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December 29 2012 | AA 12 Steps In Action | Step 12 Living Principles Alcoholics Anonymous Today's Daily Reflections: "the joy of life… Letting go the old and making possible the new, still experiences will be to the good, the bad and the ugly as life is one day at a time. Joyful living is possible and every form of living is possible. With a clear head, letting go the fear without foundation, covering up with a brave face when feeling hurt or vulnerable and no need for ego to hide our true nature. Developing our courage in a new life, faith in doing the next right thing and confidence growing in the knowledge that what seemed like a failure in the past is simply part of a journey which is successful one day at a time…

Video For Today:

Learning To Be Yourself

No one in their right mind ever chooses the path into addiction to people, places, things and substances. Relying on outside sources to fix the whole inside. The gnawing emptiness that once drove us to fix on anything, and although alcohol was my manifestation, the emptiness was always about love, needing it and wanting it, and never realising that love was the answer. I can remember the most peaceful and serene moments in the company of another, fleeting yet profound, a moment of true love. True love required no fix, and yet I would spend years trying to make it so by self will. Today, love will flow as it will between human beings and is possible, when the soul can give and receive. No conditions required today…

I heard someone talking about their experiences of learning the principles of the twelve steps. They are not religious, and yet understanding the difference between the seven deadly sins and the seven virtues was a profound moment for them. The concepts of seven deadly sins and seven virtues are at the extremes of life experience. We all reside somewhere in the middle of these concepts as life happens. We don't know where we are until we get there, and with every moment, the balance changes as we interact with the world and consider our needs and wants. Today, working to the truth of now, open, honest and willing to live each day as it comes, life on life's terms, we find our path as our conscience enables to the good, the bad, or the ugly, it is still a choice today…

The joy of living today? It takes time to understand our history and where we have come from. As far as I can recollect, life was okay until about the age of five, and then other influences came into play. Bent out of shape at a young age, we keep on getting bent out of shape if there is no other way to live. And for decades a life built on fixing, rather than experiencing and choosing. Fixing, all it did was replicate the old ideas and trying to put them into place over and over again. And today, a blank sheet of paper, learning and experiencing life in the moment, not trying to control, not trying to fix it, simply live it and choose the direction as life offers, rather than be stuck and a hostage to fortune. The joy of living today is life may be difficult, at the same time the experience is worth it in every moment, imperfectly perfect and ever present. Right now? Perfectly imperfect…

Letter to a friend ~ next steps towards recovery [Good morning my friend, This is a very difficult time of year. And when we know we need to make a big change in our outlook, in how we cope with life and how to go about it, advice from the right people is crucial. So my suggestion first and foremost, is to check the best way forward on two fronts. First, to seek some medical advice about your situation, not only about drinking, about your life circumstances. Trying to stop doing something which is beyond your control is very very difficult to do on your own. Our drinking behaviour, whatever the reason, has become so embedded we cannot stop because alcohol has a purpose. Or maybe it had a purpose in the past, to help us cope with life, deal with our feelings, and deal with reality. So number one, seek medical advice.

Number two, continuous support in making the biggest life change we may encounter. Moving from an old pattern of life which includes alcohol, to a new pattern of life without alcohol. It reads as simplicity itself, stopping our old ways, and starting a new way. The problem, its so difficult to stop the old way, because the new way makes us face reality without our coping mechanism. The reason why I go to Alcoholics Anonymous is to be a part of something where people really desire sobriety. All the people are trying to cope. And lots of people are starting afresh, coming back and some like me try help, face-to-face.

Treatment? Going into rehab? Taking enough time to start the process of sobriety. Depending upon your emotional state, time out away from everything may or may not help. I have had the opportunity to discuss this with quite a few psychiatrists. Psychiatrists are very aware that continuous support, it is the best way forward and many will suggest AA, with all its imperfect people being the best they can be today. AA is a place where people learn what they can do and what they cannot do on a daily basis. And for every AA person you might encounter, they will have a different point of view to you, and that's absolutely right. Other psychiatrists will suggest treatment, to give a person time to get dry physically, sober physically, and then start living life sober.

