Alcoholics Anonymous Videos DonInLondon

Tuesday, 19 August 2014

Alcoholics Anonymous Blog Video August 19 2014

August 19 Video

Step six defects: trying to control the world. Step seven shortcoming: courage to let go. And in between we can still be trying to rule the world. Even when we think we are letting go, what are we letting go of? And are we sharing what we are doing with other people who may be involved. Saying to another person "I need to let go and I'm going to let go" is meaningless to them unless you explain exactly what you are up to!

An expectation that the rest of the world will magically know what we are trying to do, well that will not happen. The magic of letting go is asking for help, negotiating situations, expressing our feelings to other people and asking for feedback. This creates fear, because they may not understand letting go at all, and so our pride and ego will rise up in frustration, and then we try rule the world again. It does not work and only gives us the headache. We have to be explicit and express what is going on inside us first. Or the consequences are stepping back into old behaviour, and then worse, we blame ourselves first, and this opens the door to blaming the rest of the world all over again. A suicidal downward spiral into isolation can follow.

I was chatting to somebody outside Fellowship over the weekend, about forgiveness. And around romantic relationships. Romance, lust and attraction are maddening, especially if the other person feels the same way. A quick romp may be good for the ego, but it can lead to all sorts of consequences. I for one have fallen into romantic interludes in the past, some long-lasting and based on love, and far too many based on lust and attraction. It depends what is in our heart, and being very truthful in recovery, and understanding one another rather than making assumptions. Letting go and letting in love, it does happen!

Forgiveness: "forgive everybody everything, including ourselves on a daily basis, and if we cannot forgive everybody everything today, drop it until tomorrow and try again." Forgiveness is not forgetting, and forgiveness is simply acknowledging in the heat of the moment things can go wrong and choices may be very very bad. Of course choices could be good, bad and ugly and we need to remind ourselves why. Step two is helpful, stopping the insanity of doing the same old same old and expecting something different to happen. Forgiveness can be as simple as being in the wrong place at the wrong time and what happened. Or it can be as complicated and difficult to work out without asking for help. And even if we ask for help, forgiveness can take quite a while to understand. And every situation is different. And the consequences can be slight or life-threatening depending on the actions under consideration.

Trust God clean house. True depending on your beliefs and opinions. Surrendering to the truth, not just my version, I need to check out that the truth I am surrendering to is the truth as others may see it as well. So it's not just my outlook, surrendering to the truth everyone sees, everybody can have an opinion and an outlook which brings out the best option hopefully, if we are not trying to push our agenda against the rest of the world. Surrendering to the truth love and wisdom in the moment of now, the truth as other people see it, from people who may love us, we develop the wisdom of can do and cannot do in the moment, the reality of now. And that is very difficult, just as difficult as life itself. And worth the effort.

Emotional and spiritual development always happens in the moment of now. And when we look back of course, we can see better the options we had at the time. And if we put aside old expectations, if we put aside old resentments and anger, if we put aside those expectations gone and not achievable, we let go. We let go of the impossible, the impossible ideas we had which we never shared with anyone, and start sharing the possible ideas with other people one day at a time. We will all get shot down in flames some of the time by other people's reaction to our ideas, beliefs and opinions, and out of this we keep on creating space to make new and better ideas about now and the future. Once we stopped thinking that the world was flat, science and beliefs changed radically. And when somebody invented the light bulb, a lot of candle makers were very cross indeed, until they started selling light bulbs.

The heart wants what the heart wants. And this is true. But if the object [ideal person] of our passion desire and lust is firmly against this notion, the sooner we break out of the insanity, the sooner we can focus our hearts on the whole world, letting go and letting in the possibility of new relationships, which may go our way if we are open honest and willing to share the truth within. It will only become unacceptable truth by sharing. And then the merry-go-round can happen again in a different way. Starting with basic honesty about ourselves, and being able to share our absolute truth as much as possible. The hurt we experience is less the sooner we share our truth. From desire, to lingering unfulfilled thoughts and feelings, they become malingering and malignant in the dark of one's own mind. Blaming other people for not being cooperative, is not helpful especially when we do not share our truth. There are not many mind readers on Earth.

Step Eight Reading 12 And 12

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Monday, 18 August 2014

Alcoholics Anonymous Blog Video August 18 2014

August 18 Video

Making a list of amends and be willing to make them. This is all about keeping our side of the Street clean in the long-term. And at the same time, we need to ask ourselves just how much effort is required to change the beliefs and opinions of other people we might meet in life. Most people are reluctant to change their minds, change their attitudes and behaviour once they have established their own personal views about how to conduct themselves. Other people don't like criticism, even if it is said with love, because they have no concept of love at all! A lot of people simply carry on doing the same old same old through habit. I do hope some have a habit of learning to love.

Social media, it gives people a voice and sometimes that voice is contradictory to our own outlook. And that is a good thing. Because nobody has a monopoly on being right. Of course I could be wrong! Ram Dass used to say at the end of his lectures, "of course I could be wrong." And I know absolutely that some of the things which I believe in are completely wrong for other people. And this is a good thing in my opinion, challenge and disagreement need not lead to exile.

All feelings are good, some of our feelings are quite disagreeable because we have to confront issues. Best confront the issues in one's own mind first and ask for help, this might ensure some good challenges when life is disagreeable. Expression of feelings is extremely important, letting people know what's going on can be very helpful if it is done in a respectful fashion. Just because other people behave badly we don't have to join in do we?

Senior people within local government have completely ignored me in recent times, which in itself is dumb insolence in my opinion. But as a consequence of campaigning to stop my residence causing damage to another resident below, I am hoping that progress is being made to resolve an ongoing problem lasting several years. And they've even fixed, well they may have fixed my gas boiler as well. I hesitate in reporting this, because over the last five years, things have gone wrong after repairs have been completed, duplicated over and over, ignored, not resolved. I'm hopeful.

Meetings over the weekend have been very helpful, very informative, and very supportive through experience strength and hope of others and how their lives are today. Some people learning what it is to grieve, some people learning what it is to be careful of dangerous places which lead to dangerous thinking about alcohol. Some people just enjoying the sunshine in between the rain clouds. Most people, reasonably grateful to be sober one day at a time. The biggest amend to self, to stop drinking, and learn what sober living is all about.

What is sober living all about? Freedom of course. Freedom to be yourself and freedom to let other people be themselves. Freedom to enjoy family, career and work, new past times now that we have more time to enjoy whatever we choose to do. Many a time in my early recovery, I listened to people who shared that one hour in a meeting out of the day left twenty-three others for whatever we choose to do. It might seem like a nightmare in early recovery, to have all this time on our hands, and yet it doesn't take long to find that there are not enough hours in the day. And one hour a day, where we keep on learning about life and the possibilities is simply worth it, because we are worth it one day at a time.

This is a question which often comes up, "do I want to be right, or do I want to be happy?" Sometimes it is worth letting go being right, because in order to be right, changing the attitudes and behaviour of other people will take a lifetime. And if I need my lifetime to pursue whatever is important to me, sometimes even when I am right, I let it go, because happiness is far more constructive than the "destructive me" and the bitter taste of being right gives no pleasure at all.

I do find there are lots of things in recovery which are disagreeable. And I am sure my outlook will continue to be disagreeable to many who are not in Fellowship and who are in Fellowship. And this is good! Be disagreeable if needed, at the same time, agree to disagree because life is too short and why on earth should people agree with me on anything or everything? Nobody ought to give up their beliefs, unless those beliefs are harming themselves and other people? I don't know the answer other than the ones which come one day at a time. And I would not really want to meddle in the affairs of other people. We all have our journey of reality in the moment of now. How else would we learn?

Step Eight Reading 12 And 12

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Sunday, 17 August 2014

Alcoholics Anonymous Blog Video August 17 2014

August 17 Video

If we keep on changing our attitudes and behaviour to the good of living, as a consequence the probability is that life will get good, and our old attitudes and behaviour are likely to change. I keep going back to step six and step seven and what it means to me. Step six very often rears up in old attitudes and behaviour, bingeing on the wreckage of the past where everything became a negative and we had a right to be angry. And step seven, simply courage to change, faith in being open honest and willing to learn, and gaining confidence that out of adversity in recovery, there is much good to be found if only we can stop the addiction to our defects of character?

If we didn't have Fellowship, if we didn't have twelve steps, if we didn't have meetings, how on earth could we possibly learn the emotional and spiritual path of life? Emotional, our feelings in the moment of now, spiritual by experiencing reality as it is, sometimes overwhelming because we are still learning how to cope with life. Coping with our feelings in the moment of now, rather than going to extremes where frustration and anger can make anyone rage against the world. As if it was the world's fault? Always it is the actions of humans in the moment of now which shapes the nature of our emotional and spiritual journey. Spiritual learning in the moment of now, is good bad and ugly depending on the current conditions today.

