Alcoholics Anonymous Blog October 16 2014 “Reality Check”

Alcoholics Anonymous Blog October 16 2014 “Reality Check”

 

Video October 16 Video

Video October 16 Video

 

It may be my step ten revision month, "continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it." And then out of the blue, and without any conditions, a very important person in my life decided to make amends to me as part of their step nine, "made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others." I was truly amazed, and humbled, and something I never imagined.

 

For anyone to make amends is truly amazing, because we are on a path which requires courage, faith and confidence. Fear, pride and ego do not have a place when making amends, but when we practice these principles, it can be very difficult without help or support. And we need guidance usually from another human being, when it comes to understanding that amends are not about what they did, it is about what we did. And sometimes, making the amends only becomes possible when we have completed step four, understood through step five our impact and our part in matters. And really understanding step six, the defects are always with us and available to justify our part in matters.

 

The very important person who made amends to me, is immersing themselves in recovery. And the truth of recovery is understanding what happened in the past and what was driving us crazy and making very prejudicial judgements. In recovery we learn all about the nature and disaster addiction causes. I know I was an incomplete person under the influence. And the amend made to me was all about not really understanding what I was going through. And it is only in recovery often that amends can be made to clear the wreckage of the past. I never expected or anticipated any amends being made to me and it was overwhelming and a gift given with love.

 

Indeed, I need make amends to this very important person as well, because both of us had been disabled for many years without realising it, by the worst of all diseases, the disease which impacts so deeply on the psyche, we deny we have it in the first place. This particular amend to me I hope opens the door to a big part of life which I thought had been lost forever.

 

And I am hoping that in time, another set of amends may happen which are nothing to do with me, and actually may be more important in the lives of very important people in my life. It’s not the sort of thing which happens overnight, it is all about living amend we make in recovery by being sober and learning how to be included again. And I'm hoping that amends will bring important people in my life together once more. But I can't make it happen, and it would be wrong for me to influence anyone involved. Let time and inclination, and a growing understanding happen. Anything I might do could undermine outcomes even though they may impact on me greatly.

 

Step Ten Reading 12 & 12

Step Ten Reading 12 & 12

 

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Alcoholics Anonymous Blog October 13 2014 “Reality Check”

Alcoholics Anonymous Blog October 13 2014 “Reality Check”

 

Video October 13 Video

 

A few days of meetings, and our outlook might improve? Absolutely true for me these last few days. Sometimes we get hot and bothered, angry and resentful because the world just does not work. Not only is it not working, sometimes it seems that the whole world has no clue what it's doing to me! And writing that makes me laugh.

 

October being my step ten revision month, making amends as I go, I forgive everybody everything, and if it doesn't work today, "fuck them," and try again tomorrow. Actually most days, there are no lingering feelings of anger and resentment, because I am learning more about acceptance of life on life's terms with every second that passes. Somewhere it says something about, "if I do not know what's right for me, how on earth can I know what's right for you?" And this was very relevant in meetings over the last week or two.

 

Part of recovery is asking for help, and the way we give feedback to people or anyone who asks for help need really be based on a realistic approach in the moment of now. And if I am not sure what's right for me, and somebody asks for help, probably the best response is to have a discussion rather than pollute another person with our outlook on life. But of course people in recovery can overstep and judge harshly and tell people how to improve their lives. Of course there is peril, in being a know it all, and I witnessed just how angry a person can become, when the suggestions which might have been useful were replaced with dogmatic and irrelevant criticisms.

 

Even when a person may have over twenty years of recovery, they still must not judge others, or they get judged and sometimes might get a bloodied nose as a result. Fortunately that did not happen, but on this occasion I could have understood, one person resorting to the worst behaviour, following a very unpleasant and uncalled for set of remarks of a personal nature. Even if the remarks had any truth in them, in my humble opinion that sort of opinion and criticism is that of a self-righteous bully. Self-righteous self-belief does not mean that the person with self-belief and self-righteousness is in any way qualified to inflict their outlook and judgemental incompetence on another. I had teachers who used to do this, and I became gifted in the dumb insolence department as a result.

