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Alcoholics Anonymous | February 3 2013 | AA 12 Steps In Action | Step 2 "Sanity" | "timely reminders of the old insanity, doing the same things over and over again and expecting a different result." Step two, all about restoration to sanity contingent on the day I ask for help. And this also applies when I'm asked to help with matters of a past professional nature. Sometimes, just because I may have the ability to do something, it would be madness to go back into the old life, and revisit my own insanity…

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The Old Insanity

In my life, growing up was difficult and we do not know any better than a life we have. What seems ordinary to some of those who grow up in fear, hiding and isolation and not feeling right, that was my ordinary. Never comfortable, always fearful. And I didn't know that this was out of the ordinary. If we don't know any better, other than other kids seem to be okay with life as it unfolds, why did I just feel wrong most of the time? The answer was that life is not only difficult, most of the time it was horrible because I didn't understand it, I did not understand life… The good news? I became a chameleon, I could be what you wanted me to be, and I suffered many trials and tribulations. Perversely, it may be good at helping other people later on in life…

A friend asks for help, and I try and I see the possibilities of how to help. And then, the old possibilities impact on today, and I see the new possibilities in a really good endeavour initiated by my friend. Within hours, my head begins to swell with all sorts of ideas and possibilities connected to the project of my friend. Almost like my head is firing up and seeing a clear strategy and vision for the project, and how to put it into action. Project management skills, almost like booting a computer, everything starts to work again, in my head that is. Sleeplessness and the nightmares of old times pervade. And there is no peace and serenity inside me, going back to the old life and what happened and the ending of a career, I realise, knowing I can do something with my thinking, takes no account of the impact on my emotional and spiritual being. Emotionally, reminded of the bad times, breakdowns and psychosis caused by PTSD, I had to stop, endorse the project and let it go quickly if I want to keep my sanity…

I don't like to say no to things, especially in areas where I have a connection and a willingness to want to be involved. And then realise that the involvement stirs up old events from years past. Just because I can do something in the short term, I know where it leads long-term, back into the insanity of the old life. And this is very disturbing, because who wants to let anyone down, when they see you may have a skill and an aptitude to do something with them? It really does come down to revisiting enough of the madness in my case, my personal madness in trying to do something from the old life which hurts me. And it reminds me, a gentle and emphatic no is better than a half-hearted yes...

Being restored to sanity, is contingent on my spiritual condition, and that is always on a daily basis and requires me to understand my emotional and spiritual state. It was disturbing to understand just how quickly the old life will impact again and to continue to help in a new endeavour which is really worthwhile and worthy of success, it puts me back into the old life, and I must not. I have to say to myself that I need say no to me, my feelings out of whack, my thinking and ego suggesting I can do this. And yet there are the nightmares, or sleeplessness and disturbance. The fault is mine, wanting to be helpful and the best way to be helpful is to say no. I take on responsibility for that which is not mine to be responsible for and that really buggers up my head. Sanity is keeping to the new path, doing new things, and being involved in new enterprise and endeavour. Not going back to the familiar. And that is somewhat hard and difficult when the mind engages and I could see the possibilities…

Anyway it was a timely reminder of step two. For me, doing the same things over and over again and expecting a different result is mad. For me to do the old stuff, it has to be a firm no, or the personal demons of the past come back to haunt me. Odd really, sometimes I need these reminders, is not a punishment, a couple of days of disturbance and a long discussion with another friend restores me to a position of understanding what I can and cannot do. Daily, the can do and cannot do is really important, it is so tempting to think I can do something. And emotionally, the knowledge is profound, I cannot do that something without going mad again. It would not be drink, it would be a return to a life which either rejected me, or in some way I rejected it by having a complete breakdown mentally. Thank God for friends, those who invited us to try out something, and friends who challenge and ask why on Earth would I want to go backwards into the old life? Simply, I cannot or I lose my emotional and spiritual peace and serenity, not just for one day, it could be a lifetime…

Alcoholics Anonymous | February 3 2012 | AA 12 Steps In Action | Step 2 | 2012 | Today's AA daily reflections: "filling the void" strikes me on many levels in recovery. The amount of time I spent drinking in those last dark days left no room for me let alone anyone else. I became a 24 seven drinker. When I stopped, the immense gap and emptiness felt like a minute was an hour, an hour felt like a day and a week felt like a year-long. As time has passed, I never seem to have enough time to do all the things that are possible today. From the dark and loneliness and isolation and emptiness, to a life full of possibilities and simply to be lived one day at a time…

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Another question raised, "do I now believe or am I willing to believe that there is a power greater than me?" And I can answer honestly on two levels, the first is simply there are many powers greater than me in the real world today. And higher power comes in the form of wisdom from any human source on the planet about anything and everything. And with regard to a metaphysical higher power, some call "God" is whatever anyone chooses to believe. No one needs to be challenged on their faith and belief. I for one am happy with the word God and see a connection to a collective higher consciousness we can access together or as individuals through our own conscience. I learn more just for today…

How am I feeling today? Why? What can I do? Questions I ask myself at any time of day, and in particular when I wake up in the morning. Asking myself first thing in the morning, "how am I feeling?" Knowing my mood and how I wake up influences how I start to think and act for the rest of the day. If I wake up happy, I'm likely to think happy and behave happily. If I wake up feeling fearful, I'm likely to think and act fearfully. Sometimes I wake up excited, happy and fearful in the moment and when that happens I usually ask for help from whatever source is handy. I can appeal to God, conscience and then most likely make a call, get in touch with another human being for support and encouragement to start my day…

Step two is all about opening up to asking the help from any source where there is wisdom. Support comes in the form of learning that others will take the time and be supportive if we ask. And in asking it is a request and not a demand. And the beauty of asking for help is that others will ask us for help too. We become part of something bigger than us, opening the door to fellowship: Unity, service and recovery and then the same in our community and living. These steps work if we work at living them in the moment of now and just for today…

"Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity"

DonInLondon 2005-2011

Newcomers "Joys Of Recovery" I was there! Seeing newcomers and chips, I am amazed for each sober day a newcomer lives. Reminds me I need never take the gift of "sober today" for granted. Freedom to choose sanity, make best choices and madness an arm’s length away, cherish always

When we can stop the cycle of harming ourselves and blaming, we stop harming and blaming others, peace in the moment is freedom ~ Wayne Dyer "A mind at peace, a mind cantered and not focused on harming others, is stronger than any physical force in the universe." -/- Sanity restored daily as experience develops...

AA Daily: FILLING THE VOID ~ FEBRUARY 3, We needed to ask ourselves but one short question. “Do I now believe, or am I even willing to believe, that there is a Power greater than myself?” As soon as a man can say that he does believe, or is willing to believe, we emphatically assure him that he is on his way. ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p. 47

I was always fascinated with the study of scientific principles. I was emotionally and physically distant from people while I pursued Absolute Knowledge. God and spirituality were meaningless academic exercises. I was a modern man of science, knowledge was my Higher Power. Given the right set of equations, life was merely another problem to solve. Yet my inner self was dying from my outer man’s solution to life’s problems and the solution was alcohol. In spite of my intelligence, alcohol became my Higher Power. It was through the unconditional love which emanated from A.A. people and meetings that I was able to discard alcohol as my Higher Power. The great void was filled. I was no longer lonely and apart from life. I had found a true power greater than myself, I had found God’s love. There is only one equation which really matters to me now: God is in A.A.

-/-

Just For Today, and every day cherish always...

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AA Official Online Site: Daily Reflections

http://www.aa.org/lang/en/aareflections.cfm

AA Official Online Site: Big Book And Twelve And Twelve

http://www.aa.org/lang/en/subpage.cfm?page=359

January 2013 | Step One Reading Video Link: