January 24 2013 | AA 12 Steps In Action | Step 1 "Powerless" | Alcoholics Anonymous | "so simple? Don't drink and go to meetings…" And yet so complicated! What is the most natural thing for an alcoholic to do? Drink, simply drink… An old life with a foundation built on drinking for many of us, and a new life where we stop drinking completely, and then life will be okay? When people say, "don't drink and go to meetings, that is simply a starting point and not finishing point. If we are truly to live an emotional and spiritual experience one day at a time, we need to change our attitudes and behaviour, not just stop drinking, start living and learning all over again…
Video For Today:
Countless times I stopped drinking and went to meetings. Sometimes I stopped drinking for a day, a week, a month, and even over a year on one occasion. Not drinking for a year was on the advice of medical professionals, who are looking after me after I had a nervous breakdown, caused by work exhaustion, going on to the bitter end, working at things which I could do, but were not good for me in any shape or form. And once we have become reliant on only one element of life to sustain our reason for living, at that time it was work for me, once that usefulness had disappeared, it seemed like I had disappeared as well. I could see no usefulness in life and I felt useless. And the world seemed to want me back doing the things I used to do, and that there had been no nervous breakdown at all. Oddly, I had stop drinking quite a time before the nervous breakdown, just in case it was the drink, indeed, without the drink, the nervous breakdown came on sooner rather than later. Life had no meaning for years and years…
So when some kind soul, said to me, "don't drink and go to meetings," without the other suggestions to find a fulfilling life on an emotional and spiritual level, where I felt useful again, it was not enough, because my feelings erupted and the self-hate just led to hating the world as it was, and not the world I was used to, nor the world I wished for. And the final years of oblivion, leading up to a suggestion to go to the fellowship of AA, pulled me down so far, I could not make sense of anything, and certainly not living any more. So it is a minor miracle, to have found someone who said it was right to start with, "don't drink and go to meetings," and they then said, "listen for the similarities from other people who share common ground, and share common experiences." "Oh, and by the way," they said, "go to ninety meetings in ninety days, or do more than that, if you can, because that will help you stop needing a drink, but it won't stop you wanting a drink on a daily basis." At last! Somebody was being realistic with me, stopping drinking one day at a time, it was going to be a struggle and a nightmare and horrible. But having endured years of horror, a few days of more horror without drink was going to be a possibility if I did what was suggested as advice, and not command and not somebody trying to control me…
I really don't feel my listening skills were very good. When I first got to the fellowship of AA, and was really having a go at trying to keep sober. I heard people speak, and I could hear them speak about things I had experienced. But they seemed to have less pain, about their recovery, and did not experience the amount of pain I did. Well of course, talking about the pain in the first few days is not the same as experiencing the pain in the first few days. Because we are relating how the pain was, and anyone in that place of pain is feeling it then and there. My feelings were, "if your pain was as bad as mine right now, the only thing that can stop it is a drink!" And so I had this battle going on, and agreement with myself to go through the pain, and the other part of me, knowing that a drink would take the pain away, but the problem was, if I took the pain away with a drink, I will surely find no way to stop drinking at all. And the message from the fellowship will be lost. I don't know what the odds are when it comes to making those decisions, as if they are decisions! This is part of recovery, where the odds are stacked against everyone who takes this journey into recovery. The start of a little bit of courage to change, faith in doing the next right thing, and just having enough of an inkling or confidence that there may be a solution one day at a time…
Ninety meetings in ninety days? I did do more than ninety meetings in ninety days, sometimes three or four meetings a day, walking to them, getting there. And having a cup of coffee, a biscuit and trying not to shake too much. Meetings, everyone seemed to be sharing, sometimes they were laughing, sometimes they were crying and sometimes they just seem to spout nonsense about things they understood and I could not understand. Talk of the twelve steps, how they saved lives. And I had no clue what twelve steps would do for me, would I turn into a robot? And the twelve steps stop me from being a human being with free will? Would the twelve steps turned me into some sort of member of a cult? And would I have to believe in God, to be saved from my killer malady? The answer to all those questions, I'm not a robot, I have freedom of choice, I'm not part of the cult, I have my own belief in life, and I have been saved from a killer malady… Just for a day…
Was it a smooth transition into recovery? No! From first meeting to second meeting, it took five years. And somebody said, "you weren't ready for recovery." And that made me mad, that somehow I was not ready. They were right though, the first meeting of the fellowship was not made as a conscious choice by me, and the first meeting I attended, my neighbours were there, people I knew from my health club, were all around me, people from the arts club abounded, and my mum's best friend was in the front row, and my mum's best friend said to me, "it's good to see you here, we were worried that you might not make it." I could see how happy everybody was, except me, a fish out of water is the way I felt. So I went to the Trafalgar pub at the end of the road, and simply ran away from life, pretty much everybody I knew for the next five years and drank myself into hospital and intensive care more than once. Along the way, the empty feelings or rather the lack of feelings about anything and desolation just got worse. Self-contempt, and then contempt for everything is bleak and black living. And today I know, that everyone experiences these difficult times on the road of recovery. We cope with life in recovery and can ask for help from anyone anywhere if we are minded to do so, and ask the help, sometimes we get it straight away, often we simply learn from everyone around us and find the solutions happen in a timely way, when we have learned how to cope with whatever was bothering us and usually in the moment of now…
The old life, living in the killer malady, the new life, living in the solution. Letting go the old life, I would not suggest a five-year gap between the first meeting and the second meeting. And somehow I was fortunate to be alive to get to the second meeting, and it was touch and go along the way. I can truly say I experienced long periods of psychosis, wanting never to wake up again, and never wanting anyone who I had known from before see the person I had become at the end of my drinking. I was full of guilt and shame and remorse, I felt I'd let the world down, and I was useless. That's how it felt, I had failed to be able to stand on my own two feet, my brave face had been worn away and my ego was a brittle mask behind which a broken human shrank from life and I had simply had enough…It was time to try, one last time to try to stop the drink…
And yet even with all that had happened, trying to stay sober on my own, even though I knew by then it was the only way to survive, without the help of other people and love and kindness, and simply being in the company of non-drinkers, I would have perished at my own hands by drinking. This is why I am happy to share my experience, strength and hope on a daily basis, inside meetings with groups to which I belong, and anywhere when asked. What is it like today? Sometimes I can feel thirsty for a drink, if I watch too many adverts on the TV, which show conviviality with alcohol, and recollections of the old convivial successful life, which turned into a nightmare, even then I can be subconsciously swayed. But these feelings of thirst are fleeting and the greater feeling of well-being, which is reinforced by being in fellowship keeps me safe in the moment and hopefully today…
January 24 2012 | Daily Reflection | Wonderful lunchtime meeting of the fellowship yesterday at the Methodist Church on the Kings road here in London: uplifting gave me a feeling of happiness and serenity. The chair all about how the twelve steps work and translate into living truthfully day by day by being open, honest and willing to keep learning one day to time. All about having the humility to keep learning and being ourselves making progress and not trying to be perfect…
Video For Today:
And today a trip out with my sister: to see the "Hockney Exhibition" at the Royal Academy in Piccadilly. To be with my sister, courtesy of a wonderful friend helping me with other matters allowed us to see and enjoy the exhibition and then pop over the road to Fortnum and Mason to buy marmalade for my mum. A beautiful and humbling experience in all respects: and an appreciation of an artist's work. Balanced and level feelings, exciting moments and much laughter, I feel really good on this grim rainy day…
Today's daily reflection all about unity, service and recovery: Mainly focusing on service. Practising these principles in all my living means I get courage and faith, building my confidence daily by being helpful and not a hindrance to people in my life today…
Unity in fellowship translates to me being in the “big” community where I can be of service or simply be helpful when people need help. And recovery means I make free choices based on real life situations and can see more clearly what I can and cannot do today…
I must add that service in the community means I need understand there is a limit to how much I can do. Or I run the risk of being overwhelmed and overcommitted. It is difficult to say no, something Gandhi said, "an emphatic no is better than a half-hearted yes." Recovery is very much about balancing our activities on a daily basis, and "no" is a complete sentence…
In my early days in recovery I kept doing more and more service, there were elements of shame and guilt about past times where I could not see beyond my own dreadful situation and how it disturbed family and friends. Today I can say yes to the things in a balanced way and know when I have no energy or capacity to be of use or just useful to others…
DonInLondon 2005-2011
A long time ago I realised I do love deeply and at the same time can love and hate behaviour in me and others, now learning to cherish and forgive always.. ~ Emily Dickinson "Behaviour is what a man or woman does, not what he or she thinks, feels, or believes."
-/-
We all learn in our own time if time permits…
AA Daily: GETTING INVOLVED January 24 ~ There is action and more action. “Faith without works is dead.” . . . To be helpful is our only aim. ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS , pp. 88-89
I understand that service is a vital part of recovery but I often wonder, “What can I do?” Simply start with what I have today! I look around to see where there is a need. Are the ashtrays full? Do I have hands and feet to empty them? Suddenly I’m involved! The best speaker may make the worst coffee; the member who’s best with newcomers may be unable to read; the one willing to clean up may make a mess of the bank account -yet every one of these people and jobs is essential to an active group. The miracle of service is this: when I use what I have, I find there is more available to me than I realized before.
-/-
Just For Today, and every day cherish always...
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AA Official Online Site: Daily Reflections
http://www.aa.org/lang/en/aareflections.cfm
AA Official Online Site: Big Book And Twelve And Twelve
http://www.aa.org/lang/en/subpage.cfm?page=359
January 2013 | Step One Reading Video Link:
January 2013 | Video Reading How It Works:
January 2013 | Video Reading A Vision For You:
January 2013 | Playlist About Step One:
http://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLD1355CD80542DBFC
don@doninlondon.com |
"music for airports" By Brian Eno | http://www.enoshop.co.uk/ |
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