Alcoholics Anonymous Blog & Video | April 3 2004 - 2014 | DonInLondon | Step 4 "Fear Less Inventory"
DonInLondon April 3, 2014: step four month: "fear less inventory." If you really knew me, would you love me? The fear of being found out can be a lifelong journey, where every day seems to be a lifelong experience. Time is impossibly slow when we are looking out for what other people are doing, or worse, wondering what they think about us as people. How important is image to me today? Not so important I'm glad to share, at the same time I can be hurt very easily.
Step 10 and gratitude! A friend of mine in early recovery, he suggested I try get into the habit of writing a few words at the end of the day, about what went right and what seemed to go wrong. Nothing too daunting just a few words, and then I could reflect upon the good and the bad during the day. In early recovery, everything seemed to trigger paranoia, I felt I was being watched, I felt that I might be doing something wrong, and if I did something wrong, I would be heading for hell all over again. And even considering something I could be grateful for, made me feel awkward because gratitude implied things might be going my way which did not fit with having any right to life at all.
It took a long time, to understand that step 10 is all about the good, bad and ugly of life, what happens on a daily basis, where my expectations or entitlements are misplaced, because expectations or entitlements are resentments under construction. It does not mean I do not value myself, it just means that I do not judge myself so badly, and I do not judge other people at all. If I can possibly avoid judging others is the best way forward. I can be responsible for what I do, I need not be responsible for what other people do.
Codependence is a word often used in recovery. I was certainly co-dependent on alcohol, and alcohol had power over me. I had no way to stop drinking alcohol or using something else in order to fix my feelings. And there are other forms of codependence which include co-dependent on certain people, certain places and certain things. There is a trap in attributing everything to co-dependent behaviour, certainly with our addictions we are co-dependent, then beware labelling oneself for the sake of convenience and for the gratification of others, because if somebody is calling you co-dependent, why not tell them to fuck off? And beware other people labelling your good self, and then stop labelling them too, or life will get difficult.
We cannot stop judging the world completely and it would be illogical to do so. Some things require some judgement, best find out what they are as you go along, we can judge the behaviour of other people. And sometimes find it to be good, bad or ugly, we don't have to stop loving a person, we can simply hate their behaviour. At the same time as we are judging other people's behaviour, step 10, hopefully brings the process back to oneself, judging ourselves enough and not judging the rest of the world is a much safer exercise when we are trying to get back to reality rather than a fantasy we think the world ought to be.
Every single day we can feel judged, and we want to demonstrate our worthiness to the rest of the world. As if the rest of the world is particularly interested? Well, there will be some people who may have a hook into us for some reason, either because they love us and want us to be successful, or they wish to control us and keep us under their thumb in some way, and there is the codependence. A polite rebuttal might be required in those instances.
DonInLondon 2004 - 2013
Alcoholics Anonymous | April 3 2013 | DonInLondon | Step 4 "Fear Less Inventory" Pride, ego and fear can get in the way of everything, from simple needs to complicated issues. When we have personal problems of an emotional type, even now I can still try to avoid telling people the truth of my situation when it comes to medical matters. And yet in recovery, because I've lived longer, I have been alive to get other chronic ailments which I need share not only with medical professionals, I just need to be open, honest and willing, and let people know how I am…
Pride, ego and fear: to keep well, I need the fellowship. On my own, my emotional and spiritual well-being can be good, bad or ugly as the days are. Fellowship helps me keep safe and sober, and sometimes it is an internal struggle to tell the truth. Sometimes it seems it I need a wheelbarrow to collect medications for diabetes and related complications. These prescriptions are automatically generated every two months. But whatever we do, Boots the chemist, and me, always seem to be unable to get the medications on time. And the prescriptions written by the medical practice are always late. The chemist helps me and lets me borrow the medications I need. And because the medical practice never seems able to deliver on time, something in me feels the let down and then if I'm not careful, pride, ego and fear can lead to anger and resentment, when others don't seem to be aware or take account of the dangers I can encounter when my medicine is late…
This morning, I was researching components required to repair my wet room which is out of action at least for another week. I can only deal with the workmen and repair man when it comes to face-to-face interaction. Workmen and repairmen are not responsible for the delays, they are not responsible for the policies which mean the householder and resident faces quite difficult challenges because repairs are slow. Again, pride, ego and fear could lead me into anger and resentment. Spending a bit of time on different plumbing sites, it is obvious that repairs take time, and now I see that some of the repairs suggested will not fix the problem. What to do? I'm not going to complain. I am simply going to raise a concern which applies not only to my wet room, it applies to all the drainage from my apartment… It is obviously substandard for modern usage. I can raise the issue, but I have no inclination to push any of this issue into an anger and resentment situation, because if I do I will lose my serenity, and my sanity, big time today...
