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Thursday, 27 November 2014

Alcoholics Anonymous Blog November 27 2014 "Truth Love Wisdom”

Video November 27 Video

Prayer and meditation: prayer, it's not about me! Prayer to look outwards and hope for the world, family, friends and community, society; as long as it's not about me! A gentle reminder in my head or said out loud to the God of my understanding, step one and powerless to be free of addiction and unmanageability by admitting and accepting my current situation. Step two, insanity is always available and step three, let go and surrender to the truth, love and wisdom in the moment of now. Meditation; deciding on the can do and cannot do today and if I am in doubt or just need clarification, ask for help.

Listening to a step eight Reading this morning, making a list of amends and being willing to make them always evokes memories. Memories of people in my life, memories of places and memories of things done. And listening to fellows describing the process of writing the list and then learning how to be willing to make amends before actually beginning the process into step nine. Every time I hear experience strength and hope shared, it seems there will always be amends to make, memories come back.

Every step is a solid opportunity for evolution on this emotional and spiritual path. Sometimes we feel we may have found the solution, and then life keeps on happening and new solutions evolve as life evolves. Emotional: truly experiencing feelings. Spiritual: living in the moment and coping with reality. Even now after years in recovery, sometimes I find myself reliving events which challenge me and my outlook. Sometimes, pride, ego and fear can linger a while when we are confronted with reality we don't like. Usually when someone has a go at us and our point of view. I can take a day or two, to accept I am certainly not everyone's cup of tea.

If we get a feeling of rejection, some say this is the universe protecting us from others. Or it can be as simple as not taking account of how another person is and their outlook, what is going on in their life and realising we have nothing to offer them. Even friendship can be rejected because we are simply the wrong person to befriend. Let go and accept that other people need their own personal space and own personal outlook to proceed happily in their own lives. In other words, judge not.

It was a good morning, and I'm grateful for these early morning meetings. And the more I connect, the more interconnected life becomes. Caring about other people, it is always difficult as life is difficult. And each person contributes the best they can and I admire all living in recovery one day at a time. And equally I admire anyone anywhere reaching out for help, I hope they find a hand in Fellowship to help as best they can. And it does not need to be me!

Step Eleven Reading 12 & 12

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Tuesday, 25 November 2014

Alcoholics Anonymous Blog November 25 2014 "Truth Love Wisdom”

Video November 25 Video

How to love, how to be loved back, and then the understanding between who people are and their behaviour. I still feel sad that somebody felt I hated them, and it was only when I was able to open the door to that misunderstanding that friendship can happen. Love people, love their behaviour? This can happen. Love people, dislike their behaviour? This is so often the case or we wouldn't feel the hurt or the exclusion going on.

Love is the deepest emotion. Love of another takes many forms. From lover and romance which may be unconditional, to unconditional love for people we know in family, community and society. And there will be many people we love, and we love their behaviour. And there will be many people we love and at the same time find ourselves confounded by their behaviour.

In active addiction, drinking because there was no other way of surviving self harm, there is no love for oneself or for other people in the truest possible way. Self harm, self medication into oblivion takes away all remnants we might have to love other people unconditionally. We still have love for them and we are often confounded by our own inability to connect with anyone in a meaningful way whilst under the influence of something which is controlling what we do day in and day out. And addiction has no boundaries, we might try to stop one thing and then find ourselves hooked into something else to ease the intolerable pain which never seems to go away.

Learning to love oneself enough, learning how to stop the destructive behaviour and restart, is a revolutionary act, and for myself, I needed to trust and accept the inevitable pain which had to come, taking away the self-harm and self-medication. Or did I just hate myself enough to give recovery and sobriety a go? Facing death was not enough until I realised that life could really get no worse. And asking for help, the humility to do this, ask became the starting point. The love hate relationship in early days with myself, I never thought I was worth it in the beginning, I just immersed myself in meetings. Humility, simply to ask for help was actually the key to saving my life and many other people I have met on the journey.