 

I am always grateful to be reminded that our fellowship is about emotional and spiritual well-being and development. We were reading through step twelve earlier, and it always strikes me that the steps as written, they offer a way to live in the moment of now. And in step twelve, the reading is about all the steps working to enable anyone anywhere to make the best of reality, and try live in the present moment. And in particular, we learn the answers to life as we go along through experience. And the spiritual angle is about living in the ever present moment, not in our history and not wishing for a future without any foundation in reality. In other words we are not God, and we can make the best of what is, rather than puzzle over our lack of godlike qualities.

 

The steps are not hierarchical, and having learned about the steps, we do not reach a pass or graduation point. Indeed the best way the steps work is graduation sober for a whole day and the opportunity to start over the next day. Whatever our useful endeavour may be, family, work, connections and affiliations, the answers to life happen as we go along. Old solutions are out of date often as soon as they have worked, because life moves on and our reality changes. So the idea or notion that we can do the steps and forget them simply will not work. The steps are like pontoons, loosely held together on an ocean of alcohol. And the wonder of life is how we continue to find balance in this very difficult world.

 

Step Ten Reading 12 & 12

Step Ten Reading 12 & 12

 

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Alcoholics Anonymous Blog October 8 2014 “Reality Check”

Alcoholics Anonymous Blog October 8 2014 “Reality Check”

 

Video October 8

 

Step ten, the anytime anywhere personal inventory! What is my part in what is going on right now? Wherever I am, whatever I am doing, I am present with everything else that is going on. Sometimes we find ourselves in difficult circumstances, simply just by being there. And sometimes we might be the right person in the right place, the wrong person in the wrong place, in the best of company or the worst of company. And what we do sometimes will bring back benefits through inclusion and participation, other times we might find a way to withdraw without causing a commotion which will render us in the wrong.

 

Oddly enough, in recovery our decision-making process can be very good even under difficult circumstances, by being able to spot what is going on. And walking away from certain situations, especially when it involves romance or finance, well, I may be old and daft as a brush, some of the time, my gut reaction tends to keep me safe these days. Part of me wants to be a trader and learn how again, the bigger part of me sees the addiction involved right in front of me. And regarding romance, the door is always open because partnership is always going to be fun. Fortunately the good news is even though I am a single person, these days I am in a complete and secure position emotionally and spiritually to "face the fear and do it anyway?" We never know!

 

I suppose the philosophy I am learning one day at a time, especially with step ten and the emotional spiritual path, we can have fun, we can be included and happy as singular individuals, individuals in partnership and whatever feels right. Of course any relationship, from acquaintance, to platonic and deep friendship, through to partnership becomes enriching however the cards fall for us. And something I have learned over the years and heard again recently, even if we have a relationship or partnership, in order that that can happen, we need keep every friend we have so we don't become co-dependent upon another. And of course, life is about breakdowns on a daily basis, and reconciliations as time affords. And given my propensity to be wrong, tolerance, love and understanding are important in so many ways.

 

Step six defects of character, the emotional and spiritual: being overwhelmed by fear pride and ego. When I say overwhelmed, fear pride and ego running rampant will lead to anger and resentment if unchecked. Trying to do step tens and any form of amends where fear pride and ego are dominating our emotional state, will not be very helpful.

 

Step seven shortcomings, the emotional and spiritual: lacking in courage to change, little or no faith in doing the next right thing, and lacking in self-confidence will leave us raging in the dark if we're not careful. I never knew about rage, I did not have that part of me open before recovery. My rage was turned inwards and I drank away the feelings before, because it must've been me and my inabilities to cope which were the issue. In other words it was always me, me and me again who had to try and solve what happened next. A decade of sobriety will not expunge feelings in the moment of now, indeed I do not need to suppress how I feel, and I need to learn how to live with them when life is difficult.

 

These days, step ten is the saviour in many instances, because I know my part in matters usually and even now I can be timid around some relationships, simply because I don't wish to get involved. Because the price of involvement leads me back to old habits. I used to be good counselling others, and it has taken me quite a number of years to let go any formal urge to go back to that discipline. I know I burnt out, and going back into those conundrums simply would not do for me. It is far easier to be a fellow amongst fellows and if there is something useful to share, it can be taken in the context of many sharing and absolutely not just me! That is within Fellowship, outside Fellowship is a different matter, and there are many instances where real-life is indeed difficult. And I smile at this, because life is what it is on a daily basis.