If science has the answer to the disease, we would all be cured. But there is no science when it comes to emotional and spiritual well-being. Being able to cope with our feelings in the moment of now, that is my definition of emotional and spiritual living. Again, it is the most simple understanding, feelings fitting reality and coping with reality. The problem is humans, all humans are driven to control and think in a controlling way. And the one thing no human can do is control addiction. We have to learn how to live without the substance or the behaviour which is addictive. And once we stop fixing, we can start living reality. And living reality needs continuous support. This is my opinion and not science, and it is not necessarily the viewpoint of professionals, who might suggest many forms of treatment.

I really don't know you well enough my friend, other than I know you are aware enough to know you need help. And when we look for help, especially when it comes to addiction, we judge harshly, simply because we really don't want to give up what used to make life work! Even on my first day of continuous sobriety, my thinking was about how to dodge the bullet, and how to control my recovery and not follow anybody else's way, because I thought I knew better. All I know today is you can be sober, if you accept you need help and support and ask for it. And once you have asked for help, keep on asking for help from whatever source, you find close to you and can be part of your recovery one day at a time. You can't fix something like addiction, you can be in recovery, as you know already one day at a time. And whatever happens and no matter how difficult life gets, if you can keep on asking for help, you will be sober. You need not follow all the advice you will be given, you choose what is working for you, and let other people carry on with what works for them.

In the early days, we don't have to be rigid, except for one element on a daily basis. And that's not drinking. And wherever we can make friends with sober people, and let sober people help you, by just being company in meetings or in other environments where you find them. You will learn to be yourself and free of alcohol, and then free to keep on learning who you are one day at a time. I am sure you know, a lot of this is common sense, not often used by anyone, because we feel we ought to be in charge. No one can live on self-will alone. And there is no need to…

Once we understand our feelings in the moment of now and how to express them, and how to change life incrementally, or a huge change with support, we will keep on making progress. Gently and carefully and seeking medical, professional and any other support which you prefer to help you be yourself. And you don't need to know who you are now, all you need to know is that by tonight, you will know a little bit more about what is good for you and what is bad for you and how to keep on your own path which suits you. So simple? I thought life was that simple. And then I made it very complicated by thinking and trying to be in charge and use will power. I failed, and yet today, life is simple, I make my personal choices, cope in the moment of now, know my feelings and live reality. Well, as much as I can!

My friend, we are never alone, unless we choose to be, and it is better to try ask for help, and often we find help from the most unlikely people we meet. Lots of love this morning, and I hope you reach out and know some people will not help or cannot help and it will feel horrible, at the same time you will find like-minded souls who will try their best to help. No single human source can help you alone, it always takes many people to keep one person on the path, and then the person makes their choices as they go along.

Don]

DonInLondon 2005-2011

Today's daily reflection all about the joy of recovery. It truly is difficult to remember how hard it was to find peace and serenity back in the day when I was in control of everything, or so I thought. There was genuine love and joy as I knew it, but it turned to dust so easily when things went wrong. Today it's okay when things don't work out because I learn from it. How to love, be loved back and simply useful for a day. No matter how many hard knocks, I can always ask for help, the joy of inclusion one day at a time…

Emotional, spiritual and physical rock bottom. That was it for me, and I had no idea how to cope with a complete breakdown in my outlook. If it hadn't been for fellowship, some the same as me, confused, and many with recovery, not confused, living just this one day my life would have been over. Today and just for today, life works and fellowship rocks…

Dear higher power how you today? Do you remember back in the day when I thought I knew it all about other people and their situations? I was very good at resolving issues for them. But I did not know how to resolve my own, and I had to admit I was completely powerless over alcohol and life was unmanageable. Nowadays, it's in the moment for me and asking for help is joy, I need never be alone again, and I know it okay to be me, learning life just for today…

DonInLondon 2005-2010

December 29 2010 ~ Joy in recovery... synonyms: beatitude, blessedness, bliss, blissfulness, felicity, gladness, happiness, warm fuzzies ... antonyms: calamity, ill-being, misery, sadness, unhappiness, wretchedness. Goods news we learn how to be ourselves in all these feelings, to cope with the reality of now. Less denial and more living in the moment today...

December 29 2010 ~ having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs. Acceptance ~ Surrender ~ Faith ~ Open Mindedness ~ Honesty ~ Willingness ~ Moral Inventory ~ Amends ~ Humility ~ Persistence ~ Spiritual Growth ~ Service; All for today!

