October 12 2012 | AA 12 Steps In Action | Step 10 The Now Inventory Alcoholics Anonymous Today's Daily Reflections: "a rush to anger and resentment…" When we rush to anger and resentment, whatever the cause, we find as we spit with venom, so do those we anger as they retaliate, or worse we simply abuse the defenceless. Bullying behaviour, makes other people into bullies as well, or the opposite until they find some poor soul to bully in the future…
Video For Today:
Looking back over the past year I am trying to remember times when I got angry and resentful. And if I did I cannot remember, not because the feelings have gone away, simply because I have had nothing in particular to be angry and resentful about. I feel like I need to change my outlook to be angry and resentful, to look at things as problems rather than opportunities to find solutions. I related to a friend last night that some people do pull energy out of me from time to time and I need to recharge within when this happens. I don't need to condemn vexatious people, all I need do is avoid them as was said in the famous poem, Desiderata by Max Ehrmann…
How to deal with angry people? Let them be angry and try not to join in. How to deal with our own anger and where does it come from? Express our anger and see that it is within us. How we are treated over the years, how we treat others over the years and what creates those flashpoints where we explode. And when we do explode in anger and resentment, do we chew on it inside and cause ourselves a lot of grief, or do we vent and put it on other people around us in a vexatious way? And why don't I have a short fuse? Number one is the ability to be aware of my surroundings and the people and the place and the things that impact on me today. Feeling angry and resentful is very often a sense of powerlessness and expectations not being met. And judging others and what they are doing rather than looking at my part in it… Blame serves no purpose… And I'm sure my short fuse is still there!
Decades ago, heartbroken and without release from the persistent ache of loss, I threw out some of her precious possessions. And she wondered why… And I wondered why… Complete rejection will drive any human mad and to the extremes of being stuck in the blackness and desolation. I did not know how to deal with these extreme feelings and grief, attachment to a lost dream and no solace to be found. In recovery of my wits these last few years and understanding my feelings day by day provides the wisdom and how to deal with the good, the bad and the ugly of life. I needed fellowship, family and community back then and had no clue, today I do have a clue and it works in an imperfectly perfect way in the moment of now… Every emotion has purpose…
Learning how to love, be loved back and be useful. Learning love and being loved back is always in the moment of now. Love and cherishing when it is unconditional means we can love a person and people for who they are today. And another way of saying this all writing it, "I love you for who you are and not what you do." Love is not a negotiation, love has no conditions. And it is difficult when we have learned conditional love, love without any foundation and love with an expectation that it might be returned if I am good enough. When we love life we can love people and no negotiation or conditions apply. You don't have to be anything but your good self to be loved. Usefulness is the endeavour we have in life whatever it may be… And we may find joy today…
DonInLondon 2005-2011
I was asked to chair a meeting local to me today. Even though I always say call me on the day, because I never know how I will be, it gives me a feeling of unease. We can feel guilt for the right reasons and the wrong reasons. A slave to obligation, old codes can cause self harm…
Wanted on short term loan Barn Owls - Barn owls are extremely efficient at getting rid of mice. One family of barn owls can eat up to 15 mice every night! Consider erecting a nesting box to attract them onto your property. Very disturbing having mice!
DonInLondon 2005-2010
October 12 2010 ~ spontaneity and light-hearted, unburdened in recovery, we can be free to live in the moment. We do not dwell thinking about the past, and what we have to do to be happy in the future. We find our connection to right here and now, feel the experience of now, make best choices and live free today...
October 12 2010 ~ spontaneity and light-hearted, unburdened in recovery, we can be free to live in the moment. We do not dwell thinking about the past, and what we have to do to be happy in the future. We find our connection to right here and now, feel the experience of now, make best choices and live free today...
October 12 2010 ~ impulse: a wave of excitation. Happy, we are excited by our environment, people, places and things. We feel excited by life; our senses and feelings are sharpened with every encounter, moment by moment. Sad, same sharpness of senses and feelings, moment by moment, we live reality today with clarity and purpose...
In recovery, keeping our choices open today is always a challenge. And this month of October is all about step ten for me. Twelve steps in recovery, I am always alert to the desire to live in the present moment. Around living in the now, we build routines which help us. Step ten of the twelve steps is about a daily inventory of what has happened, what worked well, and what disturbed my balance in outlook.
Every day we encounter ordinary, and life is just ticking along, we are in the moment and not concerned about past events, or fearful of future events. Routine, connection to people, places and things feels okay and good. We feel included, a part of life and we have purpose in recovery. Stay sober, live life and experience everything.
Disturbance
Disturbance is a really good word to describe life being out of the ordinary and something unexpected happening. It could be a good disturbance, and we are elated or the opposite and we are fearful and react with enough presence of mind to keep calm. We control our responses. When we are disturbed we increase our alertness and it is something going on inside us, not other people.
