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Wednesday, 7 January 2015

Alcoholics Anonymous Blog January 7 2015 "Freedom”

Video January 7

Freedom for me is a state of being, freedom to learn, freedom to be open honest and willing. Who would've thought that rock bottom would be the start of understanding that there would be an opportunity to start over and make sense of life again. Freedom to learn, unfettered? Freedom required a lot of actions by me to let go the notion that I could overcome all life's difficulties on my own and asking for help was key. Learning the difference between humility and futility.

I can still remember hiding away and trying to control life. The more I hid and tried to find the solution in isolation, the more obvious it became that all I did was put off that awful day or so I thought, that I needed to stop hurting myself through addiction. Alone, it always seemed like tomorrow would be the right day to stop. And no matter what I did, alone and isolated, there seemed no prospect of an end and indeed life ending and not waking up felt like it would be preferred to whatever struggle I was experiencing. Life was very painful, hiding away, unable to function, emotionally bereft one moment and then completely overwhelmed in desolation. When I stopped denying rock bottom, and realised I needed help, everything changed horribly to the good.

Human beings are incredibly resourceful, we are all forces of nature, and yet nurture seems to offer diversions into pleasurable escapades which are truly risky. The more we take risks with our mental health and our physical health and we seem to overcome, the more risky the endeavours, the more the highs the more the lows keep us chasing ever more dangerous territory. Rewards for risk and success, very high and very attractive propositions. Until of course, calamity comes knocking on the door, and then denial of our circumstances, far from being a tool to overcome grief, becomes a tool of destruction. Denial of overwhelming events is a coping mechanism. Denial of addiction is usually a death sentence.

Freedom, freedom to learn who I am today. I don't think I have ever met anyone in recovery who has not experienced the opposite of freedom. From having fun and what seemed like mind expanding and life changing experiences to the good, the absolute truth of mind altering substances is a phony and false comprehension of reality. The best mind expanding experiences are based on living in reality, and being a part of what is going on in the moment of now. Coping or not coping, learning how life can become real as we may have imagined, or simply beyond our wildest dreams.

Freedom through self-awareness and awareness of our current conditions today will produce far better outcomes than any notion we might develop in isolation. Wisdom is born in isolation and made far more deep and broad in the light of day and through interdependence and collective and collaborative activities. Inspiration and hard work transform our world. Sharing experience, strength and hope enriches our freedoms to take up whatever endeavours interest and fascinate each and every one of us one day at a time.

What often gets in the way of our freedoms is the way we judge ourselves and other people. That famous and well-known two word sentence, "judge not," helps everyone immensely to let people develop their own freedom. And in the common and understood language of today, "judge not and jog on," is always helpful on any given day.

Step One Reading 12 & 12

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Tuesday, 6 January 2015

Alcoholics Anonymous Blog January 6 2015 "Freedom Through Powerlessness”

Video January 6

Am I still trying to pull myself together, put on a brave face and show the world the best I can be? A mixture of questions, these days I don't try and pull myself together, maybe I just try to collect my thoughts and understand my feelings. Do I need to put on a brave face and pretend to the world that I am okay, no is the answer, I can show the world who I am today, whether I am feeling good bad or indifferent. I have freedom just to be me.

Freedom through powerlessness? The freedom to make the best choices given the current conditions today. Freedom to make choices without having to have power to make that choice? Being powerless over alcohol, people, places and things, simply means I'm not trying to control anything external to me, to make me feel complete. Freedom to accept that I am a learner, that given the current conditions today, I am able to cope, and if I cannot cope, I may ask for help from anywhere at any time appropriately. I don't always get the help in ways which I might feel are useful immediately or ever, sometimes I am simply barking up the wrong tree. And sometimes what the heart wants is not available or what the heart really needs. Romance! Thank God we never get over it, love is abundant always when we cherish! Acceptance delivers understanding and freedom today and what we can and cannot do.

Freedom through powerlessness really is quite difficult to understand if we feel we have entitlements that if we put in the effort into the right endeavours we can meet our expectations and our entitlements will be met. Just because I might have wanted to be a doctor, in the dim dark past, my expectations were far beyond my mental faculties at the time. Being a late bloomer, and with a lifetime of experience, I would make a great doctor, except for the fact that by the time I qualify, I will be in my dotage. I gave up the idea of being a doctor when I was mystified studying biology at school, and much preferred studying biology in real-time before during and after raucous parties and social events back in the day.

I need not pretend to be in control of anything, indeed control anything outside myself is subject to negotiation and depends on the current conditions today. In social relationships, we are interdependent, we are able to define ourselves and our role within family and social situations. We don't have to control other people, realising a person has every right, like we do on the planet to be themselves and do what they do makes for an easier life. At work, we all are subject to the rules, systems and procedures and everything else that goes with being in an organisation working a command and control system. We need to fit in and produce the goods and services, and then we get paid for it. If you don't like what you do, the door is open to try new options under the current conditions today. In other words, the world is open to what we can and cannot do, and often we can work this out and make our choices, and when we are uncertain asking for help is a good idea. Self-reliance, it can be wonderful, self-determination is a human right, and yet in my case I gave up that right without realising, and was controlled by addictions to alcohol, romance and finance. Thinking I would be okay when I got to wherever I thought I ought to be. Unfortunately addiction drove me to rock bottom. Powerless I was and certainly not free to make good choices one day at a time.

Freedom to make choices for oneself, for those we care for and developing a happy existence does not happen overnight. And sometimes we find ourselves locked into particular ways of life, because we think we ought to have that life. And what we thought we ought to have, to fit in, to be loved and be able to love back was simply a fantasy rather than a reality. Putting the fantasy to one side and coping with reality opens many opportunities, as long as we understand the current conditions today, the possible and the impossible, and take account of our respective responsibilities and living the consequences that we have and can deliver toward on any given day. To thine own self be true, so that others may be true to you. Of course you cannot control or understand sometimes when we can be or have been deceived and misled by others, those are the current conditions which I face on any given day. Forgiveness for our past and our consequences, which need to be met and our responsibilities, means we can forgive others who continue to defy the truth and reality of now.

There seem to be big decisions going on around me. I don't know what they are or what the consequences may be. Worrying about them, even when I don't what they are, well it would make me feel very low and despondent trying to find out. So I need to let go what I don't know, and deal with what I do know. Powerless over what other people are up to, and thank goodness I am, because trying to be in control is what caused my addiction and dismay for quite a long while. I like being powerless, not trying to control behaviour in me or others. There are conventions by which we live and principles of conscience which keep me on track. And within these conventions and conscience, every day is a good day for any new beginning or continuance of a good path today.

Wisdom is born in silence and then becomes negotiation to find truth in this interdependent world.

Step One Reading 12 & 12

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Sunday, 4 January 2015

Alcoholics Anonymous Blog January 4 2015 "Powerless”

Video January 4

In the moment of now, I am powerless over the way other people are feeling and thinking. I'm also powerless over alcohol and no longer need to try and control my drinking, because I don't drink alcohol one day at a time. I don't crave a drink, but sometimes there is that elusive desire to control people, places and things. Imposing my will on any situation without consultation will make my life are manageable and the rest of the world will carry on doing what it wants to regardless of me. Unless of course I recall that I need to include myself, wherever I may be and be aware of what is going on. We are all interdependent and if we are inclusive and ask, we are more likely to get on with each other today.

Over the last few days, after Christmas and the New Year celebrations, fellowship meetings tend to be more volatile as people celebrate in fellowship without the need to drink. And yet there can be many disruptive influences in family, community and work where celebration may well include other people drinking and sharing in a nostalgic way about our part in matters and how we used to be. A good way in the past for me has been to acknowledge and admit and accept everything I used to be, and also say, "that was then and that was the way I was back then, now, it's a completely different way to live without a drink and I'm happy being this way." Powerless indeed over the memories that I have and other people have of how I used to be. I am a better version these days with the gift of sobriety and acceptance of the past for what it was.

When we hear another person's life story, when they share their experience strength and hope, we hear usually just how awful rock bottom was before we surrendered and admitted complete defeat. And the blindingly obvious news in my case was I could not get sober and keep sober on my own. I needed to ask for help. Once I understood that it was okay to ask for help on any given day, vulnerability was not a weakness, it became a strength, because I could ask anyone for help about anything and not worry or feel inferior when I declared I needed help. And today vulnerability is a strength, and when people respond positively and help, that is good. There will be unfortunate times when people see this as a weakness, we don't need those people in our lives and we can let them be as they are and as they say these days, "we can 'jog on' happily."

A wonderful fellowship meeting, where we discussed a topic, "what is emotional sobriety?" So many different ways to try and understand and try to think the solution about emotional sobriety. Unfortunately life changes, or rather it is most fortunate that life is changing all the time and if we are able to feel our emotions in the moment of now, where they fit with the current conditions today; that is most likely an answer to “what is emotional sobriety?”

Where feelings fit in the moment of now and we are coping, all feelings that are available to any human are most likely valid. Some things we can cope with and feelings fit with our situation. Sometimes we cannot cope and our feelings can be extreme. Asking for help is part of emotional sobriety and learning about how to cope with life without trying to blot it out. If I were to try and share all the things that were said most positively, it would take a lifetime, fortunately one day at a time I can absorb and learn enough to keep me on track today and very happy in this present moment of now. Good news, happy right now, the vulnerability is I cannot control whatever happens next and that is good and gives me excitement about life moment to moment.

It's been good these last few days, seeing people I know and see frequently, seeing people I know and see infrequently, and meeting new people just starting out and learning the painful path in early days. I love them all! And what a good start to the year.

Step One Reading 12 & 12

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Thursday, 1 January 2015

Alcoholics Anonymous Blog January 1 2015 "Powerless”

Video January 1 2015

Happy New Year! My New Year's resolution? Resolve to live sober just for today is my goal and will continue on a daily basis. I never knew what it would be like to have so many friends in Fellowship and in the world by being sober one day at a time.

Every month, I am lucky and fortunate to pray and meditate, take action to be free and have the choices open to me on a daily basis by utilising everything I've learned and being able to experience for more than a decade with a sober heart and a clear head. When I suggest sober heart, I now know more about my emotions and how they work without having to think about how I should be feeling, I just am a human being with feelings based on life right now and in the moment. Peaceful and content is the best description, with a great deal of forgiveness for all the mistakes I have made and will continue to make. Courtesy of the wisdom shared by fellows in fellowship, family, community and society. And this is the integration of how the twelve steps help me be an emotional and spiritual person today. I hope these words are understandable, sometimes life is so confusing I just don't know the answers in the moment of now, and the best news of all is I am able to put in the action of asking for help human to human.

January, all about step one, "we admitted we were powerless over alcohol-that our lives had become unmanageable." So each month is about step, one step a month as I go through the year. I never ignore the other steps or forget them, the principles enshrined in the steps gives me a freedom beyond my wildest dreams, and into reality where freedom and choice based on the current conditions today, it makes life more enjoyable, being included in whatever way possible and however it emerges. In other words if I don't try control life, life happens and expands far beyond what I might imagine or try to do alone.

Powerlessness is a state of being. Accepting that I am powerless over alcohol, and have no desire to control drinking at all means I have the opportunity to be free of everything associated with that addiction. By admitting complete defeat when I finally hit rock bottom years ago, meant I didn't know the answer to my problem. And it was a blinding flash and relief to know I needed help with my malady and disease of alcoholism. Life is taught me and everything we learn in Fellowship enlightens all of us to the cunning and baffling desires which can crop up in recovery and make us feel the need to change our outlook through drink, drugs, people, places and things.

I never really understood how easily I was triggered into using anything external to try fix the madness and unhappiness inside me all those years ago. Learning to drink at an early age to celebrate anything, and to grieve everything, took away my ability to cope with reality with a clear and peaceful understanding that I was simply learning life. And especially when life is difficult and heart-breaking, rather than cope with the feelings, I could use anything to try blot out the hurt and loss.

These days, with a greater understanding of my emotional and spiritual journey forever incomplete until my last breath, step one was and continues to be at the top of my gratitude list every single day. My daily reflections these days starts with a gentle reminder of step one, "I am powerless over alcohol and if I take a drink or fix myself in some other way in an addictive way, my life is most likely to become unmanageable." And then step two, all about doing the same old same old and expecting something different. And step three reminds me to let go, ask for help and don't imagine for a moment that I can solve my own problems all the time, or actually try solve your problems for you, we all work together hopefully in this necessarily inclusive world. And then all the steps start to make complete sense in time and continue to get broader and deeper in their meaning just in the moment and ongoing together.

Other things that cross my mind today, about acceptance generally, if I don't know what is right for me, I cannot possibly know what is right for you, and judging beforehand or before consultation, will lead to conflict most likely on any given day.

Expectations and entitlements, based on fear pride and ego, or blind faith without foundation, will lead to frustration and resentments.

Another thing which I heard recently when we were reading from one of the texts, the emotional orgies that can go on in our minds when we don't get our way. Being angry or resentful usually comes when we have made decisions without any possibility of achieving them or even knowing the next action to take. Sometimes, the world and our current situation is joyful and awful in the same moment because we have more than one thing going on at one time. There is always more than one thing going on in our lives and if we try nail everything down, you can guarantee someone somewhere is tearing up the nails and ripping our hearts out as we feel hurt by their actions. Coping with the situations, happens as we grow into living in the moment and coping with reality as it is right now. Challenging everyone every day.

I feel humble and often overwhelmed by everything shared by human beings on the planet. And trying to make a contribution is why I write about recovery because of all the experience, strength and hope I hear most days and the ability to listen and relate and understand people. This has helped me understand what goes on emotionally for me. It is meditation and prayer in action. Everybody meditates and has the ability to pray, to sort out what we can and cannot do today. The God of my understanding need not be the God of your understanding and I believe that Gandhi helped me resolve and accept that God is love and God is truth which comes from the many in the moment of now. Implicit in this understanding is that I am not God, that God works through people and like all life, the devil can well be in the details. Wisdom comes as we live learning the can do and cannot do today.

Step One Reading 12 & 12

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