Stopping self-harm is good and that is what the twelve steps helps us do. Stopping the harm to other people is another matter, because we can still judge the world very harshly, can still gossip, can do irreparable harm emotionally to other people, just because we are angry and resentful at the world, or and this is something many of us do, we still want to shape the world, we want the world to love us and see how good we have become, and pride ego and fear can masquerade under the guise of friendship. Learning to love oneself, is also reflected in how we treat other people. Some people are good, some people bad and some ugly or a mixture of these things given the current conditions today.

There is a difference between telling the truth and how we see situations, which does require common sense and judgement, and the other side of this which is about control manipulation and abuse. Telling the truth as you see it or I see it is the first part of getting to understand our own picture of the world. The other side of this is hearing the truth from other people, with whom we are involved. And sometimes we will have to agree to disagree, because that is the most acceptable thing to do. Just because we think we are right and may believe that we have found the answer, it does not mean that our answer to life's problems is going to work for another person. Other people, indeed I hope everyone finds their own personal outlook about how to live life, and experience every element of the emotional and spiritual journey. Defiance and stubbornness, just because that's your opinion, will tend to send you back to isolation, or the start of a cult which is very unhelpful to the rest of the world.

Having been to meetings recently, Fellowship prevails because we are able to share our opinions and our beliefs, usually without hindrance, and even if we don't like the outlook some people have, they are part of the teaching and learning we get one day at a time. Very often we might find ourselves sitting in our defects of character in a meeting, feeling explosive and hateful, and we forget to ask ourselves why do we feel this way? Often the answer is that somebody is treading on our toes in some way out in the world and even in a meeting! Step Nazis are hazardous and so is the Islamic state. When people tell me what to do I usually tell them to fuck off and mind their own business in Fellowship and with love. They are perfectly allowed to have their opinion and so am I. A bridge to modern living? Always when we are utilising the twelve steps for self-improvement and not for controlling the rest of the world, especially "Sponsee’s" who need their freedom of expression just like we do.

I'm still prone to people pleasing, and I need say no to something, because it is wrong for me. I will do this, I thought I could compromise, but truthfully just don't want to do something which will not improve me on my journey of living.

Quite strange really when we go to meetings we haven't been to for a while, we meet friends from quite a few years back. The good news, they are still alive and sober. And most have changed their outlooks and attitudes by living the emotional and spiritual journey with the twelve steps and twelve traditions supporting them in their activities, "in the real world of now." And the spiritual experience seems to be of the educational variety, learning by doing, life being the teacher and we are the students. And then there are those who are few and far between that cling to theory and what is written, rather than putting it into practice. Life needs to be lived in order to understand it and develop the philosophy which works for you as an individual. All the great books of history show just how much humans need to change even on a daily basis to improve the collective philosophy of life. When seduced and stuck in old beliefs, that the earth is flat, that the sun revolves around the world and the moon is made of cheese, these beliefs help no one. Mythology which inspires freedom, it can be quite helpful some of the time. As long as it doesn't get in the way of article 1 and human rights, and the freedom enshrined in constitutions, then human endeavour can go where it may and hopefully to the good of all and not just you or me.

Step Eight Reading 12 And 12

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Friday, 15 August 2014

Alcoholics Anonymous Blog Video August 15 2014

The master class of life, allow myself to learn a little bit more about who I am becoming one day at a time. Don't get in the way of other people learning about who they are becoming one day at a time. Trust to the truth, surrender to the truth of now. Every feeling, as they may be is an instrument of understanding. And we all need help understanding when life is unclear and that clarity is as sharp as it need be to make a point. And I am content in the moment of now. And if I have emotional breakdowns today, better to have them, rather than save them for a real rainy day.

August 15 Video

How am I feeling? Why and what can I do? Always a good start with H A L T. Do I feel hungry, do I feel angry, do I feel lonely and do I feel tired? Probably best way to start the day. It's obvious if we ask these questions, what we need to do. I don't feel hungry, plenty of porridge in me today, I don't feel angry even though repair works are ongoing in my abode, and I suppose I did have a moment of loneliness yesterday, but not today. I do feel tired because this week life has been disrupted by workmen and the fact that I needed to be here when they were here.