 

Emotional and spiritual: a minor nervous breakdown on a daily basis can be a really good adjustment to the reality of now. Saving feelings up for later, in other words walking away and feeling wrong about a situation does nothing to improve our overall outlook. Far better to say out loud, "I don't feel right about the situation," may open the door to discussion, or a close down by another who is unable to engage. Whichever way things go, we are guided by our feelings and the feelings of others. When it comes to work and commitments, it does become very difficult sometimes. Just because it's difficult we don't have to remain silent and walk away, we can find better solutions and opening of the doors to success. Freedom of choice is hard-won, and it does take more than one day to evolve and find our freedom in this world.

 

Step Ten Reading 12 & 12

Step Ten Reading 12 & 12

 

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Alcoholics Anonymous Blog October 7 2014

Alcoholics Anonymous Blog October 7 2014 “Reality Check”

 

Video October 7 Video

 

Things that go bump in the night. There was some sort of ruckus in the early hours, shouting and door bashing going on. And then everything went quiet again. I still don't know quite what went on, but when I got back from the early morning meeting, an ambulance was parked outside and a police van was observing the comings and goings in my apartment block. Of course I'm interested, at the same time maybe one day I will know the answers, but not today.

 

Good news about my mum, able to get back home and discharged from hospital. An underlying heart condition was probably aggravated by giving my mum contra-indicated medications. At eighty-two years of age, a developing heart condition, eye drops for glaucoma, hip replacements, arthritis, and all the rest… Anyway we spent an hour on the phone, and completed quite a difficult crossword puzzle. And a particular clue which had an answer of "rigor" is quite relevant: shivering or trembling, which might also be sometimes known as "rattling." Although not necessarily used as a term for withdrawal from alcohol or drugs, "rigor" might be a good word to use or adopt.

 

Step ten month: making amends and everything else, step ten won't work very well without a gratitude list accompanying anything that is going on. Gratitude for being alive, gratitude for being able to experience life and feelings fit with reality. Which means that sometimes we are angry and resentful, when life feels unfair. Which is where step ten is so useful to break the pattern of ingratitude. Even though we might get angry and resentful, and fear pride and ego may come up and cause difficulty, gratitude often opens the door to changing our outlook and attitudes. It is of course the difference between step six bothering us and our defects becoming more active, and step seven where we can find the courage to change, faith in doing the next right thing, and developing our confidence even when life is truly difficult. Asking for help and expressing what is going on is always part of the answer.

 

Early morning meetings, and understanding the way fellowship helps us develop inclusion rather than isolation really works well. And because this is a well-established room where more than one Fellowship holds morning meetings, the crossover and the understanding I am developing is proving to be very helpful. Learning about our fellows, and the similarities and not the differences is profound. We keep on learning from each other no matter which fellowship may be more dominant in our lives. Immensely grateful I am.

 

I am enormously relieved that my mother is still alive and kicking. Simply because she has more to do and more life to live. And by making the most of what she can and cannot do, and the wisdom to know the difference, is inspiring to me. And I have good relationships within the family, even though we are not joined at the hip, because as a family we have very different outlooks and experiences, I for one value the diversity even though sometimes it may feel adversarial some of the time. Certainly we cannot choose our family, and valuing the differences is another place of acceptance and gratitude. Maybe because I have always been nonconformist, not because I chose nonconformity, simply I did not follow the pattern which might have been expected. And similarly, the same can be true of other outlooks in the family and their expectations of me. Tolerance and love, it's all part of step ten!

 

It's okay to be me today.

 

Step Ten Reading 12 & 12

Step Ten Reading 12 & 12

 

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Alcoholics Anonymous Blog Video October 6 2014

Alcoholics Anonymous Blog Video October 6 2014

 

Video October 6 Video

 

Yes October all about step ten, at the same time the impact of step six and seven is a lifetime and life changing understanding of how to approach life. I speak for myself of course, not you, like me you are learning what works just for today.

 

The impact of step six on daily life, where troubling times or even wonderful times can evoke all our defects of character: excessive fear, putting on a brave face as we say in England, "a stiff upper lip." And the horribleness of ego can come to the aid of happy or unhappy situations.

 

The impact of step seven on daily life, as suggested in the twelve and twelve, like step six, "contingent on the day we ask!" Whatever we are doing, we are probably better facing the truth of now, and step seven: courage to change, facing doing the next right thing and learning what it is to be a human being making mistakes and not knowing the answers, which is all about confidence to explore the world and everything it has to offer.