Sounds easy? Not likely for anyone to start learning what love can be without any conditions. Unconditional love is kinship with oneself and the world. Love flows out, love flows in. I shared in a meeting about the incident where a person thought I hated them, and they were surprised when I said to them that I love them as a brother. I feel the shock was two ways, first knowing this person for some years and their feelings of exclusion and dislike from me, and my shock and the impact I had on them without being aware that there was ever a problem.

Assumptions are made so easily, that we get on with certain people, and that we cannot get on with other people. Sometimes we just need to say out loud, that we love people, sometimes love their behaviour, and sometimes their behaviour may be intolerable in certain situations. Most people are good, capable of love without conditions when they feel secure in their own outlook. And it takes time to feel secure in oneself, when the world seems to be setting people up for failure, rather than success.

Step Eleven Reading 12 & 12

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Sunday, 23 November 2014

Alcoholics Anonymous Blog November 23 2014 "Truth Love Wisdom”

Video November 23 Video

A very rainy day, and yet over 100 people get to the meeting on a Sunday morning. All about wanting, needing more of something. Romance and finance, striving, filling the gap. And if it doesn't fill the gap, until we realise all we need to do is utilise what we have now to cope and make best use of our time. Prayers looking out at the world and meditation to reflect on what we can and cannot do today seems to be my solution. And I am content, needs met, wants forgotten.

All it takes in this wonderful world is to connect and share time, to experience friendship, to love one another without conditions. It certainly didn't happen overnight, and if I did not practice and pray and meditate, I doubt progress would be made. Progressing into the moment of now, can seem like an eternity until we arrive and find peace in the company of fellows on the same journey.

Not everyone experiences these moments, it takes time. And serenity can disappear if we take on the ill will of some who have issues with who we are and what we do. Every day, we will find ourselves in mixed company, a company of people with different agendas, different priorities and different outlooks. And even those with ill will towards us need not undermine our serenity when life is difficult for them. Pride ego and fear and the defects are available to everyone, and the same is true if we do not find the courage, faith and confidence to be ourselves. Let go that worry about others on their journey, they too have a right to be here.

I feel good even on a dark dank rainy morning in London. And I'm grateful for everything Fellowship shows each day and how I may be of service and the can and cannot do, the wisdom learned on the way into the moment of now where serenity is possible. We all need work, or we would find no point to our existence. And work on the inside job only becomes apparent through time. We all find our useful endeavours if we are open to the possibilities of now. Gratitude indeed...

Step Eleven Reading 12 & 12

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Saturday, 22 November 2014

Alcoholics Anonymous Blog November 22 2014 "Truth Love Wisdom”

Video November 22 Video

Forgiveness can be a tall order! And when we are not forgiving of other people, I don't see any possibility for self-forgiveness. Often it just starts with, "why on earth did I do that?" When I came out of rehab after three months of horror and torture, I was so angry, the only answer appeared to be a drink. Fortunately although rehab really didn't work for me at that time, that lapse many years ago meant I went to the only place where there was forgiveness in those dark days and that was Alcoholics Anonymous.

Years later, often we hear the experience, strength and hope being lost in recovery. Real events can hurt deeply, our actions or the actions of other people can bite so hard to enrage even the gentlest person. And I hear this quite often. Until we get to the impossible point where we cannot cope, often we do not ask for help, when help is at hand and we need not soldier on with impossible burdens.

Sharing our burdens, when we are upset and hurt is all part of the human experience. The human experience applies to everyone and it's not something we need shy away from. Fear, pride and ego, those infamous feelings are happening even if we are not aware of them very often. And very often, just because we can cope until breaking point, better not let things drag on to where insanity is not only possible, insanity happens.

Prayer and meditation: prayer to look outwards, meditation to reflect on what is happening, the can do and cannot do. Whenever I say to myself, I need a can do attitude, it's worth checking out if I'm pushing myself to a limit beyond sanity. And listening to other people who often push themselves so far that sanity turns into insanity, the result can be very painful. Romance and finance: heartbreak and ruin can be optional if we cope with what is happening in the moment of now rather than let it build up to a mountain of heartbreak and ruin beyond repair.