Courage, faith and confidence: I can get my medications from my chemist who is very amiable and amenable to loaning me medications which I need. I don't have to go to war in order to get the repairs done to my apartment, there is no point to anger and resentment. Courage to change me and my attitudes, this leads me toward solutions and not raising problems in an unhelpful way. I am powerless over how my doctors’ practice works, they never have the same doctor signing prescriptions for people like me. And I am powerless over how the landlord deals with repairs and if I spend too much time trying to change how they do things, I will find I'm still powerless and then life is full of anger and resentment because they are bigger than me! On the one hand, medical matters are life-and-death in my case. The problem with drains in my apartment are not so bad that they will disrupt me too much by being patient and tolerant today…
Step four: in work the old life of teasing out where pride, ego and fear made me a rebellious and confrontational individual? Actually, when I think about it, pride, ego and fear was often turned inward when things weren't going too well. My answer was always to throw money at things if they went wrong, throw something away, rather than get it repaired. In my career I could be combative to the point of making a stand on ethics. My ethics were always based in open, honest, fair dealing with integrity. And though I found myself working in organisations which have the very opposite ethical base, I lead from the front and fell on my own sword and principles. Pride, ego and fear kept me locked in to bad organisations and confronting bad ethical practices. That was a dumb idea, being ethical and challenging which I was employed to do, but actually it was just a thin veneer for the benefit of anyone looking in. Very tragic being broken and breaking down because of my own ethical code. I would have been better letting go, pride, ego and fear. And leaving and moving on to a more ethical and better behaved sector of business. It never occurred to me that I was my own worst enemy with a head full of ethics and nowhere to hide… Courage, faith and confidence to let go and move on is where I am now one day at a time…
Step four: romance… I don't know where to start on this one this morning. I guess the number one resentment in this particular area of life is me! When things were working out well with a partner, I don't know that I ever felt that secure. Everything was mixed up, worked hard and play hard. And the hard I worked, the more I felt I needed to play and share, have fun and be the life and soul of the party, fall in love without even realising that I mistook lust and desire, with love and affection. Of course, all these things go together, and whatever the natural instinct ought to be, it was certainly out of balance with me. I did confuse lust and desire and extremes of activity, and never really got to grips with who I was and who my partners were, somehow, love and cherishing which was there, and truly serene and peaceful moments happened. But there was always something missing in me. And it took a long time to realise that I really didn't know how to love and be loved back and how to cherish without conditions… In the common parlance of today, a "man whore" without a clue back in the day…
So where am I now? How am I feeling this morning? Actually I am okay, managed to pay the bills so my needs almost met. Managed not to fall into anger and resentment at anyone anywhere in the world just now. Letting go, pride, fear and ego, and making room for courage, faith and confidence is always going to be a daily practice because life is a combination of good, bad and ugly events. Good news is we can experience all these events almost at the same time in any given day, and with the help of fellowship and the twelve step principles, courage, faith and confidence, looking at solutions rather than the problems, life will be okay. Of course it is still early in the day. And I can make life tolerable by doing the basics and living to the principles of the program, exercising my freedoms which I have, or I can cut up rough and be a "right stubborn old pig" routing about and causing havoc with all the skills of the old life, and my disposal today. Thank God for the serenity prayer: can do can't do and wisdom to know the difference…
Alcoholics Anonymous | April 3 2012 | DonInLondon | Step 4 "Fear Less Inventory" Alcoholics Anonymous Today's AA daily reflection: "accepting our humanness." An emotional and spiritual program where we learn about our feelings and letting go trying to control them, trying to think them the way we think they ought to be…
Video For Today:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ygNG5RF1FCo
The very first drink of alcohol did the damage and I crossed the line. That first drink opened me up to new feelings which for whatever reason had been suppressed by life experience. I was used to being fearful and simply tolerated just about. And I had no voice or understanding of how to express what was going on inside me. Before the first drink I had no outlet or opportunity to understand feelings. And then decades later all alcohol did was offer oblivion from pain and desolation…
Accepting my humanness, no need to cover up or feel guilt and shame about my feelings, not trying to second guess whether they are the correct feelings, the appropriate feelings, the feelings I think I ought to have, and the inappropriate feelings which need some thought… My gut reaction is my feelings informing me about my situation then I can apply some thinking as long as the thinking does not lead me back into old habits attitudes and behaviour.
The seven deadly sins: pride, envy, gluttony, lust, anger, greed and sloth. The seven virtues: chastity, temperance, charity, diligence, patience, kindness and humility. Sins and virtues, what lies behind our behaviour, our attitude and outlook on any given day? We feel whatever we feel about our situations, and then we need to work out what is right not only for us, but what is right in good conscience and right for everyone, from self-obsession to selflessness…
Today I feel better, that feeling of being turned inside out, some say "rattling" after a week where other clinical conditions went haywire. I need also be more vigilant when working together with medical people that they are competent to have the right experience and be able to use their computer records and adjust them correctly. Some suggest our National Health Service is in crisis, currently I agree with them…
DonInLondon 2005-2011
Very human humans: in recovery we need new experiences so we may learn how to love, be loved and useful ~ Marilyn Monroe "I have feelings too. I am still human. All I need is to be loved, for myself and for my talent" As we live our feelings, love, joy, surprise, sadness anger and fear, we feel the extremes and the balance of life as it is just for today..
We are very human humans in recovery, learning our feelings in the moment of now. Now is our spiritual connection, our current reality. As we come to understand how we are feeling, be it a mixture of fear, joy, love, sadness, surprise and or anger, we understand our extremes and our balance in life experiences. Step four highlights how our feelings impact on our past behaviour and how we may respond differently today, and now. We see our part in what is happening today...
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AA Daily Reflection: ACCEPTING OUR HUMANNESS we finally saw that the inventory should be ours, not the other man’s. So we admitted our wrongs honestly and became willing to set these matters straight. AS BILL SEES IT, p. 222
Why is it that the alcoholic is so unwilling to accept responsibility? I used to drink because of the things that other people did to me. Once I came to A.A. I was told to look at where I had been wrong. What did I have to do with all these different matters? When I simply accepted that I had a part in them, I was able to put it on paper and see it for what it was - humanness. I am not expected to be perfect! I have made errors before and I will make them again. To be honest about them allows me to accept them - and myself - and those with whom I had the differences; from there, recovery is just a short distance ahead.
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As Bill Sees It ~ Toward Honesty the perverse wish to hide a bad motive underneath a good one permeates human affairs from top to bottom. Tis subtle and elusive kind of self-righteousness can underlie the smallest act or thought. Learning daily to spot, admit, and correct these flaws is the essence of character-building and good living. The deception of others is nearly always rooted in the deception of ourselves. Somehow, being alone with God doesn't seem as embarrassing as facing up to another person. Until we actually sit down and talk aloud about what we have so long hidden, our willingness to clean house is still largely theoretical. When we are honest with another person, it confirms that we have been honest with ourselves and with God. 1. TWELVE AND TWELVE, PP. 94-95 2. GRAPEVINE, AUGUST 1961
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