Step ten is all about working on what disturbs us today. We might be angry by a confrontation, we might be happy by a chance meeting with a friend. Both feelings tell what is going on. Then we can work out why we respond well to happiness and why we feel the need to push away the confrontation with something or a parson we would avoid.
Avoidance
Is easier sometimes, if we can avoid pain we will. Natural, at the same time if we are in pain because something is happening over and over again, we need pay attention to the cause. The cause of pain is inside us and not in other people usually. We often pretend and put on the brave face, it is a moment to cover up so we do not have to deal or confront.
Anger and Resentment
Are always a moment away, annoyance at our denials can build when we let ourselves down and do not find courage and esteem to deal with people and places.
I feel my feelings today!
And I need to take account of what my feelings are. The why of how I feel is important when life is good or bad, to understand that my feelings are about what is happening to me now, and not pulling me back into history or a fear of some future event.
Ego, Fear and a Brave Face
With fear inside me, I can put on a brave face and my brittle ego will cover me up today.
Courage Faith and Confidence
With faith in the next actions I need take today, enough courage and support to keep confidence, and then I can meet my challenges as they happen.
Often what we fear is fear and not what will happen next. Imagination can be a difficult gift and we need it to make progress, simple progress and not perfection…
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AA Daily Reflections ~ "CURBING RASHNESS when we speak or act hastily or rashly, the ability to be fair-minded and tolerant evaporates on the spot. TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 91
Being fair-minded and tolerant is a goal toward which I must work daily. I ask God, as I understand Him, to help me to be loving and tolerant to my loved ones, and to those with whom I am in close contact. I ask for guidance to curb my speech when I am agitated, and I take a moment to reflect on the emotional upheaval my words may cause, not only to someone else, but also to myself. Prayer, meditation and inventories are the key to sound thinking and positive action for me."
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October 12 2007
DonInLondon - ‘Day In the Life’ Mea Culpa
Who Am I?
A good question. I know more about who I am these days and what I stand for. I was always sure of how to be myself in my early years? To a large extent I knew what fitted me, open honest, fair as can be and trying to live to integrity. Easy how words form and the ideals we have are made, then of course life happens.
I know I saw how life was unfair most of the time. Anyone who sees the way our living is made, the difference and the varying wealth enjoyed by a few and not by the many. At least in my eyes I could see the value of hard work and reward for it. I always loved my work, whether it was a lorry driver, a handyman, a big shot in a small pond, or just a big shot in my own head. There was a lot of ego learned from my Dad, who had the solutions and no power to change much of anything.
Solutions
And truly one solution seemed to resolve most of the hard feelings about life for me, that solution was alcohol in the end. Ironic, as my Dad laboured as hard as anyone I have ever met, he was crushed too many times and ended up with the disease of alcoholism. That final solution killed him too early. And for me? I had followed the same path in truth. Work as can be described can consume and become an obsession. As that obsession led to a nervous breakdown in the end, so I too found alcohol offered oblivion from shattered dreams.
I write this having just explained some of what happens when we are bullied.
Bully
Like any other label we have, a bully is made by their environment. And for many years, I either ignored or managed myself around bullies and got on with my life. And yet looking back I realise the final straw leading to my complete meltdown was because of bullying and what it did to me.
As I was bullied, and it’s a subtle process we don’t see straight off, I started to become one as well. This is over a decade ago. And now looking back with a different outlook I can see the long walk to ruin, bullying, drink and a life of nightmares. I played my part in it of course, others had their part in it too.
So two videos this morning, to let out a little more about me and my life.
Today
I don’t bully, me in particular. And if ever I do, it feels like the end of the world. And I snap out of it. I am content to move with equanimity to be equal, to be courteous, to be friendly and be myself.
As the videos give all the answers I will not elaborate further in writing today about bullying.
Sufficed to say, any human will adopt the behaviour of others as others have the power and control, the ability to manipulate. All these qualities are rife in society, as society flounders often and cannot make sense of anything, least of all their behaviour.
Great care with others and being sensitive to how people are is helpful. We need not ever try change the behaviour of a bully, we need find a way forward without them. We have one life. I need not waste it on changing anyone, that is their journey and not mine. And having said that I remain true to ideals of challenge and support. The caveat is to know ourselves well enough and draw a line in how we behave and stay true to ourselves.
12th October 2006 [all about last year]
Here is a question asked this morning from a doctor I know, which puzzles many, and hopefully helps understand my progression over recent years
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Don
[from an email to me],
I absolutely agree with you - doctors are too arrogant by half! we are gifted with half knowledge by our medical schools and we are constantly trying to insist we know everything ;-)
What happened to you that you ended up in a homeless unit ? after all being a management development consultant in the City?