 

I was very fortunate this morning to get to a meeting, and being able to listen to step eleven being read out by everyone: "sort through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood him, praying only for knowledge of his will for us and the power to carry that out." And prayer is about seeking the question and sharing the truth, meditation is about reflection on our current state, and what is going on. Step six and step seven always impact on step ten and eleven because depending on our current state of mind, step six defects will undermine step ten and step eleven, because we are still angry and resentful about something which brings up fear pride and ego?

 

Step seven is the lifesaver on a daily basis. And step seven is connected to all the steps and how we approach life. Especially with step ten: if we are willing to have the courage to check reality and see what we need to change in ourselves, faith in being open and honest with the world and ourselves, then we will find confidence growing, until of course we get a setback, make some more mistakes and then gain confidence again by doing something new or different. And the same applies to prayer and meditation, step eleven is not going to really work very well if was still full of defects and feelings which cannot be ignored, because fear, pride and ego are real. At the same time if we contemplate what's going on and how we might approach things differently, the first thing we might want to do is ask for help in whatever practical way we can. Phone a friend, reach out, always get to a meeting if you can, and see what is possible rather than going round in circles about things we are powerless over and cannot control: namely, everything outside our heads.

 

I love these morning meetings, indeed I like all meetings, even when they bring out my defects of character, because I know I still have them and I can still laugh about it with other people. I am by no means perfect and I don't know what's right half the time for myself let alone anybody else. Which brings humour into the equation always, and there is always a better way than mine if I choose to share my troubles in a level and appropriate way through courage, faith and confidence.

 

Step Ten Reading 12 & 12

Step Ten Reading 12 & 12

 

Alcoholics Anonymous Videos, AA is for Alcoholics, AA 12 Steps, Addiction And Recovery, DonInLondon, Don Oddy,

Alcoholics Anonymous Blog October 2 2014

Alcoholics Anonymous Blog October 2 2014

 

Video October 2 Video

 

Step ten! "Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it." Part of my step ten daily is to continue to remind myself that I need routine, or I lose sight of the freedom I have to be me. Self-maintenance is critical and meetings are simply a part of life. I'm just back from a meeting, an early-morning one which continues to inspire through listening to the experience strength and hope of everyone sharing.

 

Step twelve was read out in its entirety. It is a long read and was well read by another fellow in the fellowship. Sometimes different words, different sentences hit home and the principles become more solid as we experience life. I was in a rush to be sober when I first came to Fellowship and then found myself in recent years, hoping that the time in recovery would slow down, simply a selfish desire to experience more sober time and sober experiences. The freedom to live in reality, unimpaired mentally and really feel everything in the moment of now.

 

Listening to newcomers, extraordinary experience of life on the frontline of recovery. There is nothing shocking, when we listen to newcomers, it affirms we were able to choose sobriety rather than a life of living hell cut short inevitably. And when we share, we are reminded of where we came from, and just how difficult it is to be a newcomer and have empathy for everything they are now experiencing. Someone next to me was clutching a mini big book, brand-new, I asked them if this was their first copy. It turned out they had lost their original on holiday and it was a replacement. I shared with the person that I carried around a twelve and twelve usually, and happily this person does exactly the same as me. Good and comforting to know I'm not the only one.

 

Getting back into a regular habit, with the same regular inhabitants in meetings is really good. The connections that we make hold us together, and also make us see the reality of all living and all its complications. When we share the truth in our experience strength and hope, sometimes we strike a chord with the newcomer and regular friends. We never know usually, because we are quick to leave, and I do stay and around for the meeting after the meeting just outside. People go for coffee afterwards, and I wonder if I would be welcome. There is only one way to find out, I shall have to go for coffee and see if I fit, without disturbing others with my presence.

 

Today I shared about the past, and in my long winded way, because I got a wave from the secretary to wind my sharing up, I did make a connection which helped newcomer. I was trying to express that all the success that preceded over the years really meant nothing because I could not feel right with life. And having had all the trimmings and accolades possible for doing good hard work in different industries, it was always driven by self-doubt, fear of being found out and striving for perfection. Oddly enough a person many years before asked me how I would forgive them by not being perfect. I never held people accountable or judged them badly if they were less than perfect. But I always held me to account, and strived to be perfect at everything until I burnt out and broke down.

