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January 14 2013 | AA 12 Steps In Action | Step 1 "Powerless" | Alcoholics Anonymous "Last Chance Saloon..." It seemed to me that Alcoholics Anonymous was the last chance saloon. And I heard it said more than once in my first few days in the fellowship. A saloon, which only served tea and coffee, water. And with luck, a few biscuits to eat for those of us without the means to buy anything, let alone an alcoholic drink. Was this rock bottom? That life could get no worse? And was there a hope in hell? Most emphatically, yes…

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Helping Helps Me Today

In one of the AA literature books, the writing describes many who come to AA as in a revolt against life in general. And indeed as an alcoholic, I felt revolting as well as revolted by everything and anything. My head was sore, my senses painful and scratchy all the time. And when I had said to myself, "it can't get any worse, I cannot do this on my own, and I need help." That first admission of hopelessness and not being able to cope on my own, not being able to stand on my own two feet, I made a call to my psychiatrist, saying that I could not cope any more and that I realised I really needed help. Sometimes described as the jumping off point? Keep on drinking and I will die, or simply admit and accept that help was needed by me as soon as possible...

I managed to get to the psychiatrist on a bitter January day, it was a Friday, and I was really suffering badly. Fortunately, the psychiatrist told me not to stop drinking completely, to avoid an alcoholic seizure, just to taper it down a bit, so I could actually get to their office. As I explained to the psychiatrist, nothing, absolutely nothing was working any more, and drinking to oblivion every few hours seemed like I was at the end of the road. A physical wreck, some of the time feeling nothing, some of the time in a half conscious nightmare. The offer came, a place in a safe house run by a charity for three weeks to get dried out. And then? I was told not to think too far ahead, just to be able to get there on the Monday morning, drunk or sober, no matter what I might be thinking. As soon as I had said yes to the safe house, walking out of the office, my head was already saying no, no way am I going there. I did go there, they dried me out, and it was the longest I had been sober in a very long time…

The emotional torture, based on what life is all about in the world in which I lived, standing on my own two feet, working hard, playing hard and be able to do whatever I wanted, that illusion still held me in its sway. The reality, broken. Emotionally, physically and spiritually bankrupt, not coping with anything and alcohol taking away everything except one thing, excruciating and excoriating pain inside and out. How can it be that a human being cannot stop hurting themselves even when it's obvious? It was about letting go an old life which was killing me, and starting a new life in recovery. Ingrained in the old life, the struggle into recovery felt impossible until I really understood. I could not get sober and keep sober on my own on a daily basis…

The reason for writing these words is to remind myself, all about step one, powerless over alcohol and if I drink life will become unmanageable. It is taken some time to understand that when we get sober, we are still vulnerable to all the attractions of the old life, where alcohol made us feel right with ourselves and right with the world. The attraction of the old life is always powerful. Until we get to a place where the new life becomes more peaceful and serene, more exciting and rewarding where our feelings fit with what is going on and we are able to make choices, and if we are uncertain we can always ask for help from anyone, anywhere at any time…

I was watching a TV this morning, and they presented a piece on self-help books. Many years ago, helping people achieve through counselling, training and on job work development was the very essence of what I did and I was very good at it. I could help other people, and at the same time, was unable to help myself with my biggest problem, a loss of purpose in my own life, unable to love myself unconditionally, unable to love anyone unconditionally and without a reason to be useful in any capacity. I did not realise I was suffering from clinical depression, and using alcohol to self-medicate the desolation I felt inside. It was the ugliest of times, pretending to be okay, and living in a bleak emotional state, I could not control it, master it, as Churchill described it, "black dog." The only way I found respite was in asking for help, professionally to start with and then in fellowship one day at a time…

Over the years, with many experiments conducted by professionals, to help me find balance in my physical chemistry, to enable the production of the right chemicals, to give me a chemical balance in my endocrine and hormone system, chronic depression is alleviated. There is no such thing as a happy pill, there is medication to improve the chemical imbalances that many people suffer from. And without the talking therapy, which is very sparse, people drift back to depression if they rely solely on their self will and self-determination. I needed a fellowship. Once the chemistry set inside me was working adequately. I could start to feel life and experience life as it is today, feelings fitting with reality in the moment. Emphatically the most profound change in me in all my life, to find balance in living one day at a time. Life can be, and still is good, bad and ugly. I cannot change the world, and if I cannot change the world, I need to understand how I may fit in the world and make the best of what is, and not some fantasy I might expect beyond the realms of reality...