Sorry you don't have to tell me - none of my business
best wishes
XXXXXX
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Subject : How Does a Management Consultant End up in Earl's Court Homeless - Smiles here [or maybe a grimace]
Hi XXXXXX,
Now that’s an interesting question and I am very open about it. I was head of training and Development for an International Reinsurance Company, as well as a consultant on Step Change in Organisations and People Development. Change Management and all that stuff too. And a Business School link manager and MBA coach. And other associations with other organisations I cannot share about. It was a busy life.
Anyway, what happened?
Wrong place, wrong boss, overworked, and a big, big problem I knew too much which made it and impossible situation to live with. So I had conflicts so large it made me ill and had a nervous breakdown.
There was a lot of nasty stuff but time has passed and telling it all again does no good. What I was unaware of, simply because I had lived with it for so long, was depression underlying much of my adult life. And being very “British” and “stiff upper lip“, I lived with it till it was unbearable. And wanted to be dead.
Which was unacceptable simply because others would be affected. Dying was my best option, living and trying again was not for me, but for others. And as the façade of my life crumbled. Big mortgage, big income, then contracts were ended when two businesses got taken over, no cash flow, debt was piling up, did the right thing for creditors and my view on obligations, sold up when to hide away for a while, most of 1998. And really found out what depression can do. Made worse after a year or two of abstinence from booze and trying to be normal, by drinking myself stupid some years later in 2001-03.
Then to my utter relief I crossed the line to alcoholic and got into recovery. While being an alcoholic is very undesirable, I consider myself lucky as I would have killed myself otherwise. And as things are, in recovery it’s much better than the option of not being here at all. Still have depressive episodes which don't always respond to medication, but live with it.
I am missing out horrid stories and awful jobs and some homeless bits along the way, and then rehab, self-discharged and homeless and Kings Cross B&B. And then B&B Earls Court, evicted twice as charities folded or B&B‘s closed down, and now still in emergency homeless and quite ok where I am and living on minimum benefits.
Type 1 Diabetes
Came along in sobriety, as did real nasty prolonged deep depression. And so did recovery and AA, which has meant I am able to keep going a day at a time. AA is cathartic and very, very good at keeping my regime on track. Now have diabetic neuropathy as well, and something not right with my left hip, but will see about that next Monday. Year three of sobriety by the way, which is excellent and the only reason I am still in the land of the living.
I do keep up to date with the world and write a lot as you have no doubt found. And also was a counsellor of sorts, having done a lot of this in business life and was trained via various providers and institutes. So you can imagine, I was very good at avoidance of my own problems by helping others along the way, knowing their insides when I was in denial about my own.
As to the GP problem and my problem with my GP is 50%the GP/50% me in hindsight. Apparently this situation going to resolve itself, as the practice is being sold on to new people. So with luck I can start afresh. And be a new patient, and very patient, patient. I don't feel there is any mileage in hurting reputations or people, who may know better now anyway, even if I cannot deal with them myself. And if they don't know better, truthfully, someone like me is probably not your standard patient anyway.
Hope this helps understand the journey, or has been said to me, how I worked my way into the gutter, it’s not really very nice to happen to anyone and I never expected to end up this way. So that's how my cards were dealt, and now I am doing all I can to keep the boat floating. And you never know what might happen next...
best wishes Don
Just For Today And Every Day, Cherish Always...
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AA Official Online Site: Daily Reflections
AA Official Online Site: Big Book And Twelve And Twelve
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Step 10 "Although all inventories are alike in principle, the time factor does distinguish one from another. There's the spot-check inventory, taken at any time of the day, whenever we find ourselves getting tangled up. There's the one we take at day's end, when we review the happenings of the hours just past. Here we cast up a balance sheet, crediting ourselves with things well done, and chalking up debits where due. Then there are those occasions when alone, or in the company of our sponsor or spiritual adviser, we make a careful review of our progress since the last time. Many A.A.'s go in for annual or semi-annual house-cleanings. Many of us also like the experience of an occasional retreat from the outside world where we can quiet down for an undisturbed day or so of self-overhaul and meditation.”
October 2012 | AA 12 Steps In Action | Step 10 The Now Inventory
Alcoholics Anonymous | Step Ten Reading Video Link:
October 2012 | Video Reading How It Works:
October 2012 | Video Reading Into Action :
October 2012 | Playlist All About Step Ten :
I do not speak for Alcoholics Anonymous I speak for myself. Alcoholics Anonymous is a fellowship of unique and authentic people who speak for themselves where they will to share experience, strength and hope about recovery on a daily basis. Anonymity affords sanctuary to find how to live sober and be open, honest and willing to learn life day by day. For me "truth," "love" and "wisdom" offer the best spiritual experience by living reality today. Into the fabric of recovery from alcoholism are woven the Twelve Steps and the Traditions: steps to be open, honest and willing to learn, traditions to live unity, service and recovery.
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Spiritual principles ~ Forgiveness Acceptance Surrender Faith Open-mindedness Honesty Willingness Moral-inventory Amends Humility Persistence Spiritual-growth Service
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About Psychosis And Depression:
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