video

Dear defects of character, namely, pride, ego and fear! Where are you? My landlord rewired my abode, workers in and out surveying, more work to be done, caused by damage, the flooring of the wet room to be replaced next week. How am I feeling? Every day. I practice meditation around step one, powerless over people places and things, step two, insanity, available any day with the invasion and intrusion. Step three, let go and accept the disruption. And so far I feel good and respectful of those working on behalf of the landlord.

When people have to intrude to work and I have to stay put and be with them, it can bring up all sorts of issues. What they might think of me? No, this didn't happen. I didn't feel any judgement, even if there was any it didn't matter. I am what I am.

Chatting to people whilst they work, becomes very illuminating about how jobs get done in quite big organisations. Somebody tenders a contract, they get the job and then it is subcontracted out to self-employed individuals. And when it comes to accountability, it may seem like those who have contracted are accountable, but they are not because of the way matters are arranged. And governance, compliance and meeting legal requirements are not tested. I just hope the fuse box works, and the repair to the floor works. There is no comeback or accountability in all these activities.

So how am I feeling about that? Let it go. And if nothing blows up all will be well, and if nothing leaks, all will be well, and if my window winder is fixed, I can shut the window. And if my gas boiler is recharged, it won't break down. And if the special liquid is applied to the radiators, they won't leak. I feel okay even though it could be a completely different story if I had indulged in all of step six and not let anything go.

Every night: step 10 to check my personal inventory, gratitude for what has been accomplished so far. I was able to accept everything that has happened, the noise, the incessant drilling and rewiring. I even managed to get new tyres and brakes on the bike, so it is roadworthy once again. I have gratitude that step seven, kept me sane: improving on my shortcomings. Every day, courage to change, faith in doing the next right thing and being confident enough to speak up, and continue to speak up when the need arises, and it is pertinent to do so.

I feel happy, that there is some justice in the world of football, if I look at the news, there was so much going wrong, insanity is only an arm's length away. It is a mad, mad world. Thank God for Fellowship and truth.

Step Six Video 12 And 12

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Tuesday, 10 June 2014

Alcoholics Anonymous Blog & Video | June 10 2014

June 10 Video

Step six month: asking for help with our defects. Number one defect denial of truth. Surrendering to the truth can be a difficult and lengthy process. When we find the world is quite disagreeable, we become disagreeable. At extremes whole nations become disagreeable, society can feel disagreeable, community and family can feel disagreeable. And worse, when we are really ticked off, even Fellowship can feel disagreeable! Thankfully I don't feel disagreeable right now.

Changes happen all the time, and in recovery the primary areas which impact greatly on whether we are agreeable or disagreeable with the world, or a person, place or thing, is usually around romance and finance. Once we are sober, which can take quite a while, romance and finance, inevitably become part of recovery. If we have agreeable feelings around romance and finance, hopefully we find contentment and excitement, and every emotion agreeable. If however we feel we are missing out, romance and finance not happening to the right level of contentment and excitement, life can be very disagreeable.

And other things need to be taken into account in the world of step six and step seven, simply we need to start with, "to thine own self be true," and see if we are in an agreeable or disagreeable state of mind. If we are feeling agreeable with the world, open to the possibilities and feel right in ourselves, anything might happen. If we are uncertain, and I'm sure we all are quite often, asking for help is a truly good idea. And there are always plenty of people with an opinion. Just be wise in sorting out what is right for you.

If I don't know what is right for you, how can I possibly know what is right for me? Actually, this particular phrase is written the other way round, "if I don't know what is right for me, how can I possibly know what is right for you?" The problem is that we can find plenty of advisers who have ideas about what is right for us and make that judgement and share it with us in the name of love. Unfortunately people who offer advice on what is right for us? They may have our best interests at heart, or most likely their own interests at heart, and at the same time. Which means their wisdom is likely to be faulty and based on self-interest rather than your interest.

Fortunately I don't know what is right for me, and I'm working on it on a daily basis, and by bedtime, I can use step ten and gratitude to help me sort it out. Which means I have no clue what is right for you, although I have plenty of wisdom and still no answer which would satisfactorily make things right. And I won't know what is right for me, until I get there, in the meantime however, life is agreeable, I love people and people love me back in the world is full and I have useful endeavours I enjoy. There are endless possibilities every single day, and this happily makes life very confusing.