Yes, we need to help ourselves, and the best way to help ourselves often is to be in the company of people who have wisdom of life in all respects. Wisdom of being themselves, and knowing who they are today. How on Earth could I have missed the point for so long? It is very simple, in my old world, emotional and spiritual life was completely misunderstood and never really discussed in any shape or form. Life was about people places and things, being the best and trying to be perfect. That impossible expectation of life, and myself, kept me separate and kept my feelings pushed down inside for over forty years. Dismantling the old life, the emptiness and the gap inside was immense, and I needed to make sure this emptiness was not filled for the sake of it. I needed to learn everything from scratch, from a place of not knowing and accepting that no knowledge and no understanding was the right starting place and still can be on any given day in recovery…

In listening to the person describing how to help yourself, I really enjoyed the discussion because the person who has written this "self-help" book has broken the notion of powerful mastery over something which can take a lifetime, simply how to be useful and attracted to the usefulness and endeavour we may undertake at any time. I am not really a fan of self-help books which may be purchased. I am a big fan and advocate of you writing your own book of usefulness and purpose. As Max Ehrmann suggested in his poem, desiderata, we all have purpose and something useful to do. And we should cherish learning what it is. My purpose changes, my outlook changes, what I know changes, my emotions change, my outlook changes. With an open mind, I can find purpose, usefulness and endeavour on any given day. I don't know what my usefulness and purpose may be until I arrive in the moment of now…

Write your own self-help book is my suggestion, write it one day at a time, some of the pages, and some of the writing may be a bit short on some days, and on other days it feels like we learned so much, how on earth are we ever going to write it all down? My suggestion is as I have heard from the wisdom of others, "keep it simple," and, in manageable chunks, so that when you look back at your own writing and your own self-help book, you will make sense of the wisdom learned and the journey we take one day at a time…

January 14 | Daily Reflection | 2012 | AA daily reflections "no regrets, we will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it" fits very well with my day to day experience. Just today meeting yesterday, full of hope, sorrow and joy all mixed together as we shared experience strength and hope.

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2012

And today, nothing is wasted seemed to be part of our theme in the spiritual experience meeting. To thine own self be true, let go of the past and by accepting what has happened, it must be about today. Many recollections of beginning and being a newcomer, living in the moment and neither dwelling on past, or wishing for the future. All about now and what we can and cannot do.

"We will be rocketed into the fourth dimension" seemed often to be about tomorrow or some future time. What it means for me, rocketed into the fourth dimension is simply living in the moment and being aware of how I feel, why and what can I do for life to be okay even when terrible events happen.

Sober life is all about now. Anger and resentment is always now if we feel it now. When I came to AA, I had a mountain of anger and resentment, and with the help of the steps and fellows in fellowship I was able to deal with the past. No regrets and all experiences necessary for me to be who I am today.

I can look back, and need not stare balefully at the past. I can recollect wonderful love, to be able to love and be loved back. Cherish always and when we find it difficult, reminding myself I can love people and not always find their behaviour helpful. Love people, understand why they may behave the way they do…

DonInLondon 2005-2011

Tonight over a hundred alcoholics in recovery jam packed into a small meeting room learning how to love, be loved and useful again, just for a day. To forgive, stop self-hate and hating the answer which is... fellowship. We can learn to love, change our behaviour from hateful to loving, learn who we are just for a day without a drink inside us. Enough love to stop the old ways and start again today, open honest and willing to change. Secrets keep us stuck....

Step One "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol-that our lives had become unmanageable"

"God [it is what we understand to be God or a "Higher Power"] grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot, Courage to Change the things I can and the Wisdom to Know the Difference" God is Truth Love and Wisdom in the moment of now...

-/-

Just For Today, and every day cherish always...

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AA Official Online Site: Daily Reflections

http://www.aa.org/lang/en/aareflections.cfm

AA Official Online Site: Big Book And Twelve And Twelve

http://www.aa.org/lang/en/subpage.cfm?page=359

January 2013 | Step One Reading Video Link: