Alcoholics Anonymous Blog October 8 2014 “Reality Check”
Step ten, the anytime anywhere personal inventory! What is my part in what is going on right now? Wherever I am, whatever I am doing, I am present with everything else that is going on. Sometimes we find ourselves in difficult circumstances, simply just by being there. And sometimes we might be the right person in the right place, the wrong person in the wrong place, in the best of company or the worst of company. And what we do sometimes will bring back benefits through inclusion and participation, other times we might find a way to withdraw without causing a commotion which will render us in the wrong.
Oddly enough, in recovery our decision-making process can be very good even under difficult circumstances, by being able to spot what is going on. And walking away from certain situations, especially when it involves romance or finance, well, I may be old and daft as a brush, some of the time, my gut reaction tends to keep me safe these days. Part of me wants to be a trader and learn how again, the bigger part of me sees the addiction involved right in front of me. And regarding romance, the door is always open because partnership is always going to be fun. Fortunately the good news is even though I am a single person, these days I am in a complete and secure position emotionally and spiritually to "face the fear and do it anyway?" We never know!
I suppose the philosophy I am learning one day at a time, especially with step ten and the emotional spiritual path, we can have fun, we can be included and happy as singular individuals, individuals in partnership and whatever feels right. Of course any relationship, from acquaintance, to platonic and deep friendship, through to partnership becomes enriching however the cards fall for us. And something I have learned over the years and heard again recently, even if we have a relationship or partnership, in order that that can happen, we need keep every friend we have so we don't become co-dependent upon another. And of course, life is about breakdowns on a daily basis, and reconciliations as time affords. And given my propensity to be wrong, tolerance, love and understanding are important in so many ways.
Step six defects of character, the emotional and spiritual: being overwhelmed by fear pride and ego. When I say overwhelmed, fear pride and ego running rampant will lead to anger and resentment if unchecked. Trying to do step tens and any form of amends where fear pride and ego are dominating our emotional state, will not be very helpful.
Step seven shortcomings, the emotional and spiritual: lacking in courage to change, little or no faith in doing the next right thing, and lacking in self-confidence will leave us raging in the dark if we're not careful. I never knew about rage, I did not have that part of me open before recovery. My rage was turned inwards and I drank away the feelings before, because it must've been me and my inabilities to cope which were the issue. In other words it was always me, me and me again who had to try and solve what happened next. A decade of sobriety will not expunge feelings in the moment of now, indeed I do not need to suppress how I feel, and I need to learn how to live with them when life is difficult.
These days, step ten is the saviour in many instances, because I know my part in matters usually and even now I can be timid around some relationships, simply because I don't wish to get involved. Because the price of involvement leads me back to old habits. I used to be good counselling others, and it has taken me quite a number of years to let go any formal urge to go back to that discipline. I know I burnt out, and going back into those conundrums simply would not do for me. It is far easier to be a fellow amongst fellows and if there is something useful to share, it can be taken in the context of many sharing and absolutely not just me! That is within Fellowship, outside Fellowship is a different matter, and there are many instances where real-life is indeed difficult. And I smile at this, because life is what it is on a daily basis.
Emotional and spiritual: a minor nervous breakdown on a daily basis can be a really good adjustment to the reality of now. Saving feelings up for later, in other words walking away and feeling wrong about a situation does nothing to improve our overall outlook. Far better to say out loud, "I don't feel right about the situation," may open the door to discussion, or a close down by another who is unable to engage. Whichever way things go, we are guided by our feelings and the feelings of others. When it comes to work and commitments, it does become very difficult sometimes. Just because it's difficult we don't have to remain silent and walk away, we can find better solutions and opening of the doors to success. Freedom of choice is hard-won, and it does take more than one day to evolve and find our freedom in this world.
Step Ten Reading 12 & 12
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