I guess what we fear most is loss. And losing love and intimacy on whatever level, emotionally and physically, will always hurt and we will grieve. But that's okay, because that is life one day at a time. We might deny changes because they are disagreeable, at the same time as one door closes, the doors open, very agreeably as we become open to life in all its manifestations today.

Some parts of the year can be very difficult, memories of times past need to be honoured. June was a good month for me over the years, as most summer months were. Particularly in the romance and finance departments. But since recovery, every month is bloody difficult, romance and finance need foundations in truth. Needs met wants forgotten? When will I know if my needs are being met? Easy to answer that one, I set my expectations to zero every morning, and no resentments are being constructed. So I feel quite comfortable now, having said all that. But the trouble is I'm a human being with defects of character, which are bloody nuisance.

Step Six Video 12 And 12

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Monday, 9 June 2014

Alcoholics Anonymous Blog & Video | June 9 2014

June 9 Video

Learning how to love, learning how to be loved back and live a useful life whatever your endeavours is key. We need to learn how to love, and we need tolerance and love. Tolerance and love through self-appraisal can hopefully lead to an understanding of how the current conditions and history impact on every human being. Forgiveness for what we have done is absolutely necessary, and so is forgiveness for everyone. We are all learners, sometimes quickly, most often slowly in my case, and hopefully truth emerges, and love returns one day at a time.

How we look after ourselves defines very often how we look after others in our lives. If we have self-worth, we learn to respect and love and cherish. Or we can go back into old behaviour of self-harm and caring less, not only for ourselves, we can become careless with everybody. Driven by thinking and actions we can tread roughshod over our own feelings about ourselves and completely ignore the feelings other people have. Self-care in this emotional and spiritual world, learning to love oneself then means we understand the emotional and spiritual impact we have on everyone.

Tolerance and love, forgiving everyone for how they behave. Every person has feelings, their emotional spiritual welfare is contingent on the current conditions today. Emotional and spiritual? Feelings fitting with the moment and that we can cope with the reality, the truth of now. Forgiveness releases the burden of trying to control outcomes whether they are good, bad or ugly.

In recovery we are not on trial, in recovery we are learning by our mistakes on a daily basis. And I wonder sometimes if mistakes are often covered up because of fear, pride and ego. When I make mistakes, I would rather share them with the world, and not covering up because it takes too much energy and in the end the truth comes out.

June is an interesting month in my progress. Every year since 2004, I have been learning more about the defects of character: which are about pride fear and ego. I don't know if I can share step six, without reference to step seven, shortcomings: short on, courage to change, faith in doing the next right thing and the confidence to face the truth, and surrender to the truth of who and what we are. If I'm short, or have shortcomings of courage, faith and confidence, most likely pride fear and ego are looming ahead and in me in the moment. Step six and seven, always part of the moment, often it is the difference between denial of what is happening now, and acceptance of the truth of now.

Maybe we hear something inadvertently or deliberately which can undermine our serenity. The undermining of serenity can be a jolt of truth, or it might be malicious intent. We don't know which they are until we stop long enough. The problem is when we are not aware of the truth, or we have difficulty finding out what the truth is, isolated thinking will rumble into the grip and darkness of pride, ego and fear.

When I evade truth and don't tell the truth, what am I hiding from? Something which is going to hurt my feelings usually. If I cover up, the answer is obvious, my feelings are hurt in some way, or I fear hurting the feelings of somebody else. And for whatever reason, I need to deal with those feelings around pride, ego and fear which will only get worse until I find courage, faith and confidence to let truth emerge as best it can.

An emphatic no is better than a half-hearted yes. And sometimes it takes a lot of courage, faith and confidence to say no. No stops everything that we don't feel right about doing. And a simple no, it shuts the door to our own expectations, as much as anyone else's expectations. Expectations, without foundation are resentments grinding away and undermining serenity. Let go expectations, make space and freedom to choose whatever path is open. To thine own self be true.

Step Six Video 12 And 12

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Sunday, 8 June 2014

Alcoholics Anonymous Blog & Video | June 8 2014

June 8 Video

Coping with reality: emotional and spiritual progress and never perfect. Defects of character play a very big part in our recovery. Fear pride and ego can bend anyone out of shape. Fear makes us weary and tired, but it's still there and eats into serenity. Fear of loss, fear of being found out, fear of not being good enough, all play a part in undermining truth. Pride, will silence many people and stop them telling their truth in case they might lose something: people places and things. Ego demands that the truth cannot be told all the consequences of loss will undermine what we think we are entitled to keep for ourselves.