I am not God and I do have an understanding of God. Surrendering to the truth, love and wisdom of now, the truth is everyone sees it, unconditional love as it manifests, this leads to wisdom if I am able to cope with the information coming my way. So these days I am able to pray and meditate, not worry about the God of other people's understanding, or the expectations they may have of God. Life is about guidance, truth, love and wisdom as it develops. And sometimes life is good, bad or ugly, and that's why I need help sometimes, to cope with all eventualities as they happen.

Thank goodness we learn not to act out. Acting out on bad and ugly situations, sometimes we simply need some help and often the source is unexpected and beyond our wildest dreams.

Step Eleven Reading 12 & 12

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Thursday, 20 November 2014

Alcoholics Anonymous Blog November 20 2014 "Truth Love Wisdom”

Video November 20 Video

When we are living in the present moment, where our feelings fit the moment of now, we are present and hopefully dealing with our day-to-day activities. Newcomers to the Fellowship are often stuck in old feelings, old attitudes and trying to shake off a desire to go back into the problem of addiction. Always a privilege to hear the newcomer share their truth, and a good reminder to me why the steps, the toolbox of recovery works when we put the tools of recovery into practice.

Daily readings about prayer and meditation which work on a daily basis to whatever higher power works for you. My higher power is the God of my understanding, and helps me surrender to the truth of now, what is best for everyone is only found through dialogue, and providing I am asking the right questions, the answers often become apparent in the moment of now. At the same time, some of the questions I have on a daily basis will take time and some answers to my questions will never be answered. Acceptance is key. And above all forgiveness is a powerful and wonderful action.

Listening to newcomers reminds me that insanity is always available in all our daily activities. As soon as I want things my way, insanity can prevail very quickly. What's the answer? Always a need to see the big picture and get perspective of the can do and cannot do and the wisdom to know the difference.

Humility requires forgiveness of everyone, stopping the blame game. When it comes to why we are addicts and alcoholics, and whoever may have been involved, if we do not see that we have a disease which can happen to anyone no matter what their background or history, it is difficult to forgive the actions of others and ourselves. Our part in matters and how to cope is all part of the twelve steps towards a more complete life, haphazard, full of mistakes, full of learning and full of forgiveness for oneself and other people doing the best they can now and in the past.

Humility and forgiveness: I say to myself at bedtime if I need to, "forgive everyone everything and if it's not a feeling of forgiveness tonight, fuck them and what they did, and try again tomorrow. Just because we know we should, the can do can take quite a while because we are human and need forgive ourselves first or we have no humility to forgive anyone else."

All human beings have an opinion, have beliefs and practice their opinions and beliefs in all their affairs. We would think that each of us can come to the same conclusion, and yet opinions and beliefs cause conflict every single moment. In our own world, where we are included and part of something, family community society, we do have a voice, at the same time we need to listen to all those included in our daily activities. If we fail to listen, we often find ourselves on the outside looking into situations and judging them badly.

Step Eleven Reading 12 & 12

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Tuesday, 18 November 2014

Alcoholics Anonymous Blog November 15 2014 "Truth Love Wisdom”

Video November 15 Video

Prayer and meditation to whatever higher power you understand is so important. I wake up in the morning, sometimes very early due to insomnia. It's not that my head is full of thoughts which caused me grief, it simply that I have always been an insomniac, and then it's a choice what to do next. Dale Carnegie, he suggested, "If you cannot sleep, best to get up and do something useful." Most days this is fine, in the grip of the illness of addiction and alcoholism, this was not fine, trying to find oblivion by whatever means possible.

Over 7 billion people on the planet, and every single person comes to believe in something, and this is the basis of faith. I still find myself troubled, or used to find myself troubled by trying to understand God as you see it. My first step in understanding a higher power was made easy, realising if I were not God and you weren't either, between you and me, understanding the truth of now is made possible by sharing experience strength and hope. Surrendering to the truth shared by the many through experience strength and hope, is my way of understanding how God works through people. The experience strength and hope leads to wisdom as we find the truth of now. And the truth of now might be agreeable or disagreeable, it still remains the truth if truth is shared.

