Alcoholics Anonymous Blog/Video Sept 19 DonInLondon Step 9 " Amends Into Action"
September 19, 2013: part of the living amend: "the grass is always greener on the other side…" Is the grass always greener on the other side? No matter where we go, we will still be there. Sometimes we do need to make moves, as long as we understand why from an emotional and spiritual point of view, and then think about it. Better people, better places and better things? Am I a more able person, where I am right now and doing the right things?
I have to remind myself about the past, and what happened over the years. Certainly a poor start for many reasons in my childhood and there is no blame attached to anyone or anything in particular until I got to school of course. And for whatever reason I really was unable to understand the rules of the game at school, at work, at college, then back to school, then work, then universities and polytechnics and then business schools. I would cooperate to find out what was going on, but always the heretic in me would operate within the law of the land, but failed to be the square peg in the square hole. Certainly a maverick, and a quick mind led to many adventures which were very successful. And of course my downfall. In the end though, I'm very happy to be me today, still outside the conventional and certainly a heretic. Amend to self, it's okay to be me.
And part of the living amend is being open honest and willing to change. That does not mean I am open and willing to change to suit you. And I certainly hope you are not willing to change to suit anyone, especially me. Be yourself? If you are anything like me, trying to identify who you are and me trying to identify who I am is something I can do in hindsight. So I am happy to recognise that I will know more about myself by the end of today.
Yesterday I wrote a report for the attention of the principal Doctor at my medical practice to review events over recent times and the failure of the practice to provide anything near an adequate service to me. This is an amend to myself, voicing my opinions and beliefs about the deficit in the medical practice services, the personnel, their Administration and IT function, I could go on, it would take 2000 words! I was on time: I waited but no sign of a doctor, consequently I left when the specified time ended. And I left my report with the practice, which I've also copied to the overseeing body of the medical practice. And I will be back seeing them on Monday. I wrote the report as factually as possible and expressed how let down I felt. I practiced the art of step ten, desist from pen and tongue for too long. When people have had reasonable and adequate time: to reflect, to feedback, to find agreement, to take action, well, time up.
I feel better, in the process of writing the report, it occurred to me I ought to get some more information to ensure that I was indeed right in my personal findings about my medical practice and its failures. I have been to various dispensing chemists to ask them if they would be happy to be my provider. All of them said yes until they asked me which medical practice I belong to currently. When I shared which medical practice would be writing prescriptions, all but one said they would rather not be involved, which is a polite way of saying, "not fucking likely!"
And so today how am I feeling? HALT: I am not hungry, angry, lonely or tired. I do have my usual complications going on, the good news is they are the usual complications over which I am powerless. And although I started writing with the comment or saying that the grass is always greener on the other side, I am not particularly confident and I don't have any expectations other than the people on the other side could be competent and efficient. My emotional and spiritual response to the current day and my personal situation is reasonably good. I could make matters worse by suggesting the Minister for health leaves a lot to be desired, writing a detailed analysis of the political system in the UK could cause a reactive depression, writing graffiti on the walls of the medical practice would make me a criminal even though it might be quite satisfying. So there are many things I prefer not to do today. Being a heretic and a maverick, I find this to be completely acceptable, and I can find ways to share my point of view without resorting to anything underhand or unhelpful to the general populace. In other words as always, the law of the land provides ample means and opportunity to share my views and opinions in a constructive way.
The very last thing I ever wanted to be in recovery was conformist. And thankfully the principles of the program have worked greatly in my favour and in favour of everyone I know. Everyone I know is finding out who they are one day at a time. Everyone I know is finding out what it is to be open honest and willing to change. Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. And many times we all make mistakes, learn, make amends and change. That is my experience strength and hope, and sometimes some people take years and years to experience the freedom of choice recovery offers on a daily basis. I hope it's good to be you, and thankfully it's good to be me, just for today.
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