Education was heavily featured this week in the United Kingdom. Examination results for those wanting to get to university. Back in the day, I could have gone to the London School of Economics, which would have been prestigious. Unfortunately family needs made that possibility go away. But I do remember the excitement and the opportunity which was taken away because of adverse conditions at home. Seeing the brightness of people able to move forward is always good. Oddly enough, before getting my qualifications to go to University, I aspired to being a lorry driver, having a girlfriend, and the hobby of photography. Life took me in all different directions, two successful careers, burnout and breakdown, alcoholism, clinical depression, and in recovery type I diabetes, and a plethora of other conditions. I never went in the wrong direction, I realise now that life is serendipity and there is contentment in the journey these days, rather than the fear of screwing it all up.

I was fifty-eight yesterday, and thank you world that I'm still here. And these days life is one day at a time. The gift of being in the moment of now, not trying to control anything, not needing to cover up and resort to pride, ego and fear helps me find serenity on any day. Even when people this week have been drilling and creating noise, dirt and disorientation, life is far better than it's ever been. I don't drink alcohol any more, I don't need to medicate reality and dull my senses. I appreciate knowing my feelings, how my feelings impact on my thinking and the actions which can follow in the moment of now. What a gift! And this makes me smile, to have courage, faith and confidence to surrender to the truth of now.

I feel like step eight helped me a great deal, making that list of amends to everyone and being willing to make them. Understanding my human condition all the way to recovery was undermined by my inability to cope with my feelings on a daily basis. From having had a desire to be a lorry driver because I liked it, to having had the opportunity to continue education at universities and business schools which I came to enjoy immensely and two successful careers along the way, not sure I liked them so much, but I was good of them, to now where I belong. I feel better in the moment of now, I don't doubt myself, because if I do doubt myself or what I know, there is no fear in asking for help when I don't know the answers or even the questions most of the time. The journey is best savoured and understood right now.

I don't walk away from situations feeling wrong footed most of the time. If I feel wrong footed, I can say so, "I don't feel right right now, can we pause a moment?" This immediately takes the pressure off me for answers, and time to reflect on what might be the right questions with the help of anyone who might be handy and have some wisdom. And wisdom comes by surrendering to the truth of my ignorance, and other people might be in the same boat, and then we can both work on it together.

And so to today and step eight: forgive everybody everything, whatever they are up to, it is probably not my business. And when people let us down for whatever reason, those reasons are haunting them and not me. Forgiving is essential, if I can forgive myself for my inadequacies and defects of character, and work on my shortcomings on any given day, that is the best I can do. If I sit in judgement on other people who have let me down for whatever reason, I need to consider what expectations I might have and if they are reasonable. Life is the teacher, I am the student.

Step Eight Reading 12 And 12

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Tuesday, 12 August 2014

Alcoholics Anonymous Blog Video August 12 2014

August 12 Video

Robin Williams Farewell. I can be funny, and everybody might laugh, and still I don't feel it. Seems like it should be okay to be me in my head at least, and still there is a big gap yawning, like an abyss. Everyone knows the brave face I put on to show to the world, and when people know me and see me, the brave face stops them asking questions I don't have an answer for. And yet when I see them, I can see their expectations and my brave face responds to their needs. I don't want to fall apart in front of them, and share my darkness. Of course I could be wrong.

The high and the low of life, emotional rollercoasters in all directions. I feel that burnout, and fill the black with anything I can get a hold of, people, places and things to fill the torment of being alone in the best of all company, except for myself. I feel like I know too much about the world, and I cannot set it right, I might fill my time in good works and taking care and cherishing everything around me. And still I can be lost at sea, still not sure who I am and I cannot roll back the clock to start from the beginning again. I can relate to the world, and I can love the world, and still I don't know how to love myself enough to sit still and be able to see the beautiful world of now.

It takes a very long time to get off the rollercoasters of emotional ups and downs, because they are familiar. We relate to every emotional high and low, we may relate to it and yet we cannot feel it. It takes time to repair our emotional and spiritual life, there are no quick fixes. And as we get older, time to slow down and feel the emotional truth of now, we can be very impatient because time is running out. We can lurch at fulfilment that others may share, the inside job really does take whatever time it takes. And those moments of complete serenity are elusive to all mankind, tormented and driven mad by the day to day. Too much news, too much information driving our ideals of a perfect life.