So many meetings in recent days, and seeing many people I have not seen for a long time. The good fortune of many meetings in my local area means I hear experience strength and hope from many individuals on a daily basis. Recently, I have also been focused on family matters, my mother has been very ill, and is still very fragile and in need of further medical treatment. This can weigh heavy on one's mind, even though I know the can do and cannot do around my mum being ill. She is as frustrated as anyone about her situation, and sometimes long conversations can be very helpful for her and for me. I worry less knowing she is still breathing. And meetings help me find balance in my outlook. Sober first and then I can work out the can do and cannot do today, and also ask for help when I feel unable to absorb or work through the feelings I have. Not morbid at all, sometimes feelings are just overwhelming and take time to live through and then cope as life changes.

Understanding this emotional and spiritual journey is about coping with reality and when we cannot cope we share and listen and ask. And often the answers come about our own circumstances from listening when we can, and listening can be very difficult when we are focused on our own issues today. Prayer and meditation help: prayer to look outwards, meditation to reflect on the priorities today. Clarity comes when we routinely look outwards, and then understand the priorities with a quiet mind.

When somebody asks me, "how are you feeling?" I often ponder for a moment before responding. Sometimes I hear people share that they are 150% great. A superhuman response. The brain capacity that we all have works at 100% all the time. Something we are forgetful about or misunderstand how emotional and spiritual works, feelings fitting the moment of now. Overworking our pride, ego and fear means we are not able to function with courage faith and confidence. And as each emotion rises and falls depending on our circumstances, we are working harder in one emotional area than another. And we can learn how our feelings are fitting in the moment of now, an angry encounter will reduce serenity to nil very quickly, and it can take a while to bounce back. That's life.

Paranoia came up this morning as a topic. Compared to the olden days of active addiction, paranoia in recovery can still occur but never the same levels under the influence. Unless of course somebody is out to get you, and then paranoia has its place. Fortunately, within Fellowship we can share about it, and maybe someone somewhere may have a useful suggestion. Not always in our time, but hopefully in time to help find our path to a better day, even if it is just for today.

Step Eleven Reading 12 & 12

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Thursday, 13 November 2014

Alcoholics Anonymous Blog November 13 2014 "Truth Love Wisdom”

Video November 13 Video

Who gets hurt most when we become alcoholics and or addicts? And for the addict and alcoholic, who do we blame for our predicament? Two big issues out of many that we face in recovery. Fortunately we have the twelve step programs and fellowships to help.

To admit and accept our predicament, the more we admit and accept on a daily basis, the more likely we come back to sobriety. More often than we might go out for some more research and self-harm because we become resentful about our condition and find ourselves in a state of rage which blocks any chance of listening to that inner voice which suggests going to a meeting. Addiction, our disease of denial can strike anyone anywhere, even when we are happy and sober, a careless whim can undo any person no matter how many years we have trodden a sober emotional and spiritual path.

Emotional and spiritual living, utilising the twelve steps to deal with the experience of life and cope with it in the moment. The wisdom comes in every moment of now, we can become more skilled dealing with life in the moment and coping with it. As long as we can remind ourselves on a daily basis, the basics of all the steps we are in with a good opportunity to keep on learning the wisdom to know the difference between what we can do and what we cannot do. And yet we might judge that we know better! And very often we do?

Even if we do know better, bringing everyone up to speed who is involved can be torture, simply because what we thought we knew was better is not agreeable to others. And this is the problem very often in recovery, we get a sense of knowing the answers and trying to come up with the answers before we have consulted the rest of the world. The loneliness of righteousness will not help any human being live a more complete emotional and spiritual existence. Simply we do not know the answers to situations until we are in the moment of now and being inclusive in our outlook with other people. Just because you judge it right, does not mean others will judge it like you do.