 

People did their best to try help me on my way to ruin, and sadly the truth is no one can stop an addict being an addict. What we can do is try help a person find their path to sobriety. And there are as many ways as there are people who can help. And that is the good news. The bad news is that an alcoholic or addict may not find that person, place or thing at rock bottom, that connection. And the worst of news is being an addict in active addiction is a place of terrible denial for many, I know because I was in denial once I realised the affliction was in fact a disease. Is it any wonder that we who make it to sobriety cherish those who strive and those who live sober one day at a time?

 

Step Ten Reading 12 & 12

Step Ten Reading 12 & 12

 

Alcoholics Anonymous Videos, AA is for Alcoholics, AA 12 Steps, Addiction And Recovery, DonInLondon, Don Oddy,

Alcoholics Anonymous Blog October 1 2014

Alcoholics Anonymous Blog Video October 1 2014

 

Video October 1 Video

Video October 1 Video

 

Step ten! "Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it" what an order? There are no orders in recovery. October is all about step ten as part of my yearly walk through all of the steps on a monthly basis. And apologies for my absence over recent days and weeks. Even in recovery after ten years, sometimes anyone can hit a brick wall and wonder if we have anything to say.

 

A friend, a psychiatrist once said to me back in 1996, he told me that I had been suffering from an anxiety state, followed by a marked reactive depression, and was indicative of some sort of chemical imbalance. I suppose it is better described as a nervous breakdown and burnout. The denial around this particular state of affairs put me in harm's way, trying to be the man I used to be, and there was no hope of ever being that person again. A nervous breakdown and burnout will do that to anybody. So sometimes when I hit a brick wall, feel a bit out of it, a welcome break from some activities is necessary. Fellowship meetings or Facebook? I didn't feel able to do both, so meetings took a priority over anything I might try do.

 

And of course all the things I do, with regard to family, friends and supporting others is part of who I am. And at the same time when I cannot do something, for whatever reason, the serenity prayer always helps. An end to isolation, that is what Fellowship does if I engage and be part of something far bigger than me. That is the wisdom, the experience strength and hope I receive every single time I go to a meeting. It may not have been the wisdom connected with any problems I might have in that day, but it may be useful to other people I know, or indeed to me at some later date. The most important part of meetings is support, connection and sharing the truth as we see it right now.

 

Lucky me! It was a topic meeting, and I suggested "gratitude, even when life is difficult." And so it was me who shared first this morning. I was still shaking when I started speaking because I had just had what is known as a "hypo" caused by injecting too much insulin without eating my breakfast. So a spoonful of honey was necessary to bring my blood sugars back up to normal or even higher than normal. But the awful feeling of going unconscious was ebbing away. Sharing this, is part of the truth I face when I forget to do something like eat my breakfast first and then take my insulin to treat the type I diabetes condition. And of course sharing about family and the fact that my mother seems to be stable just now, and the medications are helping with her heart condition.

 

So gratitude even when life is difficult, which is really connected to living in the moment, step ten and emotional and spiritual well-being one day at a time. The absolute truth shared back to me and everyone, it was very helpful to know I wasn't the only one in the room with difficult life situations going on. Of course I can't share the specifics, but it really helped me realise just how difficult life is every day for everyone.

 

And in recent weeks I've come into contact with quite a few newcomers, which takes me back to steps 1 to 3 being so important in early days. Even though people are confused and cannot really understand Fellowship on first contact, once they realise that most of us are a friendly bunch, things start to happen and somehow sobriety begins for all our new people. Helping others is a restorative for anyone who is feeling "under the weather, all that life is difficult."

 

Step ten and gratitude, even when life is difficult feels like it is an essential part of everyday living. If I didn't have step ten, and an understanding about gratitude, life would not only be difficult, it would or could become impossible, because my thinking brain would overtake the emotional and spiritual which is the very essence of life itself. So easy to forget how to love, how to be loved back when we are stuck in the daily doings and forgetting that we are human beings first and foremost. And always just for today.

 

Step Ten Reading 12 & 12

Step Ten Reading 12 & 12

 

Alcoholics Anonymous Videos, AA is for Alcoholics, AA 12 Steps, Addiction And Recovery, DonInLondon, Don Oddy,