Can do cannot do, and wisdom to know the difference. The principles of being: open, honest and willing to change. This is very positive. And of course, fear, pride and ego will undermine making many a person close down, holding on, dishonest and unwilling to change. Greedy to keep parts of the old life, at the expense of the new life. Greedy, needing to be involved and intimate, based on deception and misdirection.

When we covet, hold onto things, people and places and cannot let go for fear of losing out, we bind ourselves into a madness and insanity, which will prevail if we do not accept and surrender to truth. Truth is that life changes, outlooks, attitudes and feelings alter as situations and new living emerges. When we feel the need to move on and let in new people, places and things, new possibilities, it is imperative to share this truth with those we cherish. And if we do not cherish them, people places and things, we have no business trying to hang on and pretend that everything is just the way it used to be.

Sometimes people don't fear being found out, in some cases it makes life a lot easier to sort out. In any Fellowship, family and community, people just keep on talking and talking. And the primary defect which emerges is gossip. By the time gossip reaches those most concerned and at the centre, what was innocent can become vile and abominable. Truth is lost, moment by moment and undermines love. Truth and love in the moment is spiritual. And part of the emotional and spiritual journey is experiencing our defects of character in the reality of now. Whenever we deviate and come up short on courage, faith and confidence to be truthful we are stuck in defects of character.

Until we engage with the right people in the right places and doing the right things, it can be very difficult to see truth, and then live the truth of now. Sometimes it feels better to be stuck in the mud with everybody else gossiping away the lives of other people. Far better to concentrate on our own lives. I often suggest that the currency of living can be measured in how we are able to love people, be loved back by people and find useful endeavours in whatever field of activity we choose. Being able to define ourselves as capable of loving others, being loved back by them and a life with useful things to do, is far better than sitting in judgement of others. Even though we might find it better not to judge others, this is a defect of character which blocks useful endeavours.

A casual remark, with a grain of truth can go to the good. A grain of truth can hold the key. Finding the truth in those grains of gossip is a rare commodity. And anyone might spend a lifetime missing the point of living. When endeavouring to live well, to thine own self be true first, then share it and see what truth emerges from those who matter most. Some suggest, least said and soonest mended. I might suggest simple ordinary truth will lead to mending far quicker than interrogation with retribution in mind. The road to hell is paved with good intent, and sometimes good intent is not so good, it depends on which side one sits in this world of fear, pride and ego.

Anyone anywhere can experience doubt, and the only way to deal with gossip is not indulge, simply go back to the source and see what happens. Truth is always good, even when we don't like the consequences, because truth does set people free to make their own choices, rather than live in the mud and muddle created to undermine and demean for whatever reason.

Defects of character impact on the good, the bad and the ugly. Because we can all be good, we can all be bad, and carry the burden of ugliness from time to time. Sometimes we hang on, when we should let go far more quickly. Sometimes our shortcomings of courage, faith and confidence are lost in the mire of intrigue and curiosity. Courage to change, faith in doing the next right thing and confidence to surrender to the truth. It stops us humans from holding on to other humans to whom we have no rights, enslaving others and stopping their emotional and spiritual development. One day at a time, working on the shortcomings of courage, faith and confidence, we learn to surrender to the truth and let go our fears and our pride and our ego.

Step Six Video 12 And 12

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Thursday, 5 June 2014

Alcoholics Anonymous Blog & Video | June 5 2014

June 5 Video

Somebody said yesterday that step six and step seven are so important, and somehow these particular steps get forgotten. I cannot understand how they can be forgotten, step six is the start of a revolution in ourselves on the road of emotional and spiritual development.

Step six: all of step six defects, which start with emotions: in my case, pride, ego and fear can lead me into extreme feelings, and anger often leads to resentment in no time at all. Defects of character? Simply, it does depend on asking for help to understand how we behave. Sometimes we behave badly as we react to the reality of now. Reality, if we can cope and deal with reality, experience these defects of character which will come up every day, we will learn how to let go of our own self-righteousness and see our mistakes in handling situations. We need to make mistakes, or actually we need to live life, and know not only that we are learning how to cope, so is the rest of the world.