THE JOY OF LIVING therefore the joy of good living is the theme of A.A.’s Twelfth Step. TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 125

A.A. is a joyful program! Even so, I occasionally balk at taking the necessary steps to move ahead, and find myself resisting the very actions that could bring about the joy I want. I would not resist if those actions did not touch some vulnerable area of my life, an area that needs hope and fulfilment. Repeated exposure to joyfulness has a way of softening the hard, outer edges of my ego. Therein lies the power of joyfulness to help all members of A.A.

AA Daily Reflections ~ "THE JOY OF LIVING therefore the joy of good living is the theme of A.A.’s Twelfth Step. TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 125

-/-

December 29 2007

DonInLondon - ‘Day In the Life’ A Message of Recovery

My Name Is Don and I Am An Alcoholic

Not that was easy for me to say. I was listening to another alcoholic in recovery today. Thirty nine Years Sober..

And the good news is, we are both sober today. I guess this is the levelling we all need when trying any endeavour, that we are all equal and have rights too. The right to recovery and the right to find our own path.

Why Say this Tonight

After some years trying to get my life back together, I realised I had no life to get back together after the last days of my drinking.

Maybe this is what I realise tonight about my progress back to living a normal life. That we all have to start from scratch all over again. And its ok.

The truth is a hard burden when we fight against it, want our lives back the way they were. And in reality the life we had is gone and all we need do is embrace change, make our living work as best we can and then wonder what next by the day.

What makes for recovery?

We need to understand our malady first, and then to work out what we can do and what we cannot do. Once we admit and accept the nature of our complaint with alcohol, that we are addicted and life is unmanageable, we open the door to sobriety. We need never drink again!

My problem was I wanted to be restored to normal drinking and it took an age to realise my drinking had never really been normal in the sense that is was what normal people did. I drank to oblivion. Normal sane people don’t do that day in and day out, I did.

Today And Tonight

I have had many reminders of how wilful we can be. That we can get stuck and hung up on events, people, places and experiences which hold us to times past. And we are hard pressed to lose them.

Love

We can be driven to love and be loved, we are better in the company of others and especially we are gifted to partnerships. I had wonderful experience over the years with adorable women in my life. And still my insecurity meant they abandoned me or I abandoned them. How many times? Too many to recollect with fairness and as many were like me, just plain lonely, we teamed up and then we undid ourselves one way or another. Just as anyone can.

Alone

Another feature of me and my drinking, best alone to oblivion, and then start over as the next evening let me, and then weekends and then in the final years when life had really gone to pot, I ended up drinking round the clock.

Success

No amount of success of any material kind improved my outlook, no amount of things, places or people helped me feel right. I never felt right in those halcyon days of outward success.

Broken

Only when I was completely broken, had been hospitalised, gone through no end of detox therapies and with a priest at the bedside still could not stop me on my self-destructive path. It took the loss of everything to a place called rock bottom over and over before I accepted I could not get sober on my own.

Despair and desolation had always been there in my living, it finally tipped over the imaginary line into alcoholism somewhere and somehow, I don’t really know. It happened though and then all hell let loose on me.

Had it not been for family, friends and fellowship, I would have perished some years back. And today I feel quite different as life enables and choices made in the day.

Could I have got sober on my own? I think not, and even with medical support to help with the physical malady, my head and heart were completely broken down to mere functional and not at all to any level where a person can cope for themselves.

I am reminded of these elements of my life as I listened to a simple share and story, full of joys and full of sorrows as life is these days. We alcoholics can make a simple situation as complicated can be. And also tonight messages of another who really does feel differently about the utility of AA. As I enjoy my fellowship, their opinion could not be worse about AA.

And in essence how we live, what works for us and how we keep to good choices is really a personal journey we develop. For some AA is clearly not the answer to all their problems today. And as for me, AA has made everything possible, to a right sized person, just equal to everyone and everyone equal to me.

Judgment

We all have to make our way. When we judge others, we fail often to make the most of what we have. If we judge others of higher value, we devalue ourselves as minion. If we judge people of lower value than us, we play God. if we are equal we are level in our outlook and live without prejudice. As we may and time teaches.

I seek the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

Daily Reflections From The Daily Reflections Site For Recovery

ANONYMITY

Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of our Traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities.

ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p. 564

Tradition Twelve became important early in my sobriety and, along with the Twelve Steps, it continues to be a must in my recovery. I became aware after I joined the Fellowship that I had personality problems, so that when I first heard it, the Tradition's message was very clear: there exists an immediate way for me to face, with others, my alcoholism and attendant anger, defensiveness, offensiveness. I saw Tradition Twelve as being a great ego-deflator; it relieved my anger and gave me a chance to utilize the principles of the program. All of the Steps, and this particular Tradition, have guided me over decades of continuous sobriety. I am grateful to those who were here when I needed them.

To the extent that I fail in my responsibilities, A.A. fails. To the extent that I succeed, A.A. succeeds. Every failure of mine will set back A.A. work to that extent. Every success of mine will put A.A. ahead to that extent. I shall not wait to be drafted for service to others, but I shall volunteer. I shall accept every opportunity to work for A.A. as a challenge, and I shall do my best to accept every challenge and perform my task as best I can. Will I accept every challenge gladly?

Meditation For The Day

People are always failures in the deepest sense when they seek to live without God's sustaining power. Many people try to be self-sufficient and seek selfish pleasure and find that it does not work too well. No matter how much material wealth they acquire, no matter how much fame and material power, the time of disillusionment and futility usually comes. Death is ahead, and they cannot take any material thing with them when they go. What does it matter if I have gained the whole world, but lost my own soul?

Prayer For The Day

I pray that I will not come empty to the end of my life. I pray that I may so live that I will not be afraid to die.

As Bill Sees It

INSTINCTS RUN WILD, p. 282 Every time a person imposes his instincts unreasonably upon others, unhappiness follows. If the pursuit of wealth tramples upon people who happen to be in the way, then anger, jealousy, and revenge are likely to be aroused. If sex runs riot, there is similar uproar.

Demands made upon other people for too much attention, protection, and love can invite only domination or revulsion in the protectors themselves-two emotions quite as unhealthy as the demands which evoked them. When an individual's desire for prestige becomes uncontrollable, whether in the sewing circle or at the international conference table, other people suffer and often revolt. This collision of instincts can produce anything from a cold snub to a blazing revolution. TWELVE AND TWELVE, p. 44

29th December 2006

Nearly Year End (written last night)

Well indeed it is, I have decided to make sure I don’t go into to the new year with too much clutter in my head or in my heart. So as per usual, it all starts with looking around my Palace and considering what I use and don’t currently use. it’s a bit of cathartic materialistic cleaning that prepares me to look at my insides.

I got to a meeting tonight and quite felt at home, knowing lots of people and seeing them with frequency really helps form friendships and bonds. It takes time to get anywhere with ourselves and anyone we meet.

Quick fixes and Friends

How often do we meet someone we connect to? Mostly quite often because we look at them and see what we like, and what we know about ourselves. Sometimes we might wish we had expressed care and reserve as quick made friends tend to go away as quickly. Or we have expectations of friendship which cannot be delivered as we might wish or even have expected.

Slow and Careful Development

"I didn’t get where I am today..." without a lot of effort and reflection. So we need to be careful we don’t make too many assumptions about people. We need to be as thorough and careful as we can be. Often we are quick to accept without really finding out the type of person or friend we might have, we tend to take face value and then find we are completely trapped into something often unwholesome.

Don’t hold People Hostage

We are all good at this, we have expectations and we believe we have been clear, and actually it can be very one sided. We need to be good at understanding, going back to basic building blocks often to really know who and what we are dealing with.

Assumptions Galore

Most of us feel we are good and have a good outlook. We think and feel we attract people who are the same. Often we are not quite as nice as we might wish, and we find ourselves with less than good friends as a result. We attract like for like often and we bend reality when it suits us and so do they.

We need to be Real

How real are we some of the time. We are never perfect specimens, and we need to know ourselves pretty well before we career around looking for others like us.

Its taken me decades to be able to find myself. After a punishing living and working environment along the way, I unfortunately fell through the cracks and lost my way. And then found myself through AA again.

What I have found is not all to the good and certainly not all to the bad. There is much of me to change. And as I find I may change myself and my outlook, and am pretty powerless changing anything else, be it people, places or things.

Making Good Tonight

Step Eight of our programme in Alcoholics Anonymous, "Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all."

It’s a bit of a tall order and look at ourselves and make a list of people we have harmed, and also we need include ourselves in this.

Part of this step, is making contact back to the real world, and being involved in daily life and making a contribution as we may. The pain behind this step is in admission, through other steps and seeing how to make amends. I have a gigantic one to make someday, and actually in the spiritual and emotional sense which counts most, it is done already, over and over. Just by being on this path of sobriety and being able to find myself.

I am fortunate to have been of a mind to own my stuff and behaviour all my life and when I have made a mess of things, promptly owned up to my part in everything. Seemed the only way really. But there are always some things we don’t recognise and don’t wish to acknowledge, and only time releases and makes that amends possible. There will always be step eights.

Sharer Tonight

Its good to hear from people with many years sobriety and emotional development. Its like wisdom in the wind of time. We get to learn first-hand how things can turn out and how we may make our own lives good again. Its not easy to face hard truths, until we accept we need to and make our way as we can and make our amends.

In sharing I always get identification for me, from what I did, to might have done if the tables had been turned

Above All

There is something we need make sure we see, that we are culpable and all play our part in life. We can judge it and take it as it is. We cannot deny our part in living and still be at peace. This takes time effort and recollections and questions and answers from ourselves and others.

Gently!

As we get to the truth, we need real compassion for ourselves and others. We played our part and others reacted and responded as they might. No one is ever to blame or blameless, we played our role as best we could and so did others. And when insane with addictions we were truly hampered and gullible to making the worst of errors known to anyone.

We do need to be gentle and thorough so we understand what is possible and not good for us or anyone else. As we move on to step nine, where we do make the amends it needs careful consideration and reflection. Most often we need to sound out our proposals with a friend or mentor and be open to change.

Change

Its true beyond doubt, the only thing in this world we can do, is change ourselves. We can develop a better attitude and a better outlook, we can modify and behave to the good of living. We need not judge others as they have their journey and path. We can judge what is right for us as we go.

Consequences

So many to the good and so many we have to endure as our path has consequences. We live with them, and acknowledge our part in life. We can stop looking to blame anything or anyone.

Classic interruption just now from a friend

Having got ill with something unconnected to our fellowship a friend of mine was just in hospital over the Christmas break. And their feelings are about others and letting the side down, rather than making sure they are well and able. How do we get so distraught and so unable to be ourselves and listen and do the right thing? Always its because we feel less than others, that we are letting the side down in some way.

We need to get out of hurting ourselves and feeling guilty and shameful. I have had to acknowledge my ailments, and shortcomings if you will, I feel ok because I know my limits and let others know. It is not a cop out.

Know our Limits and Safety

Well, as a risk taker driven by insecurity I have done my fair share of dangerous things, taken unacceptable risks and now have learned safe risks and safer way of living. Still an adventure, the real risk of life is not living as we have opportunity and letting ourselves live less than human existence.

We are worth the effort and our efforts to be human are worth all the endeavour, so gently we move along, sometimes swiftly sometimes slowly as we can.

I feel it is time to stop for now, some snippets from mail sent today might help see where my head has been today..

Excerpts from mail

["all is well with me and quite content today. Have had my amends accepted it seems and life feels less burdensome. It’s a real good bit of news to have people let me go, or in this case let myself off the hook. Seems I set a high standard for my part in things. I don't feel I do, as in reality my reactions have not always been what I feel is right. but then that is just me! Letting people know there is no ill will anymore makes me feel better. This is not from ego, its just realising everyone does their best and this includes when things I did or they did were as good as we were then. We all change, so that feels right both ways, see you soon"]

["I am sorry you are not feeling too well, the cold thing is about round here and I await my turn! Eating Vitamin C a lot to try combat the inevitable..

You know it really unsettles our nearest and dearest when we start to assert who we are. And its not subtle for them, because in sobriety we make choices to the good pretty much automatically and we are not so easy to manipulate. We take away the opportunity for power being exerted over us and we are less controllable. And how does someone get the better of the situation when we are sober?

The other problem is the old gossip about us, well it is old and not the newer version we are now. It means the old gossip in a household about us has no real relevance to today. And unfortunately in a household with children, the children see a difference too in what they hear and how we are. So a lot of the old assumptions do not seem so easy to accept as gospel. It can undermine and make the boundaries different and the old boundary where we could be led into being less than we are, is quite hard to maintain.

It makes our nearest a little out of kilter, especially if they are trying to be as they are when we were much more open to criticism. We are less the whipping boy or girl and more independent of the old, old stories.

It's a bit of a facer for those in families who have secured their place because of our old place in the pecking order. No wonder sometimes our siblings can be in limbo too as they work out what is going on. It causes discomfort. Fortunately this is not my experience this year, or actually in other years when I was still the other side of the line with regard to addiction. But it does make everybody wonder what is going on. And the reaction can be more difficult for them than us. all we get maybe is old news back at us. It's a subtle and pervasive put down we really don't need and they don't quite know why they do it! Change is in us, and we cannot change them, only they can. truly we are somewhat powerless to change their outlook, especially if it suited to have someone less able than them.

Everyone has their battle with ego and esteem. We get esteem, and sometimes others do not follow with us, they remain as always, a bit skewed and a bit frustrated not to have their place endorsed by our "less than" being.

I could be way off here, but it struck me listening last night that some of us are changing significantly, even when we don't see it ourselves. My friend who did the main share last night, well he is doing a great job in recovery on himself, and his world is improving beyond where anyone might have thought. He could be a good sponsor to anyone and this change is fundamental, as he has never before realised he has wisdom to share and people actually love hearing what he has to say. A bit of a change from being silent in the park drinking from a can and not wanting to be seen or talked to ever.

Changes! Blimey they do catch us out! Get well soon, and thanks I am still wondering about the video clips. Feel I might shave the scruff off!"]

["hope all is well where you are today. Its been an interesting few days. Last Sunday I was sharing about the miserable time I had in our rehab centre. And as an antidote to those who feel real connection to their rehab experience and wanting to revisit it on their annual return for old boys and girls reunions, ours is quite different! I shared my feelings about discharging myself after the months spent there and the awful things they did to break me down further. As you know I was already quite broken when I got there. And it seems we need to tell others our experience. Again, behind me was another graduate of the same rehab, who like me and you felt the need to leave spontaneously because of ill treatment. He thanked me profusely and felt he had been alienated by the whole process and left in a rage similar to mine. Same day at an earlier meeting another refugee from another rehab talked to me about my sharing the horrid parts of rehab at Soho Alcohol Treatment centre months before. like me, Soho had been the saving of me for those first weeks into recovery. And then they ended up going into rehab, and their experience was more like mine again.

So it seems when I went to Chelsea and Westminster for that psyche assessment to ask to be locked up as dangerous to myself, and being told I was angry not mad or insane, well it makes me feel quite angry about what happened to me. If I had not met you and shared, and had not gone to get the psychiatric assessment, I would never have resolved the issue, issue of rehab at all. And I am glad others have benefited from the angry story I had.

And of course hearing it is closing down, it is a relief because what was wrong was tragic, and what happened to people who had other ailments like me, well it made some die. A friend of one of my mother's neighbours went where we went for rehab, and they committed suicide after being there.

Sorry to rake up the old stuff, but I felt you might like to know we were far from alone in our feelings about St Luke's rehab centre. There are two strands to the St Luke experience, first is they created dependence by their counselling methods on their counsellors, and second if you retained any self will or just ordinary sense of propriety, the likelihood was to be singled out to be made foolish and stupid. They were like bull fighters orchestrating the inmates to fight each other, rather than help each other!

So although the news accesses my deep, the resentment is not there, the truth is and I am satisfied anger and rage were completely justified. They did me harm, and AA saved my hide for sure! And AA actually let me find my identity and good in myself again. So when I hear rehab in future I may tend to share my experience, strength and hope that if there is a God, judgment day may feel a bit hot. And then of course I realise the truth, they did what they did, and it was their best. That they were deluded, without doubt, acceptance and forgiveness comes along of its own accord. Their behaviour remains despicable and awful, consequences that people died unnecessarily and they are not there doing their awful worst! Consequences will be whatever they are. And I am not going to avoid the feelings inside me when I feel them. Just let them go as may be, by sharing my truth, that is the consequence I may share, and as to any other consequences, it is not in my gift or my concern... Look forward to seeing you soon "]

Till tomorrow.

December 29th 2005

A Book With Little To Teach Me?

A place where last gaspers turn up. The last chance saloon, the place where when all else fails, broken people might get mended. The problem is the mending is inside, but no one tells the hapless and no one can, its that bad. Rehab stories are like war stories, trouble is hearing them might impact, most likely don't. I got a book this year for Xmas, on a man going through rehab, and being told how good it was, my reaction was not to read it.

I did rehab. And reading a book on it... The usefulness to me of reading the trial, sentence and redemption, or put another way, experience strength and hope. Well it is as good as a chocolate teapot to me. Consequences. I know them. Good news when others tell me of this book, then they are aware the horror of where addiction takes a person, thank God not experienced first-hand, at least its a primer for the blissfully ignorant. Thank society and nature they are ignorant that blind addiction, yet aware enough to share the horror of another’s experience of rehab. Shocked and elated by transformations, the miracle of recovery. Given to me.. I started reading it. First page, last page. Dipped in to it. Every word shouting and sharpening recollections the merest tinge more clear. For my recollections of rehab and every moment to its door are etched as deep as life and never forgotten. This book eloquent in my experience and real and plausible. This little book of horrors, a sharp shock maybe, or to me just another day in the life of... Sometimes people want to show they know, they care and they see the good that came from this book of experience and recovery. I know first-hand each day and moment. The book is good, I know, and know full well it serves no purpose in my experience, just for me, just for today and every day.

I could write the book, it would be as good, but no better or worse. Its a good book for those who never need to go to rehab, to get a flavour of savage days and torment, self-inflicted in the beginning and beyond control to the end. Rehab, recovery, blood and guts and worse as living dead like me get back to living life, alive! I read some more and can attest its accurate and moving pages portray the worst and worst of living and its consequence. The trap of consequence, the shame and guilt injected as daily reminder by hapless tenants and their keepers. My days in rehab, closeted with fellows as deeply wounded as life can deal and held in check by insanity. Watched over by walking miracles who deftly wound their charges, without qualm and without mastery, hacks and quacks devoid of both feeling and intellect and doing good as do gooders do. My days in rehab I can confirm as grim as grim can be, saved by my own compassion, as in the book I was given. Recollections and malpractice, ignorance and malice stalk the halls of rehab. And in their eyes, the do gooder’s bible, predicated on their own folly and experience as Hair shirts are their uniform. Sad mystics and rehab are obvious bedfellows, our present day workhouses where moral fibre makes for tough shit, not tough love. And tough love might once have been the medicine now distorted and obscene as grubby practitioners kill most their charges.

Struck dumb in abject misery most die in or from rehab. And so the book describes. And accomplishment for living through another hell leaves most, most grateful some might believe.

For me and my view, before during and after the rehab of my life, it was never in rehab! It was in life, the gift of anonymous friends and fellowship. The book I was given is sound and forthright, exuding emotion and experience common to every addiction recoverer. And not lost on me. I guess to read it...

I lived it I will not forget the horror and death, and I wonder why some rehabs still continue old and stupid practices, which kill rather than cure. They seem to know best and I am one voice. And I am just that, one voice, with experience and knowledge and skill, to make good... Hair shirt preachers, their only path to redemption, their own pathology, neither science nor art, mystics without mystery, clerics without religion, sanctimonious dangerous lawless sleazy miscreants, lazy in their parsimony. No wonder rehab fails most who enter, where death is just around the corner and life is a lifetime away. I am glad of joy these days in spite of and not because of rehab ways.

December 29th 2004

The Greatest Conqueror

One may conquer a thousand men a thousand times in battle but he who conquers the self is the greatest conqueror.

-/-

Just For Today And Every Day, Cherish Always...

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“Awakening as the result of what? The result, or consequence of taking the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous is a Spiritual Awakening. Please reflect that this step does not say the awakening comes as the result of taking steps 1 through 11, those preceding Step 12. On the contrary, the awakening comes as the result of taking these (all of the twelve) steps, including Step 12. (If you disagree, that is wonderful. Keep on digesting these steps.)” Big Book Bunch

December 2012 | Playlist About Step Twelve: Step Twelve Playlist

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AA Official Online Site: Big Book And Twelve And Twelve

Big Book And Twelve And Twelve

AA Official Online Site: Daily Reflections

AA Daily Reflections

December 2012 | Step Twelve Reading Video Link: