Alcoholics Anonymous Blog Video September 16 2014
September 16 Video
A very difficult few weeks. My mother has been unwell with time in hospital to work out what's going on with her heart condition. Ventricular fibrillation: not so good and not too treatable for a lady who is eighty-two. Mum is home thankfully with drugs to regulate her heart beat, drugs post breast cancer, drugs for her eyes, and on and on. The good news is my mother has all her mental marbles, and being home with my sister means she can get back to regular patterns. I just spoke to my mum, we had a good chat for about an hour, or just a bit less because her arm was aching from holding the phone. Thank God she is alive and mentally in control of her faculties.
When we love people, and they cannot be seen every day, and they are unwell, there is always some anxiety and anxiousness in the back of our minds about how they are and what we can do to be helpful. Because I have limitations and am not always able to travel, being helpful is being there at the end of the phone. A certain amount of powerlessness, and difficulty with acceptance of the status quo would lead to more anxiety. The key is always knowing and accepting the can do and cannot do one day at a time. And the other part of being sober today, is that I can be there within a couple of hours if I am needed to help in any way I can. Being there by telephone is part of what I can do, and not cause anxiety like I used to in the past.
I am very fortunate where I live in the heart of Chelsea, in London England. I fear that I will have to remind myself that I live in England, without the union with Scotland. I do hope that Scotland votes for unity, and yet I can fully understand why they may vote to separate from the United Kingdom. Anyway the reason why its important where I live, there are many people in recovery who I bump into almost daily and Fellowship is strong and vibrant and always on my doorstep, and I my mother and my sister are just a couple of hours away. Without Fellowship handy, it would be easy to become isolated and lonely. So much gratitude for how the dice fell for me. Amends to self, sober today, amends to family sober today and not causing them any worry above the usual we all have for people we love.
September is amends month in my calendar. Many of the amends needed, to nearest and dearest, to anyone else, is all part of what we try to do without causing further harm. Do no harm can be difficult when we are asked to do things which are erroneous and beyond fellowship and friendship. And just because we used to, we are likely to find danger in doing things to please others when there is no pleasure or any good reason to do them at all. We don't need further resentments building up by pleasing others to our detriment. And it can be a harsh lesson for ourselves, and no lesson for those we let go.
Amends are not about expecting anything from anyone anywhere, simply we are offering our amends, be they emotional, physical, or material. Emotional, being truthful, surrendering to the truth and our part in all matters. Sharing the truth as we see it and then finding out what the truth is for other people. An ongoing process. Physical amends: maybe to let go and not be about or around those who might be harmed, have been harmed and we need not make it worse by trying to hold on to things which are not ours to have. Material amends and financial amends: without doing further harm, pay back in whatever way we can. Most of all to accept the consequences of our past actions no matter what. And this is part of learning forgiveness for other people and forgiveness by living differently, in an open honest and willing manner.
"To forgive is divine?" I feel the best we can do is surrendering to the truth of now, where reality exists and we are present, and behaving the best we can is part of the process. And sometimes the best we can be in the moment of now, will reveal our strengths and weaknesses. Strengths in terms of courage faith and confidence being developed as we learn. Defects of fear, pride and ego creating a storm within and our nature whatever it may be in the moment of now. Nobody is perfect, definitely not. So living a sober life, surrendering to the truth that everyone agrees, and being open honest and willing to change makes for a better life. Even if you are behind bars, which some of us are within Fellowship Try prison service, it is very humbling.
How am I feeling today? Happy my mum is home, happy that I can chat with her on the phone and try help with those darned crossword clues, happy I am sober, less lingering anxiety and more clarity about what I can and cannot do and fit in with what is going on by being included just one day at a time.
Step nine Reading 12 & 12
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