I cannot change my history. And my primary defect of self-harm, put me in a place of fear and desolation, which only started to change very gradually, and very painfully from day one of trying to be sober, and actually, accepting I needed sobriety. To admit and accept were key questions asked when I was in a particularly nasty rehab, which has closed down. Other people were asked to judge me and give an opinion of whether or not I admitted and accepted that I was an alcoholic. Step one, to admit and accept that I am an alcoholic, it is something I need do every day in sobriety, or I forget and then defects and the very worst one might happen because of my neglect.

When councillors encourage the inmates in a rehab to judge each other in their ability to admit and accept their addictions is a curious state of affairs. In my opinion, asking sick people to judge each other in their early days is not only tragic, it sets people against each other in a particularly dangerous environment. At the time, it seemed an infantile preoccupation which was done twice a week. And then I saw just how dangerous these particular activities are, damaging people, and some condemned themselves as a result. Looking back, in any other environment, it would be criminal to demean and undermine human beings in such a way. Councillors are not God, and should not offer Godlike judgement to those in need of help. We judge ourselves badly enough, and gossip and judgement are primary defects which kill people.

Present day: how am I feeling right now? I feel good, happy and content. Three phone calls from the local government people, wanting to arrange improvements to my environment. I have already arranged a medical appointment, and need to arrange two more. So I'm making progress! But I need to be careful, because I can procrastinate, get frustrated when the bastards don't answer the phone, and of course I can be a bastard too, and never answer my phone after 10:30 in the morning, I do this, or there would be no peace and no serenity in my abode! I can be a difficult "bastard," to get hold of any time of day… And being human, sometimes we need solitude and time to rest, or we would be no good to anyone anywhere at any time.

Step Six Video 12 And 12

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Wednesday, 4 June 2014

Alcoholics Anonymous Blog & Video | June 4 2014

June 4 Video

Step six: all about defects of character, or simply aspects of our character, our personality traits which have been pushed to extremes. Number one defect before recovery, drinking to excess, drinking myself to near death. And all the way towards an unnatural end, denial and absolute "want" beyond reason kept on driving me into the ground and unconsciousness. Drink when sleep, drink, then sleep, always teetering on the brink of extinction at the end. And the end was not death, it was acceptance that I could not drink alcohol in any shape or form again…

Pride, ego and fear at extremes, denial of the problem and not able to ask for help. And even now, having just passed my 10th year in recovery, pride, ego and fear are still available to rampage and ruin any day. Fortunately for me, I am aware of all the defects of character and all the words which are associated with extreme negative behaviour. What drives pride, ego and fear? Life can drive anyone to distraction. If we do not stop ourselves when things go wrong, hungry angry lonely tired will make it worse. And we need to ask for help from whatever source. It's about how we respond, and not blaming other people when they respond to us in horrible ways. As we point the finger at them, there are three fingers pointing back at us, each one laced with venom. We are our own poison.

Two people from local government/contractors came to see me yesterday. And I had not made an agenda for the meeting, which was about rewiring, which is required by law. Over the last few months, it has been disastrous, the way things have evolved and gone downhill. Anyway the two people who came, new on the scene, were open honest and willing to be helpful. So without blame or criticism of them, I was able to share the truth of incompetence, and they were able to share their truth and their belief in their competence to get things done. So, rather than go into the negative, and dig into old problems, we agreed to move forward with a bit of faith and confidence that things may become better through time.

Step six, personality traits: the headline emotional reactions and responses are most likely to come out as pride, fear and ego. And if I can just stop long enough, and then work on my own personal shortcomings, try to have a bit of courage, faith and confidence, and stick with the truth, rather than go into blame, and anger, the outcome is likely to improve. I don't expect the rest of the world to operate this way, but if I operate and improve my courage, faith and confidence on a daily basis, far more outcomes will be positive. And when they are negative, they can go fuck themselves. I don't mean that, truly I don't, but it is part of the road to acceptance and forgiveness of others who inadvertently or deliberately try cut us down on any given day.

Humour is so important in recovery, as long as we laugh at ourselves, first and foremost, we do improve our tolerance and love of humanity, even when they are emerging from the Stone Age emotionally.

Step Six Video 12 And 12

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