I am really grateful for the meetings on my doorstep. Or rather I'm simply grateful that there are so many meetings and so many people with different outlooks to me. Every single meeting challenges my outlook, because I get to a meeting for judgement about my situation and what to do, and then I find myself like everybody else, in the moment of now and wondering how to cope with what next. Everyone seems to do better if they are not judging situations before they happen, and remain open to the opinion and judgement of other people involved in their lives. And this can be very frustrating when we have all the right answers! Fortunately I keep on learning that I don't have the right answers before events are happening these days and I don't need to judge before life continues for the rest of the day.

Recovery is amazing, to be included in life, rather than watching life and judging it good or bad or ugly. Being included and part of, not on the outside looking in, more likely on the inside finding out whatever the next steps might be. This would have gone completely against my outlook in past decades under the influence of old attitudes and behaviour, the old attitudes formed in a different era of my life.

It is really good to be inspired by the sharing, some call it experience strength and hope, most often it is the hard edge of living in the moment of now. How lucky are we to be part of the human race, by being more human than we ever were before?

Step Eleven Reading 12 & 12

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Friday, 7 November 2014

Alcoholics Anonymous Blog November 7 2014 "Truth Love Wisdom”

Video November 7 Video

OMG step eleven: "sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood him, praying only for knowledge of his will for us and the power to carry that out." Nobody in the fellowship has ever tried to impose their idea or understanding of their higher power upon me. I have asked for guidance on a daily basis to be able to define God, unfortunately, nothing absolutely nothing comes close. And yet, how often does God intervene in my life? Every single day of course.

I've been missing from Facebook for a number of weeks. Going to meetings every day, sometimes twice a day, simply because I feel better for them, keep my inner being balanced and helping face-to-face locally. And I simply seemed to need a break from writing about recovery, having done so on a daily basis for about ten years. And for seven years on Facebook. And yet every day, I hear wisdom and learn something new which helps me in recovery.

The media, TV, newspapers and all sorts of politicians have been banging on about the nation's health. If it's not smoking, if it's not alcohol, if it's not sugar, and if it is not drugs, and if it's not exercise, it doesn't seem that human beings are doing anything to keep their health and sanity. And whatever we are doing to ourselves, the National Health Service cannot cope with it. What used to be coping mechanisms: alcohol, nicotine, sugar, drugs, lack of or too much exercise, and sex in my case as well, I only have myself to blame. The more we are made to blame ourselves for what were coping mechanisms, the more there is the likelihood that people will turn to these coping mechanisms in order to deal with life in general.

The reason why I mention these comfort mechanisms, is simply because whatever a human does to keep themselves sane, can become insane addictive behaviour in the long run. Somehow in recovery, we learn what is good for us on a daily basis. Some things we need abstain. And with the passing of time, some things become less important. Underneath all this there is one thing which helps me keep learning what I can do and cannot do and the wisdom to know the difference. Some people call this God, some people find their own higher power. Usually the answer becomes apparent by finding the truth of now, how to love and be loved back and find useful things to do one day at a time.

Human beings were built with emotions which work in the moment of now, a mind which works and thinks in the moment of now in order to cope in the moment of now. In the moment if I know how I am feeling, know how I am thinking, I am more likely to cope in the moment of now. I've come to believe that truth love and wisdom work in the moment of now. And that truth love and wisdom often comes through listening to others. Gandhi once said, "God is truth and God is love." I do believe Gandhi was on track with this. I wake up in the morning full of beliefs and opinions, and I need often to surrender to the truth love and wisdom which I find comes through others, and often my beliefs and opinions are changed on a daily basis on personal matters and matters which impact on the whole of society.

I surrender to the truth that I am an alcoholic in recovery. Step one: powerlessness and unmanageability comes when I do not accept the truth of my situation. And this can happen quite often if I am forgetful. I do rely on prayer and meditation, not an informal type of prayer and meditation which goes on all the time in my head, the inner voice of reason or unreasonableness. I rely on prayer for the good of everyone including me, and meditation, what can I do to be included and be part of something useful. Very simple to do and yet I can be so forgetful, I do need routine to remind myself of these simple and very helpful formal prayers and meditations. All about being included, being part of the solution and not being a problem to myself or others.

Step Eleven Reading 12 & 12

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