The madness of trying to keep on doing what we used to do, as if that were the answer. I am not the man I used to be, and it's hard enough to be the man I am today. Unless of course I can let it all go and keep on going one day at a time. Are you, you still hoping to see the man I used to be? I can never be that man again, and yet my brave face, you will see that again and again because that is what you want. You get what you want and I am empty in the dark.

It took me a long time in recovery, and those fortunate that I heard the most hurtful words some years before from a doctor: "you will never be that man again, and you will never give service like you did before." It was a company doctor telling me that I would never be allowed to go back to work to do the job I had become so successful at doing in the world. And of course my denial was great, the brave face said you can, and surrendering to the truth many years later, I knew I could not be that man again. People talk of acceptance, and rarely get to experience it. The acceptance of starting over one day at a time. And even then we can still desire the infamy of the broken man we were back then in the day.

People have every capacity within when young. And then it seems humanity stretches each and every one of us in all directions. Some people quit when they've had enough and quite rightly. Some of us cannot stop and keep going beyond safe limits and into self-destruction. And going beyond safe limits for whatever reason usually involves self-destruction and destructive outcomes for all around. And still we put them on a pedestal, "the superhuman," and they meet our expectations until oblivion calls them to task.

I am lucky to be alive, no longer able or willing to meet the expectations of the man I used to be. And the great happiness which can be experienced in the moment of now, it is equal to every destructive moment of the past. And I have the good fortune to be able to see, to learn to be myself just for today. And if my brave face comes on to plague my present moment I need beware and ask for help. We will need time to rest, we all need time to recuperate so we can keep on learning. And it can be difficult when a world expects we need keep doing the same things over and over again for them, and there is nothing in that repetition for us. I am happy to be an ordinary man, it's quite extraordinary one day at a time.

Step Eight Reading 12 And 12

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Monday, 11 August 2014

Alcoholics Anonymous Blog Video August 11 2014

August 11 Video

Step eight: out of isolation, "made a list of amends and be willing to make them." I know I missed a few, and I know I need to keep on learning and have the courage to change, faith in doing the next right thing and be confident to have my own opinion, my own beliefs, which help me surrender to the truth of now. Where we are now is always the starting point. And I need to remind myself that pride, which arises when I feel entitled, that ego will flourish when I am hurt, and behind this is fear that other people treat me badly and I'm hurting as a consequence.

Today, workers coming to rip out my bathroom floor/walk-in shower floor, because it is leaking into my downstairs neighbour. I did not want them to come without somebody from the landlord coming to agree works that need to be done, following recent events which have nothing to do with a bathroom floor/walk-in shower floor, and that repairs need to be done in addition, and there will be some form of resolution to the satisfaction of the landlord's representative and me. One of the things that happened to me along the way to recovery was an HR director, who was my boss, who was the best bully I have ever met. And I had a nervous breakdown, because I challenged him, and at the same time I found myself becoming like him. The very opposite of open honest and willing to change.

My philosophy of life is to keep on learning, one day at a time. It requires humility, and confidence to make mistakes, challenge other people, and at the same time respect them, because they are on a spiritual journey themselves, even if they don't know it. So it is okay to have an opinion on how things need to be done, and it is perfectly okay to suggest that matters are written down, so we know what is expected and should happen. These things need to be done but will they be done? It is not my will, I am trying to educate myself about how others commission projects. How they do this is their business, providing it does not fail and interferes with me and my business. I don't know how many years it is, landlords can be very difficult when it comes to fulfilling their obligations.

My mum was okay over the weekend, heart and blood pressure more normal and my sister is making sure that mum feel secure enough to recover physically from the last few weeks and a heart condition which has developed. It is a worrying time, and I am glad I was able to go and see her last week. All about step ten, gratitude and keeping an eye on my behaviour, all about step eleven prayer and meditation based on my beliefs which are more Buddhist and Zen than anything else, oddly just like my mother! And step twelve, being able to share experience strength and hope, and simply learn how to be myself, open honest and willing, just for today.

I feel it's always good to go back and read the twelve steps and twelve traditions. And always good to go back and read the big book. So today is a good day to read again, step eight and tradition eight. And if I feel able, I will probably have a good read of the other steps as well.

From going to meetings every day for the first six months of the year, I have become involved in other matters, which is no reason to stop going to meetings. Regular meetings are really good fun, they open the door to accepting other people as they are. It is very easy to get judgemental for one reason or another, until we remember that as we point at one person and with one finger wagging at them, the other three fingers, they are pointing back at me. Grrr... :)

Step Eight Reading 12 And 12

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Friday, 8 August 2014

Alcoholics Anonymous Blog Video August 8 2014

August 8 Video

I travelled down to Bath Spa, to see my mum and my sister. Both of them are very okay with what has happened over recent times, inasmuch as they are coping with changes for my mum. Mum had breast cancer a couple of years ago and although she coped well and still takes medication, it has taken its toll. A recent heart condition developed, mum was in hospital for a few days, and now has more medication to take daily. Not very easy for an eighty-two-year-old, and it was just right to see her yesterday. Mum cried when I got there, and she said that she had missed me. We had a good time and the conversation between the three of us was very helpful. I needed to see her, my mum, and of course my sister, my sister being the person who has really helped mum going on a daily basis, physically and mentally. Even though we are in daily contact by phone, being there counted a great deal and more than I realised.

Every day, recovery is helping me deal with my feelings in the moment, and I keep on learning what I can do and what I cannot do and the wisdom to know the difference. Travelling anywhere is quite a chore. Having got to the bus stop yesterday, my walking capacities diminished very quickly, so I had to get a taxi to the train station. And these days the platforms for trains are very long indeed. Being a bit wobbly on my feet, the difference between the last time I travelled on the train to now is quite different. I do accept the difficulties I have, it made me very awkward physically, and the consequences are quite painful afterwards. Making the effort on my own, well, probably I would have been better escorted, and I wonder how I will do this again. I will of course do this again!

Yesterday was a scorcher! And I love hot weather, and how people are when the sun is out. And travelling albeit extremely uncomfortable, it is always a delight seeing people and the way they are. Train journeys these days, you have to have a booking and a reserved seat or there is no chance of any comfort. And people do not believe that seats can be reserved, and sometimes you have to turf a person out of your own reserved accommodation. It only took a gentle nudge and reminder, but in the past there has been downright refusal to move. Assertive skills are very important. And especially important, not to be aggressive when people start to act out and shout their entitlements. They too have paid!

On my way back home, I tried the tube, from blistering hot on the train, to refreshing air-conditioning in the London Underground when on the tube train, but not on the platform. The further I travelled on foot, the slower I got, and it is fascinating, because in the past I was a regular traveller on the tube. Thirty years ago, I would leap down the stairs, and run up the stairs. So the slow trudge yesterday, a reminder of times past and a wry smile, even though I was wincing in pain, that I am still alive if not kicking today. Very exhausting, and yet worth it to try. Sensibility would have been to get a taxi, but I just wanted to see people going about their natural doings and be part of the madding crowd.

Funnily enough, taking a journey and seeing the difference between how it used to be, and how it is today reveals all the changes age makes, and what happens to any human getting older and being able to understand the feelings that these changes make. I don't have any regrets, unless I consider what it would been like to be married and have children. By the time I got straightened out, it certainly went off the agenda. And rightly so in my opinion. There is sadness in those recollections, at the same time there are treasured and cherished encounters which I would not have had, had life turned out different. We are the best we can be, and sometimes looking back, if only we had been better informed? Looking back, I simply had what I had, and never asked for direct help or direction from anyone. How things change! These days I can ask for help and usually it comes in some form or another. And never to my timetable!

So important to keep in touch with those we love and cherish, one day at a time.

Step Eight Reading 12 And 12

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Wednesday, 6 August 2014

Alcoholics Anonymous Blog Video August 6 2014

August 6 Video

Keeping my side of the Street clean often requires a really big sweeping brush. First, I need to do this on a daily basis, which is step ten. Second, I need to be aware that things occurring today, events which include people places and things can stir up memories from the past, step four and step eight, for example the tape playing in my head can be, "here we go again!" Big boulders from the past might need a bit of "emotional dynamite" to shift my feelings and reactions to follow. Much of this has a lot to do with trust.

Trust: reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence. Often said within the Fellowship; "trust God, clean house." In essence in this case in my world, trust to God, surrender to the truth, love and wisdom of now. In surrendering to the truth, it is the truth learned through others and not just my opinion which counts most. Trust: in being open, honest and willing in all my dealings today. And the first casualty in conflict of any kind is truth.

Trust in people places and things, keeping my side of the Street clean and not judging others on their ability or capacities when I am living my twelve steps. What do I do when I know that for reasons of fear, pride and ego, that another person is being dishonest? And if a person is being dishonest about other matters, which do not directly involve me personally, how do I challenge and do I have a right to challenge their wrongful doings?

How do we trust people who have a long history of doing the wrong things for reasons they may feel are right? What about those who have an outlook formed over many years that it is okay to have an attitude of: "getting away with it." And if we are aware that some feel it is okay to get one over on other people, places and things, whatever their reasons, and then I trust them in their dealings with me, am I fooling myself that I am immune to being played, especially when they don't realise what they're doing? How do I keep my side of the Street clean?

The emotional and spiritual journey, feeling life right sized in the moment of now is often based on: hear no evil, see no evil and speak no evil. In other words gossip, even when it is based on truth can be very damaging. In order to keep my side of the Street clean, if anybody asks me to indulge in closed down, dishonest and old and unwilling behaviour, I can say no and keep my side of the Street clean. And I do not need to become enmeshed in dishonest behaviour, or I lose track of myself and the twelve steps. Same applies to the traditions. I am not the judge of others, they can be busy judging me and that's okay providing I am on my own open honest and willing path.

Emotional greed, wanting something that we have not earned through honest and painstaking endeavour. Starved of emotional connection, love and cherishing often causes people to act out in lust and passion. From having nothing, to gluttony, the extremes where there is no balancing between. Love and cherishing is something we develop, if we have that good fortune and are willing to put in the effort. Emotional balance between two people, is not about power and control, it is about freedom to be open, honest and willing in shared endeavours which become lasting adventures. It all takes time and endeavour.

Trusting others: and how on earth do people trust me? It is a journey of experience, and sometimes in the past, I have broken secrets when I have been heartbroken. Horrible. In recovery, when things are said in confidence, we have a duty of care to ourselves and those who are in our lives. And the best we can do is encourage people to be truthful to themselves and then face the impact of that truth based on their own principles and not my principles. Which is why a friend of mine often says that God is here to forgive, and it is not for me to judge. And around that there could be a discussion which would last for eternity.

Life is difficult, and to make it less difficult, surrendering to the truth is far more important than trying to excuse old attitudes and old behaviour. Stopping drinking as an addict or alcoholic is the first step and then we need to learn about sobriety. This is a daily journey which becomes more meaningful the more open honest and willing we are to surrender to the truth today. The dark secrets, the bending of truth leads to bending the world and taking from the world rather than giving to it, becoming a citizen of the world, rather than a taker from the world. When we take from the world without entitlement, just because we can, it undermines trust and integrity. We don't actually get away with anything, we do suffer when we try, because the first person we break trust with is ourselves. And when we break trust with ourselves, it is far easier to break trust with others as we undervalue life itself. You and if you are a

Someone I know used to say to me, there are eleven commandments and the eleventh is: "don't get found out!" There are only Ten Commandments which are very hard in themselves and the eleventh described here, "don't get found out!" It means that the Ten Commandments or whatever your principles of open honest and willing are undermined in everything you do. Far easier to work an open, honest and willing life, asking for help to find our way and surrender to the truth of now. If it cannot be done honestly under the current conditions today, better not to do it at all?

Step Eight Reading 12 And 12

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Monday, 4 August 2014

Alcoholics Anonymous Blog Video August 4 2014

August 4 Video

Eighth month, eighth step: listing amends and be willing to make them. How do we keep our side of the Street clean? It can be very difficult to keep our side of the Street clean when other people or organisations are throwing rocks and boulders onto it. A chance remark, it can undermine trust in other people very quickly. Just because they say they will, they can do, and all the evidence is to the contrary, at what stage do we keep on doing the same old same old, and as a consequence feel let down?

Trust and integrity, within the Fellowship the trust and integrity of each person is a personal journey. Whatever we say in meetings is supposed to stay there, the problem is we are all learning about trust, integrity, and confidentiality and keeping the Fellowship a safe place. I only share in a general way and never in a way which will break confidentiality or anonymity. To be anonymous is a personal choice. My anonymity was never something that could be sustained. And actually anonymity utilised in the wrong way is a really damaging and truly devastating activity. Gossip kills, and if gossip is received by the subject, it can cause relapse and worse isolation of a vulnerable person. I prefer to be open about who I am and what helps me on a daily basis, but it is not for me to breach or break personal anonymity of anyone else.

Gossip is devastating for a lot of people, Oscar Wilde suggested that: "There is only one thing in life worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about." When it comes to an ailment or disease, we don't expect the doctor to blurt out to everyone what is going on with us, and this is because there is a Hippocratic Oath, and a code of conduct. I don't mind personally if people know my medical history, because my medical history needs to be open in order that people have an idea of how to treat me when things can go wrong, and this can happen at any time and any day. And some of the things which have happened to me in terms of medical procedures are very funny in my opinion. For example, being examined by three medical professionals who happened to be very attractive women, who then had to insert a tube into my bum and inflate my intestines to take pictures of my insides. It was very funny at the time and thankfully they didn't find anything sinister. But part of the after-care apparently required me to expel the air before I could go home.

It was well put when the Fellowship was described as a spiritual kindergarten. Everything that we have suppressed over the years, mainly the emotions associated with past history often come flooding out with so much power, we are overwhelmed. I never knew the strength of emotions until I stopped self-medicating the emotional issues I had kept under wraps for so long. And sharing these feelings, as part of the emotional and spiritual journey is why sometimes we refer to the steps: "the steps are to stop us from committing suicide," and the traditions, "the traditions are to stop us from committing homicide." Learning our feelings on the emotional and spiritual journey is a daily progress. If we are fortunate we learn this emotional and spiritual journey as we go along, and we hear the experience, strength and hope of others. And because we find like-minded individuals in recovery, although we made do our best not to gossip, it is very likely that people will gossip. Or actually they may ask like-minded people for help to understand the experience strength and hope, because we are learning how to live all over again. Conversation to try relate and understand could be interpreted as gossip even though the intent is not malicious.

This spiritual kindergarten is just like normal life. Full of people doing the best they can in the moment of now. Some embrace the principles of open, honest and willing, trying to learn and be the person they really are. But there are people struggling, not only to stop drinking, they are struggling with sobriety. Emotional and spiritual living is not an easy path to tread. We work the steps every moment of every day to whatever degree of integrity we have developed. Overcoming fear of life itself is a dramatic change in outlook for some of us. Fear of living, fear of being inadequate, not good enough, a pariah in family and community are very difficult obstacles. And acknowledging these fears, it opens the door to try new ways of living. If we share that we are starting from scratch all over again, which is where I got to, I had nothing to lose and a great big empty space which in itself was quite frightening to start with. This was because I had a history of success as well as failure, comic and tragic events, in love then heartbroken, people dying, grief and acceptance. Never closure because I have learned and now understood how to cherish the memories and deal with the wreckage of the past. Step eight, the list and willingness starts with trusting it is okay to start life again.

Contingent on the current conditions today, my behaviour and my feelings will be impacted by events. The twelve steps, they are not tablets of stone, they are timeless principles which help us live depending on the current conditions today. And they do work in all elements of living. Depending upon how I feel in the moment of now, impacts on my thinking and then my actions. Life keeps on changing every day and if we are rigid, we will break. Somebody said: "I never have a bad day in recovery." I don't believe this to be true because we are all operating under the current conditions today. We will necessarily have ups and downs, experiences which are good bad and ugly and we will respond to situations based on our mood, our feelings which will impact on our feelings and then our actions. If someone says to you, "you haven't done the steps properly," it probably undermines your confidence. When people say this sort of thing to you please don't follow my example, because sometimes I say, "fuck off and mind your own business." I would rather listen to someone who has a good suggestion rather than somebody judging me and my capacities to live my life. I might not be very good at life sometimes, and I need to keep on learning and not hiding behind the steps as some rigid form of thinking or action. This is an emotional and spiritual journey, sometimes good, sometimes bad and sometimes ugly.

How am I feeling today? It's been a few days, in fact weeks since I reported the problems I have at home with my landlord not resolving issues. And so far the response has not been received. In the past I would have been annoyed angry and frustrated. But I have learned that big organisations will ignore anything that undermines their public perception, until they wear out their processes and procedures, all I need to do is follow their rulebook. So today one of two things can happen, they may ignore me some more, or offer some solutions. Presently, I really don't know their intentions if any. And I suppose they have conditioned me into believing that they will do nothing to help me with repairs and renovation required under law and a code of conduct they have. I have plenty to do and no real time to worry about it because it doesn't matter in the long-term. But it does impact on other people, who are bystanders and they are affected by the defects in the building.

Step Eight Reading 12 And 12

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